Pounds, ounces and another hurdle to jump
I’m struggling to wake up this morning. For some reason we were all up last night, tossing and turning. I was in pain before bed, pretty bad headache and pain through my shoulders/neck/chest/ribs but I took some extra meds hoping to get some good rest. Wasn’t to be. It wasn’t just me though, as I said….D kept waking me and I heard Colt up every time I woke. Must have been the weather or something.
Another issue that’s bugging me….I’ve been exercising more (walking, using the stairs rather than the elevator every time I need to go somewhere – up and down four stories from my office several times a day) and I’ve been eating super carefully for the last month or so. I keep a stock of fresh salad in the fridge here at work and I don’t use dressing aside from a splash of vinegar and some salt and pepper. I drink tons of water and green tea through the day and I try to eat a small, sensible meal at home. I’ve cut out snacks aside from small bowls of frosted mini-wheats and I’m not drinking any alcohol and very limited Pepsi. I don’t eat sugary snacks, salty snacks, pasta, fast food, or anything that tastes good. Somehow, through all of this, I’ve continued gaining weight. I was floating at the 145-150 mark for a while there and was coming to accept these changes in my body but now I’m going over 150 and it’s happening despite diet and exercise. It seems so fucking unfair.
I was 120 and so happy for the longest time. 130 was okay, same as 120 just fleshed out a little. 140 I didn’t like, 150 I hated and now I’m climbing again. When I was bursting pregnant with Colt I weighted 160 at my absolute max. If I hit that now I will be devastated.
I know it’s vain. I know weight doesn’t really matter. I know it’s what is on the inside that counts. I also know that people don’t recognize me anymore and some think I’m pregnant again, which is mortifying. I want to make a t-shirt that says “I’m not pregnant so please don’t ask!” I used to be slender, pretty and confident. Now I feel middle-aged and chunky….nothing fits me. I have a bad curve to my lower spine thanks to the arthritis and it gives me an “S” shape that accentuates my belly making me look even bigger. *sigh* It’s really hard to deal with this for some stupid reason.
I went to Walmart a few weeks ago and thought I’d try to find some shorts that fit. I used to be a size 4…..I couldn’t even get the 12’s past my thighs. I bawled in the change room like an idiot….I couldn’t make myself try on the 14…I was too afraid that wouldn’t fit either.
I know this is stupid. I know I have much bigger and more important things to worry about. I know that my body doesn’t define me, only….it kind of does in my head.
D is a great guy but not a particularly physically affectionate sort. Our sex life is fantastic (sorry for the TMI if you didn’t want to know that) but aside from the actual act, he tends to stay just out of reach. At one point in our lives together he couldn’t leave me alone but now….well, it’s just different. We’ve been around each other so long and life has changed so much….I don’t think he loves or wants me any less but with this new weight gain issue it’s gnawing at my brain.
I’m going to try stopping the birth control pill. I know that can reset your body and cause weight gain so I’ll go off for a month to see what happens. I’m worried that the issues I had prior to starting it will come back. I was having horrible hot flashes all the time, terrible periods and other issues. The risk/benefit ratio is not clear to me. Would I rather be miserable and thinner or well and fatter? Sadly, I think the former is more accurate. My other worry is that I’ll go off the pill, not lose an ounce and then go back on it only to gain another ten pounds. With everything else I have to cope with….this is just one I wish I could avoid somehow.
Bah. Life. Okay, time to drag my tired, aching body through today and see if I can make it to my couch without falling asleep on my feet. (I also made a little error at work and it’s killing my confidence. It was my first time through this particular audit and one of my two bosses is going to review it with me later today. She’s not angry but is a little miffed, I can tell. Will have to wait to see if she understands, this being my first time through and all.)
Have a good one guys.