Nightmare games and life
I haven’t a clue why the dream are behaving the way they are this month. I keep getting stuck in dream loops where I complete a task, whatever it may be, it either goes well or not well, I either pay the consequence or obtain the reward and then blank out, open my eyes and find myself back at the beginning, starting again. It doesn’t really matter what the dream is about….it’s always stressful, frightening and exhausting.
On the weekend I was dreaming about a huge house in the country, past the woods I dream of so often. The house is in the centre of an enormous field of electrical and cell phone towers as far as the eye can see in all directions. There is a static hum in the air and you can often feel all the little hairs on your body stand at attention in the static field. Inside, there is a starting point where game participants gather. It looks like a dressing room with dozens of little cubicles and they are always all full. Each person is given a ‘talent’ before the game starts and each talent can either stop the others from winning or, most often, end their life. It’s not a big deal as we just start over once the game is complete so there’s no real fear of death lingering….just fear of the pain that will most likely come before it.
One gal was afflicted by a skill where she could make your skin grow together by touching you. She found me several times in several games and would lay her hand on my shoulder….my fingers would touch as my hand flew up to push her away and instantly the skin would begin to meld making my hand one solid piece of flesh. My lips would touch and my mouth would vanish, my tongue and upper pallate becoming a solid mass in my head. My legs would bind, my arms to my sides, my toes to each other and, eventually, my throat would entirely close and I’d not be able to draw a breath. The light would flicker and go out inside me, darkness would fall and I’d slip away into nothingness. Moments later I would open my eyes back in the starting area to play again, exhausted and not really willing, but unable to break away.
It’s such a constant theme…a loop I can’t break. I kind of wish I was still seeing my therapist who used to take such interest in my dreams. Would be interesting to hear her take on that one.
Aside from sleeping and dreaming, I’m doing well. The pain is mostly under control or ignorable and the job is going wonderfully. I love coming to work (haven’t even THOUGHT that in years and years) and I’m enjoying the challenge, people and role.
Colt has come around, finally having found a way to drop the snotty “pre-teen” act. He was super surly on the weekend before last and I talked to him for a while. I told him how his dad and I work very hard through the week (with no summer holidays!) just so we can spend time with him and each other on the weekends as a family. I said it was the entire reason we do what we do….so we can enjoy each other’s love and company as much as possible. I asked him if he liked spending time with us as much as we do with him and, after thinking about it for a while, he said he did. He told me and his dad he was sorry for being so ‘grumpy’ with us. We tried to let him know that being grumpy was perfectively fine…I don’t want him to think that we are trying to invalidate his feelings, we just wanted him to stop taking it out on us. He got that….I saw it click behind his baby blues, and things changed instantly. He’s been a love bug ever since….school being out is helping, of course 😉 So. Happiness there. No more swearing either, although that was always a school-related issue.
So…life is good. I’m feeling a little dead inside but I’m sure that will pass as I gain confidence in my new job. I need a hug today though…I feel a little alone in all of this. I do have friends to reach out to but I can’t find the energy, really. Will just take the happiness I have around me and live off of that for the day.
(I’m really missing my mom today. My real mom, that is. I think she was in my dreams and I woke with a sharp pain in my chest and her beautiful face in my mind.)
Take care friends. xx