Happy, Sore and Clumsy
And it’s Thursday. I’m not sure how that happened so fast, considering how freaking exhausted I am. Mind you, I’ve been asleep for a lot of it. lol…that tends to pass the time. Even though I don’t have the sedated drop-into-sleep feeling going on my body is so damn tired of being in pain when I get home I go to sleep anyway. I’ll admit it’s by choice this week, but then, I always do this when adjusting meds. I’m determined to make it through two weeks of this to see if it improves. I’ve actually dropped almost 6 pounds since being off it (that’s really not much of a big deal as I float between a five pound ratio all the time) so I’m happy to see the numbers going down. I am determined to get at least ten pounds off me. I was looking at some old photos yesterday before I zonked out when I had gone from 120 to 130. I thought it was the end of the world then and took pictures to prove it. Now, I wish I could just get back there. It’s not out of reach and I’m pretty confident I can do it. My self esteem demands it but I need to go a different way than my usual route of restriction and exercise. This time, thanks to my stomach issues, I need to keep my metabolism going somehow without gaining.
Right now I eat raw veggies for lunch and have a small serving of rice or other grain for dinner with peas and carrots. I’m avoiding meat, fat, salt, sugar (basically everything that tastes good) and that is holding me at my current weight. I can’t reduce that intake as it’s rather low in calories so I need to exercise more (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Uhhhh no. <–says my body).
Anyway. More important is my mental state and that's holding up pretty well these days. I start my new job on Monday and although I'm worried about these stupid meat hook hands I've got going on (typing is an exercise in self torture/patience) I think I'll do okay. I get two weeks training, which is unheard of around here, so I'll not have to be too active for the next while, hopefully giving my body a chance to normalize. The good news is that my new department is filled to the brim with resources about keeping your body moving through illness so I'm excited. Maybe I'll find a whole new method of coping. 😀
My dreams have all been centred around a single theme since last week. I'm stuck in some place where I cannot move freely…I'm in hiding with many other people. Last night I was trying to sneak back into my old apartment to gather some clothes and food without being seen. The doors were all open but nothing inside had been touched so I was quickly trying to stuff things into plastic shopping bags that kept ripping and my hands kept dropping every single thing I picked up. Bit 'O real life there. I am dropping everything I touch these days. lol…story:
I went downstairs yesterday to get a green tea and when they handed it to me I picked it up with both hands like a toddler. I smiled, turned, dropped it. Scalding hot water splashed an incredible distance as the people behind me jumped backwards to avoid being hit. I was burning bright red, tried to clean it up with those stupid little see-through paper napkins at the counter and no one really moved to help me for a bit, until I asked for a rag or something to help, in my skirt, on my knees, with my stupid claw hands. They brought a mop and cleaned up the mess and poured me another cup. I picked it up and immediately dropped it (this time on the counter and only from about an inch above so it landed okay and didn't spill). The woman looked at me like I was insane and then someone in line offered to carry it for me back to my office. *sigh* How lovely was that? I declined, determined to manage carrying a freaking cup of tea, took a tray and wrapped my arms around it like I was carrying a baby all the way back to my office. haha….at least I was successful! At my new job I'm only one floor away from the coffee shop so I'll hopefully have an easier time. Maybe I'll have to get a travel mug that I can carry under my arm or something. Hmmmm good idea there.
D went out last night and got me a new pair of shorts that I refuse to even think about wearing just now. Not so fond of my legs this year. He talked me into trying them on and they show off my tat so well that I kind of reconsidered, and then, avoiding eye contact, he brought out the real gift. He bought me one of those hurricane cane dealies. The ones that stand up on their own when you let go. I'm …. touched … and kinda horrified. I wasn't prepared for that emotionally so it kind of it me with a wallop of offense. I managed to express gratitude though, without coming off like a complete bitch. I'm not quite ready for that step yet, plus, the drop foot isn't bothering me so much right now.
Ahhh life just gets so interesting when your body starts to argue back.
Emotionally though I'm still doing well. No depression on the fringes of life, no anxiety. Dreams are the same without being too upsetting and the only issue is the pain. I had no idea the flexeril was helping so much. It's shitty to have a headache that never goes away, constant pain in my face, jaw, neck, shoulders, arms, hands…. I remember how much fun this wasn't the last time around. My only worry now is that it might not go back to the way it was if I restart the med. Plus, it might make me pack on another ten pounds and I am simply NOT having that. Seriously. Enough is enough.
Right. Thanks for the read guys. Happy Thursday! I hope your day is filled with love and happy surprises. I'm doing really, really well at work here, prepping to leave. I have the whole place running well and I'm even almost two months ahead, which the woman who is covering when I leave really appreciates. She was so good to me when I started, I wanted to return the favour. 🙂
xox Talk to you all soon.