My useless hands

That was the most difficult morning I have ever faced, so far in my journey with this body of mine.

On the weekend I finished weaning myself off of the muscle relaxer I was taking one dose of daily with my pain meds. (Only one dose of them too, which is awesome). I really needed to know which med was robbing me of so many hours with the constant need to sleep. After messing up family plans three weekends in a row thanks to my 20 hour sleep-a-thons, I decided to wean gently off the most suspect and see what happened. Well. A lot happened. I’m always shocked when I get to see, first hand, how much the meds are actually helping/doing. I tend to believe that when I feel okay it’s because everything that’s wrong with me has up and vanished. Ha. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

So Saturday was my first muscle relaxer free day. I was awake from 9:00 am until 1:00 am that night and slept well following. I even managed to sit down and rest, doing a puzzle on my iPad for an hour without passing out! Good news there. I’ve been awake with no trouble falling asleep since then so it’s looking pretty clear that the sedation was coming from the cyclobenzaprine. However; it was also, apparently, giving me a shit-ton of pain relief.

The pain has crept back slowly over the last three days and this morning I woke up feeling like a 90-year old lady. 😦 My right hand is sore, weak and achey and my left, with the locking thumb, is useless. My wrists, ankles, shoulders, elbows and neck are killing me….maybe the muscles tense up and pull on the joints? I don’t know… but wow. My body is just not working well.

Today’s shower was an exercise in patience/futility. I dropped everything I picked up, couldn’t squeeze the shampoo bottle or the tooth paste with either hand. I ended up sitting on the tub floor and mashing the tubes with my leg while I caught the product with my useless hand. Actually cleaning myself was difficult too as my shoulders were not happy about rotating. I couldn’t reach my back (or even my rear end) so there was a lot of soap just kind of slopped over my skin. It worked though, at least, I feel clean enough. Brushing my teeth was a logistical nightmare and I ended up flippering the brush between my hands like a seal and moving my head rather than the toothbrush to get my teeth clean. I wish I was okay with being a bit less squeaky clean. Might have been slightly easier.

Then I had to dry myself, and let me tell you, had I the time, I’d have just stood there and air dried. My hands wouldn’t hold the towel and they hurt like the dickens when I tried to grip it. I couldn’t bend anything, it seemed, and drying my legs was like trying to … I don’t know … dry something that’s a half mile out of reach? It was so painful in so many places. The weakness is the worst though. Poor D came charging into the bathroom about 10 times thinking I’d fallen in the tub. I think I might have to have baths for the next little while until my body starts working again (or I start the meds again, which ever comes first and I suspect the latter, sadly).

So…everything seems to hurt. I’ve had a headache for 6 days now though and the deletion of the med didn’t affect it one way or the other which is good news. Well, sort of good news. I’m going to stay off it for two weeks to see what happens. My hope is that the pain will level out as the med leaves my system and I’ll get a good read on the sedation effects. If I have to go back on, I’ll do so, but maybe there’s another one I can try that won’t leave me so dead to the world.

On happy notes, my tummy is feeling wonderful. Those pills I take are like miracles wrapped in a soluble casing…they should have happy faces printed on the outside, I swear. If this med was the one that caused my troubles I’d still take it forever. It’s such a wonderful thing to not have pain, heart burn, reflux and vomiting daily and I can actually eat what I want without paying for it for days. Mind you, my weight doesn’t seem to care if I eat a lot or a little. I’m gaining slightly again (much to my horror) but I’m going to let this med issue settle before I worry about that. I’ve learned my lesson there…one med at a time.

I did go to bed at 4 pm last night but only because D was in a horrible mood. We forgot about a PA day at school for Colt and his sitter had taken the day off (ages ago). D showed up at her door at 8 to drop Colt off and they weren’t there. Colt had a meltdown and D got in huge trouble at work….they made him seem like a criminal for taking an UNPAID day off! They bugged him all day and were being just ridiculous. He talked to one of the other guys who had just been off sick for a week (under medical orders) and he said they did the same to him. Every day they called him to say things like “Well, if you’re not going to be reliable, maybe you should be off all the time?” ….wow. What a great world we live in. 😦 I couldn’t go home. It’s my last week here and there’s a ton to do…. I feel bad though. Anyway. I just slept the night away and here we are. Tuesday.

Will things every get better? D is never happy in his job…always in some state of despair. It’s been that way for the last ten years…never happy. He’s either about to be fired constantly, threatened constantly, harassed constantly….he does a good job and tries hard to get along with everyone. It must be his lack of education that’s doing it right? He keeps working for companies who do not require a degree. Mind you, the one he works for now does and the guy who was just off sick has two. I don’t understand it. 😦

Colt is doing well at school, trying hard to not swear and is trying to respect his teachers and peers. He’s done a great job (and was handsomely rewarded for his efforts on the weekend with a new Hero Factory figure which he’s not put down since – sleeps with it even) but the strain is settling back in. Only 12 days to go before summer break (and we have to figure out how to arrange care for him while the sitter is away on vacation …. sigh).

I start my new job on Monday though and I’m really excited for that to happen. Something new again, challenging and interesting. I’ve been given two full weeks of training for this one so I’m really happy….the woman I’m replacing is retiring after 15 years in the role so there’s a ton to learn from her. We emailed yesterday and she sounds organized and awesome. Will be a nice new distraction from the pain. Hopefully.

I’m tired. A nice, normal day would be so nice just now.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

5 responses to “My useless hands”

  1. Hope says :

    I’m so sorry it’s such a struggle just to do basic things. You’re in my thoughts. ❤

  2. Pete says :

    Oh Sweets,

    Having a shower/cleaning teeth/getting dry is also a ‘procedure’ that leaves me puffing and panting…bloody stupid isn’t it? My god all we really are just creatures that exist!

    Hey I didn’t know you like Licorice!

    I love it when it has been frozen in the freezer for a couple of days, makes it tougher and makes it last longer 🙂

    So when are we going to the movies darling twin?

    Love Pete xoxoxoxo

  3. thinunlaced says :

    OMG i have RA and Fibromyalgia, and some days my hands just won’t work….. im so glad (sorry) but it’s nice to have someone to go thru it with….. we can even exchange numbers if you wish… that’s why i can only do Pilates, I need no-impact workouts, i cannot even use a treadmill or anything low-impact. It’s ridiculous.

    • Grainne says :

      No really??! We have more in common than I originally thought! Yes, I’d love to be in contact with you. I’ll look for an email on your site and sent you mine! 😀

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