Dreams, thoughts and pain
I had some active dreams last night! I fell asleep before D got home from work at 5:30 (he told me he was bringing food for Colt so I didn’t have to worry about it). Colt went upstairs, after a great day at school (yay!) and I picked up my iPad aaaaaand out. I didn’t even manage to check my email before I dropped off. I had wanted to chat over text with a friend after work but, well, the body had other ideas I suppose.
The passing out is getting to be problematic. I used to be able to keep myself together until I found a moment to rest and then I would go. These days I fall asleep doing whatever I’m doing. A few weeks ago when I got my iPad mini I was desperately trying to back the thing up to my iTunes account and fell asleep sitting up, hands on the keyboard. D kept coming in to see if I was okay and I eventually yelled at him to leave me alone. lol…I’m not so friendly when I pass out…always been that way for some reason. Anyway. It’s not the meds because I don’t take any after 6am and I manage to make it through work most days without falling asleep where I sit. Ha. Most days.
I had dreams all over the place while I slept. In one, D, Colt and I had moved downtown and lived in a restaurant. After it closed at night the owner would pull out a mattress and lay it on the dining room floor where we slept. I remember asking if we could at least slide it into the kitchen so people walking by wouldn’t see us sleeping but everyone looked at me like I was nuts.
“What if someone breaks in?” I asked, worried about being so exposed.
D rolled his eyes at me. “He has an alarm Grainne. No one will break in.”
After that we went with the restaurant owner to pay a friend he owed money to. I’m not sure why we went but we were needed somehow. We went into the place behind the owner and walked down narrow hallways to reach the friend’s apartment. Once there, D, Colt and I turned to head back but D was acting strange.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He surprised me by suddenly sloshing gasoline across the hallway and carried on out to the front porch where he lit a match and tossed it at the house. We ran then, to our car, as a huge fireball exploded in the front of the house. The guy inside was understandably furious and came charging out of the door, through the flames, and began to chase us. I could see a frightening shape in his hand.
“OH god D! He’s got a gun!” I yelled, telling Colt to lie down in the back seat so he’d not get shot.
We got away just in time, bullets flying by the car as we sped off.
The next dream was a birthday party for Colt. We held it in someone’s basement because they had tons of space. I invited dozens of kids and had cake and balloons…exactly like the birthday parties I dreamed of throwing him while he was still in the womb, before I knew how much things like that would bother him. I had wrapped a ton of gifts and took them over to the house mid-party and called the kids to sit and watch Colt open them. As the moments went by I realized that none of the kids had brought him a gift…the only things he opened were from his dad and I. It broke my heart, knowing they didn’t care enough to make his day special. I looked at them all around the room, stuffing cake into their faces and completely ignoring Colt. I woke from that one with tears soaking my pillow.
Then I dreamed of the new shopping mall where I have a job at that store where everyone seems to like me so much. I was wandering around waiting for my shift to end and realized I’d not helped a single customer the entire time. My boss was glaring at me from the register where he was trying to get through a long line and I pulled myself away from trying on the sterling silver rings to help him.
“You know you can’t just take those right? You have to pay for them?” He mentioned.
Weirdly, I was sort of planning to do just that, steal them at the end of my shift. I told him I was just waiting for the line to clear so he could ring them through for me.
The dreams went on like that for the 12 hours I slept. I woke up exhausted with so many thoughts and feelings racing through me. I was feeling everything at once. Gotta say, I was quite glad to hear my alarm, as odd as that may sound.
On my way out of work yesterday I ran into two of my old coworkers from the last department. Two I worked closely with. They both smiled huge fake smiles and said hello….asked me how I was. Because I couldn’t get away I just pretended to be really late and told them I’d have to catch them later.
“Well it was nice to see you!” they sang out and I fled. How pathetic is that? I just don’t know how to deal with people. I wish I could just move to another country and start over again. Maybe that would be good for all of us…who knows. If Colt manages to get himself kicked out of public school, we may do just that.
Ah well. On with life right? My hand is getting worse by the day and today it’s still frozen straight in both joints and is killing me it’s so painful. Because it’s a new pain I’ve not had a chance to grow familiar with yet it really bothers me. I hope it stays constant this time so I can train myself to ignore it. That said, I can’t even open a can of soda anymore. The scary part is that I can feel it slowly starting up in the rest of my fingers as well. I suspect that in a year or so my hands will not be working so well. Not sure how to deal with that one yet….I have time though. Will accommodate, eventually.
My back hurts too. I don’t know what has set it all off. The weather has been nice, not too rainy or humid or damp. There’s been no cold snaps and the inside of my house has been staying at a comfortable temperature. I’ve been sleeping in bed more often than not so it’s not being cramped up on the couch that’s doing it. The stress? Well, that never really settles in my life for some annoying reason so I doubt its that either. So, in the end, it’s like everything else in my life. No one knows why it’s happening, what is happening or how to stop/help it from happening again. How very depressing.
I’m ready to try again with the medical world, I think. I’m starting a new list of all the current odd symptoms I’m having to see if some kind of pattern appears. I have obvious pain like the pain in my neck. The vertebrae are touching each other, I have so little disc left between. Nerves are all mess up in there so the nerve and bone pain … well, make sense. Other stuff though like, say, the infections I keep getting in my nasal passages (huge bloody scabs form and if I blow them out they get bigger and more painful in size). The weird pain I feel when I bend at the waist if I don’t bend my knees….If I’m favouring my knees and try to, say, pick something up by bending at the waist my heels feel like the skin is tearing from the strain. It’s so very close to the feeling of tearing while giving birth (sorry for the graphic info there) and I can’t stand it for longer than a moment. It goes away when I stand up again. Wtf is up with that?
Those things, I don’t bring up at doc’s appointments because it feels like useless information that only muddies the waters. When I went to see the ortho surgeon I should have told him about my head-splitting headaches and then he might have looked at my neck. As it was, he decided only to try to treat the numbness in my arms and hands which was never really that bothersome. It’s a careful game you have to play with the medical world.
Okay. Enough complains for one day. Off I go to staff the world. *sigh*
Have a good one guys. xx