Trying to Blend
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. So M writes my work address today with a long, detailed explanation of everything I always knew. He says he never loved me. Says my expectations were unreasonable. Also noted in his previous psychotic ramblings that Colt isn’t autistic…fetal alcohol is his “expert” diagnosis. What an asshole….he’s just out to hurt me and for some reason he can’t be bothered stopping. If he hates me so much, why won’t he just leave me alone? 😦
So Colt. The child is testing me this time around. He’s been suspended again and has not curbed the behaviours that are getting him into trouble at all. I’ve been in constant mediation between the principal, the teacher, the learning support teacher and the school board. Hilariously, an article came out in the paper yesterday about three mothers who are taking to the media to help their kids. All three are autistic and all three are in the process of being expelled due to behavioural issues. They have made some headway with the board so I’m trying to contact them this morning to see if I can add Colt’s issues to their list and start backing them up! This may be the break we needed…I’m kind of excited about it all. Hopefully Colt will try to behave for the rest of the week….summer is just SO close. I know he can do it. I do know how lucky we are that the only issues he’s having are refusal to work and swearing….it could have been a lot worse.
I’m detaching from everyone from my past these days. M is history and has hurt me one too many times to be bothered with anymore. J….a gal I really loved and cared for is also now gone from my life. I guess I should know better than to make friends when I know I won’t be able to email them daily. I started out supporting this girl and we grew very close….I tried to be there for her, to help her. M came crashing along and I lost my footing a few weeks back and kind of pulled inside a little. The card and asshole gesture gift certificate from my ex coworkers really slapped me hard. I was so tired and in dealing with Colt, the emotional unrest and M’s battering I just couldn’t stay awake after work hours. Once a day or two went by I started to feel guilty and avoided email for a week. I went to catch up with her to find she’d blocked me everywhere. I asked why and she said she was furious because I ignored her email and wasn’t there for her. Live and learn I guess. She was actually a decent support to me as well so she’s one I’ll actually miss in life.
I think, what I want out of life, is to have a few close friends who love me for who I am. Love always comes with conditions I am forever failing to meet. M was the biggest offender of all in that category. He wrote “Good luck propping up your self esteem” or something just as insulting. My father used to say the same. The similarities there are terrifying at times. At least J just blocked me and stopped talking to me….
So, as much as I hate to add to the ever growing list of people who dislike me intensely, I guess I’ve done it again. At least I didn’t use sexuality to make friends with J…I just genuinely wanted to help and be there for her. I didn’t realize that there were time limits on how long I could go without supporting her but, I see her point I suppose. As for the guys who feel ripped off because they didn’t get what they wanted out of me? I give up. I’m pushing 40, I don’t have time in my life for bs anymore and when I actually manage to spend time doing something I want to do, rather than sleeping off the pain, I most certainly don’t want to spend it with people who make me feel terrible. Seems so simple, doesn’t it? Why is it so damn hard then?
Days like these remind me of how messed up I really am. I have never formed proper bonds up until I met some of you awesome blog land friends. Pete is another online support who has never let me down. His love is genuine and isn’t hinged on anything. He cares for my whole family, D included, and wants the best for me. For ME. MH was someone who was just like Pete but I lost him. I deserved to lose him. He was nothing but good to me but I couldn’t take the pressure of the connection. The closeness.
I guess what people don’t realize about me is that the connections I make are genuine, passionate and very real. The trouble is, however, the strength of that connection doesn’t always hold up when tested. Do I feel guilty about it? Oh hell yes. I feel guilty about not talking to my mother, my father (when he was alive), my sister and brother (all foster). I feel like I played the role of ‘daughter’ until they booted me out because I failed in my role. Sometimes I feel inhuman. Monster me.
I am accused of doing it on purpose all the time but I’m not. I’m really not. I can remember hundreds of people whom I’ve cared for who mean absolutely nothing to me now. Well….maybe they do…maybe they’re in my head at night in my dreams haunting me. I can’t feel the longings though, to see them again. There was a family who lived next door to us while I was growing up. I knew them as well as I’ve known anyone and we cared for one and other. That I haven’t spoken to them in years feels like….nothing…inside me. I knew them, now I don’t. I was friendly with my coworkers, now I’m not. I had friends I cared for…now they’re gone. It all seems a sad cycle to be stuck in. D is around mostly because of Colt. Had we not had that bond keeping us together, he’d be out of my life too and would have likely taken the boy with him when he went.
Some people think they’re alone in the world. I am not one of those, but I don’t feel the way others like me do. I don’t miss anyone except for Colt and D at times. This is why M was so darn special to me. I missed him terribly….first time in my life that emotional state was attached to another human being in that way. He dismissed it, denied it and blew it all off. Stupid waste of energy and emotion. I can’t even figure out why I held on for so long. The nastier he gets, the farther away that feeling drifts. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way again.
I am a self doubting, chaotically emotional, outwardly reserved person who only animates when helping someone else through something. I remember so clearly that questioning look in my parents eyes as they asked the difficult questions.
“Grainne, are you sure you don’t have any feeling about being adopted? About losing your parents?”
“Errr. Nope. Not really. I feel lucky to have you guys as my family.” I always replied.
They took me to psychologists who probed into how I felt and I would say the same. Unfortunately, the abuse started around then and my mother was afraid I’d say something about my father so she took me out of therapy. I was fine though. I was free from the things that hurt me, blank mostly, but not unhappy, never depressed and never sad. I just went through life, day by day, connecting with people who would soon mean nothing to me at all.
Am I a monster? Maybe. When I love you, though, I love you all the way through, crazy, mean, heartbroken, dismissive….it doesn’t matter to me. I’ll love you until you hate me. That’s the best I can seem to do.
I’ve asked myself so many times why people don’t like who I am. I think it’s partially that black hole they see in me…the void inside that eats all the things I’m supposed to feel. I guess that’s why internet friends who understand the need to fade out now and then are so wonderful in my life. You guys don’t stop loving me when I feel overwhelmed by life. So….thank you, for that. I appreciate it so much you guys have no idea. Sometimes, it’s what holds me together.
Anyway. Work. This three weeks is taking forever! I want to start my new job, my new adventure and move on from now. xx