Arthritis, curse words and love

I got to work this morning and three of the sweet nurses I’ve got working on this floor came flying at me with open arms. 
“We just heard you’re leaving!  We’re SO sad…you’re the best staffing clerk we’ve ever had here!”
Aaaaand that made my day.  What a nice way to be though of!  Makes up for the bitchy ones when the nice ones are working.  Lovely eh?
Yesterday was a bit rough at home.  Colt, for reasons only he understands, let off a volley of curse words at last recess and got in trouble again.  This time it was at the kids who are mentoring him because they were playing a game that he didn’t want to play.  He actually orchestrated it, explained what he wanted them all to do, they catered to him but his explanation was flawed and he was instantly pissed off when it didn’t immediately go to plan.  I was told that prior to that moment they were all laughing and having fun, my boy included.  I can’t decide if he thinks the world revolves around him or if he truly cannot control his temper.  Both would explain it and are viable, considering his dad’s temper and how hard it’s been for him to learn to control.  Anyway, the principal was outside watching over him and heard the entire deal.  She made him write letters of apology and told me that next time he would be suspended again.  D and I are going to sit down and hash this out this weekend.  If he gets suspended all the time the only result will be getting kicked out of public school  *sigh* 
So we didn’t get upset this time.  I picked him up after school and was silent in the car.  He was testing the water, asking me how my day was, probing to see if I was angry.  I just couldn’t be bothered…just deflated and didn’t say much.  This concerned him.  When we got home he asked for a hug which I gave, of course, he told me he loved me and I replied in kind, of course again.  I told him he’d lost his ipad/pod for four days this time and just went to sit down for a while.  He hovered around, waiting for me to react.  Finally, I just let go of the tension and the tears started falling….this panicked Colt immediately. 
“OH don’t cry mom!!”  hopping from foot to foot his worried blue eyes searched my face.  “Take five deep breaths and try not to cry.  I know you’re sad.  I know you’re disappointed in me.  I don’t want to make you sad…it’s breaking my hearrrrrrrrt” The last word elongated into a wail, complete with is own tears. 
He hugged me so tight and we sat there together, crying and rocking back and forth.  I decided to go with it, since it was affecting him so much. 
“Please baby…please, you have to stop swearing at school.  You cannot break that rule without consequences and you’re going to lose all your friends.  I can’t stand to think of you all alone and sad at school and it breaks my heart to think of no one wanting to play with you…”  he started to sob.  “I love you so much.  Please, don’t be that kid…that mean kid who curses and doesn’t play nicely with other kids.  You’re such a sweet, kind boy.  Just be who you are and try very hard to follow the rules?  Please?  For me?”
I was bawling through my speech, something Colt has not seen often in his life.  I try hard to keep on an even keel for him emotionally to provide as much stability as I can.  This time though, I just told him how I felt and let it all out (catering to his level of understanding, of course).  He seemed to connect and listen.  For the rest of the night, after we’d dried our tears and hugged for a wonderfully long time, he kept coming to me to tell him it broke his heart to see me cry.  He promised to try very very hard to stop swearing at school and then patiently and with focus, sat down and wrote his apology letters as requested by the principal.  He did a good job on them too…worked carefully and concentrated hard. 
I doubt it will stick, really, but at least he listened.  I hate to motivate him with guilt but I need to do whatever I can to help him understand.  Poor soul.  I love him so much. 
I woke up today in pain, not sure why.  My back from the middle up is killing me, my neck is on fire.  I think I slept weird on it last night and caused myself a flare up/pinch/headache deal.  It’s not yet 730 in the morning and the pounding is about doing me in.  Lucky it’s Friday today.  My hand is getting worse by the day as well….I need to get that x-ray….seems odd that I can’t squeeze it in considering it’s just a few floors down from here.  Not that a confirmation of arthritis (again) will make any difference…I guess it’s just to rule out any other complications.  Today is a full on arthritic day for me though…can feel it burning everywhere inside me.  Hopefully I can ignore it for a while yet.  (Mind over matter?  Nope.  Flat out dissociation created my by brain and geared at my physical pain rather than emotional.  Did I ever write about giving birth?  I completely dissociated, had zero pain medication and delivered naturally without even being in the room.  It was pretty cool, all told). 
I’m almost done with sorting out that yahoo addy that I’m deleting.  If I’ve not given you my new address, send me an email to the old one and I’ll reply and cc my new one for you.  🙂  I love you guys…would never want to lose touch.  xox
Oookay – payroll day today.  I’d better get a move on before it closes and I leave some poor nurse without a paycheque. 


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Arthritis, curse words and love”

  1. KittyHere says :

    I think both you and the school are doing all you can for Colt. Do you switch jobs on Monday?

  2. paindepression says :

    Your a wonderful mother…. You got this! Hang in there and try to keep your thoughts on positive ones as much as possible. Smile at yourself when you are by a mirror, it really does life your mood. Xxxoooxxxooo…

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