His Father’s Child :(

What to do.  I have been feeling down all day because I’m leaving.  Well that and I got a talking to from one of the nurses.  I apparently called a few of the part timers in the wrong order resulting in a huge issue.  How stupid …  I mean, union rules and everything but it was an honest mistake. I still have shifts for them if they want them.  Anyway.  It just sat with me badly….it’s the mood I’m in today, I think. 
 
I also pissed my boss off by telling her I was going to take the other job.  She’s being understanding but she’s annoyed….put out.  I feel bad for doing this to her but it wasn’t as if I set the whole thing up in advance.  I intended to stay here so…what can I do. 
 
So I decided to do some filing and I went to the charting room for some peace and quiet when my cell rang.  It was Colt’s school calling.  I almost didn’t want to answer it.  I let them leave a message and then went back to my office to talk to them….the message they left was pretty cryptic.  Apparently, Colt really let loose this afternoon at recess.  He was out playing with his friends when the game changed into something Colt didn’t want to play.  He got way over excited and started swearing at the kids.  When they turned away he carried on, screaming swear words at the rest of the students and then, when the teacher came up to stop him, he spun on his heels and turned the air blue, screaming profanities at the teacher.  It was so bad people started coming out of their houses to see what the ruckus was.  😦 
 
They’ve decided to suspend him for one day for inappropriate language.  I tried to talk her out of it, told her I’d keep Colt home and we could tell him he was suspended but no dice.  She has to do her job too, I realize.  The male teacher he took on was pissed, the parents and neighbours were somewhat horrified….he’s been at this for weeks now.  Something had to change I suppose.  I talked her out of suspending him tomorrow for Friday.  That way he can be at the sitters on Friday and we can carry out some kind of grounding as punishment on the weekend.  We’re starting to lose control of him and it’s breaking my heart into teeny tiny pieces.  He was on such a good path…he was so sweet and kind.  He’s a doll at the sitters and we only get minimal back talk at home and that’s only over things like doing chores and going to sleep at night, normal boy things.  He’s only 9.  He’s not expected to be perfect.  D keeps saying that we’ve been too “nice” about everything…the swearing and the trouble at school.  I told him we can’t be angry, aggressive or loud…he’ll just imitate us and nothing will change. 
 
Calm reasoning doesn’t work on him.  The principal was trying to explain it to him while we were on the phone and he kept giving her non-committal grunts and snotty responses.  I told him to go back to class and be GOOD for the rest of the day.  He said “Uhhh well mom, I’m not sure I’ll do that….”  I used my best stern voice and he just sort of sighed at me. 
 
D wants to make him hate the punishment enough that it sticks.  I think we’ll have him do chores all weekend with no toys, iPod or iPad.  That will get him where it hurts, but, he forgets so soon after and the behaviour just keeps coming back.  He’s an amazing kid…so strong and adaptable.  He’s loving and gentle…he wants to make the people around him proud and happy…or he used to anyway.  This sudden change is really scaring me.  Really scaring me.  When he doesn’t care about getting into trouble or disappointing us, what do we have to stop him with?  Nothing.  All we can do is make his life miserable until he starts to understand and I don’t think I can do that.  He’s got so much on his plate…I want home to be a place he can find love, always.  I did not have that.  D did not have that.  We both want, so badly, for Colt to have that, at least.  We got ripped off, he got ripped off but we are in control of how we treat and love him….I didn’t think we’d have to fight so hard to keep him feeling okay. 
 
I feel like I’ve failed him already.  Well, already…again really.  I couldn’t help him as a baby…he was miserable and screaming all the time.  I wanted so much to make him smile, just once, but our entire year together on mat leave was miserable.  Every damn day of it.  But then he started to grow up a little and things changed….sooner than we expected, we found ourselves able to communicate with him on a level we never thought possible.  Everything finally clicked this year and he was growing and changing….learning and understanding.  And that was that then?  Now it’s just this?  This sullen, miserable boy who won’t play with anyone, swears like a sailor when he gets the slightest bit frustrated, and threatens to use violence to get what he wants.  I think I’m going to throw up…just thinking it is making my stomach heave and my eyes blur.  I so wish I had a private office right about now…it’s been a while since I had a sob at work. 
 
This is just terrible, all of this.  D is flipping out and Colt is flipping out and I’m just fucking trying to not give into the pain I’m carrying around so I can keep my job and provide for these two.  I’m not much better than I was before, although the summer is always kinder to me than winter, but I’m in a state of having to suck it up and deal with it.  Thankfully the pain has been easier to control with all this moving and learning. 
 
Bah.  I’ll just do some payroll to spend the rest of my day, keep the emotions back until I get to my car then I’ll cry all the way home, pick up the kid and figure out what to do from there.  I want to just go to bed when I get home.  Not fair to leave it all to D but I don’t think I can take much more today.  If he flies off the handle I might just drop where I stand and sleep. 
 
I have tomorrow off.  I’m going to see my friend Tiffany and she’s going to give me a little more ink.  I’m looking forward to the pain, the intensity and the soothing way she makes me feel human again.  I always want to put it on for her…make her think that the life she saved all those years ago was worth it.  😦 

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “His Father’s Child :(”

  1. Hope says :

    I’m sorry everything is so hard. I wish there were something I could say or do to make it better. Just know that I care greatly about you and your family.

  2. Mental Mama says :

    Sorry your day is rough. I can’t imagine what you’re trying to deal with right now. I do hope you’re able to share a picture of your new ink. I know what you mean about how the pain of a new tattoo can help. I really wish I could afford to spring for one right now.

    • Grainne says :

      My tattoo artist is the woman who saved my life…the one who picked me off the streets and gave me the hand up I needed to get back in control of my life. We visit once or twice a year or so and every time we do, she gives me some new ink. 🙂 She charges me nearly nothing…I’m so lucky, I know. Took D with me and he got a piece done too so it was a really great day. D and I had a long chance to talk about Colt and how we’re going to go forward with things and then I got to visit with my favourite person in the world (aside from my little love, C, of course). I wish I could have taken Colt but it doesn’t seem the right place for him, even though the shop she works in is lovely, welcoming and very clean, it’s not the place for a kid. One day, I’m sure, I’ll be taking him to see Tiff to get his own work done….that is if he grows out of his “tender” ways. He does not like pain one bit, my boy. lol

  3. Pete says :

    Darling you haven’t failed him, from what I know you’ve been nothing but a caring, loving mother trying to do the best for her son 🙂
    I love you sweet twin, you’re a gorgeous person and a great Mum,

    Pete xo

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