Struggles, Answers and Life
Been thinking a lot these last few days. Thinking about me, how I fit into this world, how others I’ve grown to care for fit into my life. I’m happy and surprised to find that I seem to have formed some genuine friendships over the last year especially and even though they are all online friendships, they are more important and more real to me than most people are.
I don’t want to leave wordpress or change my blog name. The reason I started it all was to keep my thoughts and emotions in order as I worked through a tough time in life. The outcome was that I ended up being more honest with myself than I’ve ever managed and found that people still gave a shit about me, no matter what I said.
I am embarrassed of the way I form and maintain relationships. I always feel like I’m duping people…like I’m acting like I care when I really don’t, but that’s not quite accurate….I do care deeply, it’s just somehow different from the way other people seem to function. Mind you, in the mental health community I’ve found many people who seem to understand this part of me and find it echoes in their own lives as well. I’m not sure that makes me feel better, but I do feel less alone and alien here surrounded by all these humans.
I have always used my gentle nature to get by. People seem drawn to it and when I feel empathy for them, wow, I can create a best friend in a matter of minutes, it seems. The trouble with this one way street is its very nature though…I used to feel like no one ever asked or worried about me, it was always me taking care of everyone else. That’s another myth I fooled myself with though. People did care, some cared a great deal, but I couldn’t maintain the intensity forever, especially when my own muddled mind or broken body was taking up my energy. It was always then (or the moment they declared me their soul mate) that things blew up on me. The guilt was oppressive (just another way to torture myself I suppose) and the loss of that person hurt because I was supposed to be the one who would always understand. Some people took great advantage of that part of me…M to be specific. He would play off my own bad habits, reinforce the things I feared the most like being too needy or sticking around when I was not wanted, to get what HE wanted from me. In truth, I barely noticed and I’m not even sure it matters. I was a game he played while trying to turn his life around…in theory anyway. He never quite took those steps to start changing his world. I wanted, so badly, to walk him through that time but things never jived. He would accuse me of holding him back and I would leap away from him, terrified it might be true… Anyway, that’s neither here nor there (I use way too many colloquialisms don’t I?)…just a thought bouncing around my head.
Colt is struggling at school again. I get a daily misery text from D and a near daily phone call from the school telling me how cranky, tired, and argumentative my son is being. He’s swearing at kids who ask him to play, he’s ignoring his teacher and mouthing off to her (“FINE. Suspend me then! I don’t care…call my mom and send me home!!”) and no one seems able to pull him out of it. It makes me so tired…this. I just keep thinking that he only has six weeks left and then we can pretend it’s not a problem for a few sweet summer months. He’s getting so big, Colt is… almost as tall as me, big personality coming out, lots of testing and defiance but in the end he does as he’s asked. He’s a good boy and considering the extra distance he has to travel to get to the same place as his peers, I’m super proud of him, no matter how he behaves.
I’m still quite sad that I have to leave this place where I’m working. I’ve discovered that my floor has the worst rep in the entire hospital for bossy, bullying nurses and timekeeping nightmares. I thought it was pretty funny because I’ve not made a single enemy so far. I think working with the god-complex doc/administrators in the exec offices gave me some good ground to work with…these folks are a dream comparatively. All you have to do to succeed with this type of group is be accurate, professional, follow the union rules to the letter and own your mistakes. As long as I’m not blaming them outright for the small errors here and there, they seem so happy. Plus, I am really good at this sort of stuff…making people happy; smoothing issues over. It’s a niche I fit into so well. *Sigh* I wish I could keep it. That said, I’m trying to keep an open mind about the next one. I meet the managers tomorrow and will get a run down of the position. I really do like both women from the outside (we’ve worked on projects and committees together in the past) so maybe it will be a nice place to transfer to. Hoping. Okay…I’ll stop repeating myself now.
So yeah. The fear of getting found out or caught everywhere…it’s clicked into place in my head. I can’t connect with people the way I think I should, so, it leaves me struggling to find some sort of balance with the folks around me. I have never had a best friend, in fact, girlfriends are few and far between, aside from my awesome friends here. Why is it that I can connect with people here but not in real life? Strange eh? I’m just as honest in real life….not so self exposing and I don’t run around telling everyone about my dreams but people seem able to relate to me here. I hope my mental heath issues are not the only part of me that is connective …lol…shit. That would be just like my life, wouldn’t it? haha!
On the weekend I went for a walk in my favourite forest. The trees there are so tall you can barely see the tips and they are skinny from top to bottom. When the wind blows, even gently, they all start to creak and moan as they sway. The entire place is in a geographical depression so the sound is instantly muted when you enter the place so all you can hear is the creaking of the trees, the whoosh of wind as it cuts through and the odd bird call. It’s magical, this place. I got a really good video of a very peaceful moment. I’ll try to upload it for you guys…it’s worth the 30 seconds, trust me. 🙂
On we go with the day. Payroll to enter, oh joy. lol! xx