The theme of my weekend dreams was guilt. I’m not sure if the threats received from that guy are triggering me into nightmares or if it’s just general, overall kind of guilt I’m feeling. One friend said my war dreams were all about the fear I felt from my foster father. I’m not sure that’s the case as it’s been SO long and I’ve done so much therapy around it. I think I just live in a natural guilty state somehow…always ducking and running for cover. I really can’t explain why…who knows, maybe he was right in his analysis. Mind you, he always says something of that nature. After I thanked him he accused me of being a bitch and picking a fight…*shakes head* I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.
I posted that note, saying I was changing blogs, but maybe I’m thinking twice about it. I don’t really want to run and hide from people. If they want to come after me, I have D, the police and friends on my side. No one could get to me at work (the security policies are very tight when it comes to things of this nature – my father in law was denied access to my building before I even knew he was there) and my landlord is a farmer. He has dogs to protect the property and owns guns. I’m never alone there and always protected. I don’t know how to feel about it all….must think some more..maybe I’ll pull that post. Why won’t people just leave me alone rather than … *sigh* I know. It just doesn’t work that way.
So. New plan. Stop being nice to people online. (Well, aside from here…I know you guys are genuine). I’ve not gone back to that writing site since I left my old job. I think I might just delete the entire profile…why would I keep it if I never want to go back? It’s there I keep finding all these people who make me feel so terrible about life. M included, actually. So stupid. I mean, things in life aren’t perfect but it would be much easier without this group of disillusioned, miserable people following along behind me.
I had a dream last night (this morning actually) where I had done something really bad…I dreamed (please note – it was a dream!) I killed someone. I don’t know if it was intentional or accidental but the guilt I carried…the panic, was so intense.
I dreamed I was a counselor at a camp of some kind…cabins way out in the woods with several guests in each. I was supposed to teach them about the wilderness and take them hunting for the huge feast we would have at the end of their stay. Each group was lead by one person like myself and we all converged at the end of the trip to discuss how things went and share learnings.
My first group went through fine. I was driving a huge silver pick up and took them several places to tune into nature and try to find something to hunt that could be eaten by the larger group. My first group kept wanting to hunt turkeys but I was not really into it…I watched a turkey scavenge some rotting animal from the side of the river earlier in the dream and it had turned my stomach. I didn’t want to eat anything that ate death.
After my first run through I was feeling more confident so I signed up for another group immediately. They were awkward though, this group, and there was a guy who would not keep his hands or eyes off me. He gave me the creeps immediately. While sitting shotgun in my truck on the way to a hunting site, he casually laid his dirty hand on my thigh, squeezing slightly, moving up so slowly I could barely feel it.
“Hey! Back off…” I warned him.
He didn’t listen, reached right up and grabbed my crotch painfully hard and then let go, scoffing a sigh as he did. I felt like I was going to be sick.
“Don’t do that again or I’ll have you removed from the cabin.” I said, deadpan in voice. I didn’t know how to feel about this.
He nodded absently while looking out the window and I hit the accelerator again, trying to get to our site faster. When we arrived I jumped out and waited for him to follow, but he didn’t…stayed in his seat, seatbelt still strapped over his chest. He hadn’t even reached for his gun. I busied myself with my maps, making sure I knew exactly where we had stopped and got a bottle of water from the back for our hike. Still, though, he hadn’t moved an inch. I didn’t want to open his door and be that close to the guy so I went around to my side and opened the driver’s door.
“Hey there sunshine…are you going to get out of the truck? There aren’t too many animals to hunt inside the cab….” I paused here, noticing something funny about his shirt. There seemed to be a stain on it that was quickly growing.
I got into the truck and leaned over him. His eyes were open but totally unfocused and his skin was a pale shade of white that made his skin almost translucent. The stain was very dark and my brain would not let me go to ‘blood’…I figured it was soya sauce or gravy from last night’s dinner. I couldn’t fool myself for long though because I began to smell that sulphery, pungent smell…human blood. I knew it far to well.
“Hey!! Hey wake up!” I said loudly, shaking the guy almost violently. His head lolled but nothing on him moved voluntarily.
Oh my god..I started to panic, thinking so quickly I couldn’t keep up with my own thoughts. I had to figure out what to do! I checked for a pulse and found none, I poked him in the eye to see if he blinked but the only thing that happened was a gooey, sick sliding of his eyeball deeper into the socket.
“Shit shit shit shit shit….” My brain was blank and spinning so fast…I don’t even think i was breathing.
I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what to do. I got back in the truck and began to drive, not sure where to go, but I couldn’t leave his body in the woods…they were monitored and many people would pass the spot I recently had been sitting. There weren’t enough meat eating animals to be sure his body would be eaten and the bodies of water were shallow and had no larger prey animals. I thought of burning him but didn’t know where I’d be able to set a fire big or hot enough, plus, I knew the bones wouldn’t burn all the way. When we passed by a row of outhouses though, I came up with an idea. They were natural composting outhouses that did not ever require draining…plus, the smell was so bad it would likely cover up the decaying body if I dropped him down there.
It was hard, pulling a fully grown man from the truck and dragging his body to the porta potty but I managed without being seen. We were still out in the middle of nowhere, really. I got his body through the hole head first and he hit with a sickening splash into the waste below. It made me gag, the thought. I peered down into the hole and was pleased to see that his body had been nearly completely covered. After the feast this weekend I knew the bulk below would increase enough to make his body vanish and I’d be able to breathe again.
I took all of his hunting gear and drove back to the cabin, sneaking it inside while everyone else was in the back grilling something over a fire. I put the gear back in his room, under the bed, and piled the rest of the stuff (his jacket, sweater etc) into a ball and ran to the next cabin to dump it all into their garbage. I figured if I could just keep this quiet until the following weekend, there’d be no way to trace it back to me, it didn’t quell my nerves though…not one bit.
I went back to the cabin and had a shower, ran down to the main building to do some laundry. I wanted to have all my stuff clean and ready to go in case I had to make a break for it. I figured I could live on the run if I had to…but still, maybe I’d be able to get away with it all. The fear and the hope danced between my thoughts and guilty feelings. Overall, I felt so bad for hurting the guy I could barely breathe. Someone would surely notice he was gone, if not today, some time later when he was supposed to be back home. I didn’t know what to do other than pretend nothing had ever happened.
Having nothing left to do I decided to drive to the main hall and hang out there, making my presence known so I might have some sort of alibi if things got tense. I hopped into the truck and drove directly there, parking right out front. When I got out of the vehicle, my father was there as some sort of authority figure…my boss, maybe. He started asking questions immediately and I worked feverishly to avoid the truth while still answering him.
“What do ye mean, ye don’ae know where yer charge is?! You’re supposed to be with him at all times!?” he yelled. “Go back and pick him up. Bring him ‘ere.”
Fuck. Now I was stuck. My dad knew the guy existed and now he would know he had vanished without paying off his tab. I was sure my father would never let that drop. I had no idea what to do. I got back into the truck and, noticing I had bare feet, hesitated.
“Get going!” my father yelled from the door of the hall. I backed up, shoeless, and drove off again pretending to go pick my charge up to bring him back for lunch.
As I drove to the cabin I came up with my story. I was going to say that he wasn’t in his cabin when I’d arrived in the morning. I could say I’d checked for his weapons which would explain the fingerprints I’d left all over them, and say he’d left with his wallet, jacket and nothing else. Maybe he’d gotten lost on a hike? They’d start a search for him if I said that but I was pretty sure they wouldn’t check the toilets in the middle of the hunting trails. The only thing that might give me away was if they did look and saw a bit of shirt or hair floating on the surface…they would only need a flashlight to discover him. I decided I’d better head back up there and find a way to fill the outhouse up with more water.
On my way there my phone began to ring.
“It’s time for the feast – please leave whatever you are doing and bring your charges to the main hall so we can begin skinning and cutting up the meat they have collected on their hunts!” was the message left. It had been sent to everyone, not just me, so I had a little more time.
I reached the outhouses and, looking around for people who might see me, I set up a siphon between a murky pond of water and the outhouse containing my deceased body. No one seemed to be around so it was working out wonderfully. The pond water smelled worse than the outhouse. Once I was sure his body was completely covered, I removed the hose and tossed it into the pond, watching it sink into the murk.
I went back to join the crowd at the hall, feeling scared and about to be found out. I didn’t talk to anyone at all…just kept to myself and tried to will time to pass faster so I could be sure I’d gotten away with it all. Once the new people came on and we repeated the whole process the garbage would be burned and the body dissolved in piss and shit…..I wondered if I’d get that far.
I woke here…the guilt was so heavy I could barely breathe. I was SO relieved that I’d not actually killed anyone…so relieved I wept as I lay there trying to shake the feelings off.
Is it true? I need to drive myself to guilt, horrible guilt, when I don’t feel enough in life? Must I murder people in my sleep? I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings let alone end their life. I was mortified and relieved…scared and worried. My brain wants me to stay away from people. I think. I need to detach.
I feel guilt over M. I feel guilt over the way I’ve treated many people. I mean, my intentions were good always but that doesn’t excuse what I did. I cared, openly about some people who really seemed to need a friend. I tried to make sure there were boundaries but those boundaries always ended in hurt feelings and arguments. It seems like everyone wants to make their own reality and when they do, it always ends badly for me.
Anyway. Back to reality. I meet with my new job managers on Wednesday. I’m not nervous…looking forward to it a bit. I’m sad I’ll have to leave here. So sad…but, I guess things are as they are. I need the security. I need the money. I need the job. Maybe it will be awesome. Who knows.
So that’s me for today folks. I’m going to start a facebook tonight because there are a ton of nurses here who want to keep in touch. I’m kind of looking forward to it for some reason. Connection, I guess. It will save me needing new friends to care for and I can focus on you guys who have been there for me for years. Thank heavens for this blog.