Not so much a people person…
I’ve pulled back from a lot of the things that used to keep me going when I felt down. After realizing what I was doing to folks on that writing website….I don’t know…I didn’t want to keep messing with people. If you don’t recall, I would go to that site when I was hurting, lost, sad, lonely, and look for someone who needed a verbal hug. I’d listen to their stories and support them in the moment, trying to make things clear that I was only looking for a mutually supportive friendship. Of course, the people I tried to help were usually the loneliest ones and many of them latched on, feeling suddenly entitled to my affection and time. I honestly didn’t realize that was my own fault until earlier this year. When I did…I was horrified.
Dave is one. I had no idea he read my blog until he emailed me the other day telling me that he wished we were friends but he knows we aren’t. Congratulated me on the new job and happiness. It made me angry to see those words…violated somehow. I was super clear with Dave, that I was in it for a light hearted, non committed sort of banter back and forth but he just would not let go. He would say he understood in one moment and then tell me I was the woman of his dreams in the next. He said knowing me allowed him to learn to love again. He talked about buying a train ticket to come to my city to see me directly after I told him we would never, ever meet. I ended up having to be quite cruel to him, which made me feel horribly guilty (still does) and like I owed him something. I’ve not written him back as I’m afraid it will make things worse. 😦 I don’t want to hurt him more, plus, he’s not ever going to accept the truth about things.
I’m super embarrassed to say there are a lot more of them, some men, some women. I might have appeared to have bonded with some of them but really, they were never a truly connective part of my life. It’s the attachment disorder rearing its ugly head here….there’s a disconnect in my head and heart that allows me to walk away from people without any internal (personal) consequences emotionally speaking. This list includes everyone I’ve ever known including my foster family, friends, relatives. You folks here are closer to me than most people ever get and I actually miss you all when I’m away….it’s a unique perspective for me and it highlights the issues I have with people in person.
That said, I can fake it so well you’d probably not believe me if you saw me in action. I smile, I’m happy, friendly, compassionate, caring, empathetic and patient with people. It’s what makes them want to be around me so I do it intentionally. It hurts no one, except the ones who wish they could have more of it, and it makes me feel like less of a failure in life with people.
There have been a few exceptions though. M was one. I could not tear myself away from him no matter what I tried. That blew up on its own though, so the decision was made for me. D I think is still around only because of Colt. We built something new and different because we both love that boy more than anything in life. Colt is the perfect, shining exception to my disorder though. I Love that child with everything in me and I will never, ever stop. I have lived for him since the day he was born and the worth in it is not even measurable, it’s so enormous. I am well attached to my little guy and will do everything in my power to nurture and protect that bond. It makes me feel more human…or like a better human anyway. I love being a mom.
So. If you’re reading this blog and you’re one of the people from my past who has bitter, hurt feelings about the way I left your life, I’m sincerely sorry. I never meant you any harm and am saddened that the consequences of my compassion for your story are unpleasant and maybe even painful. My intentions were pure and genuine….I just didn’t realize…didn’t form proper boundaries. It’s my fault and none of you deserved it. The good thing to come of it is that I don’t do it anymore and I’ve found a different outlet…work. This new job gives me all the things I was lacking, lights up all the parts of me that burnt out so many years ago. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Dave, a special note to you: You need to let go. I’m sorry I can’t be the friend you so badly need but you need to move on. We are not friends, nor will we ever be. I truly hope you find someone special to love you for the rest of your life, but it’s not going to be me. 😦
MH – if you still bother to read this blithering blog, know this excludes you entirely. I do owe you a lot of apologies and I do miss you. You were a true friend to me and I didn’t walk away feeling nothing. I do love you and wish you nothing but the best.
I don’t want to name anyone else because I’ll forget people and that’s even more unfair. Just know if I hurt you, I’m sorry.
I was thinking of starting a new blog. If I do, and you’d like to follow it, shoot me an email or leave me a message here and I’ll send you a link. Still thinking on it though.
(Whew. That was good to get off my chest. My dreams echoed this stuff all damn night).