Returning to ME
Last night after D got home we sat and had a long chat about where we are in life and where we are headed. D told me, with tears in his pretty blue eyes, that he remembered this “me” from when we first met. He said that my smile used to be contagious and everyone wanted to be around it. He told me how I used to light up a room and how so many people hung around just in case I decided to shine my light their way…and I did shine it, as often as I could. I liked my world happy and liked even more, making others happy too.
(Why did I start to think that behaviour was a weakness?! How strange of me).
He hugged me and rocked me a little and I could feel his joy. After our hug he told me that I was making us all feel better again, Colt, him and I. I loved hearing that so much it made my heart pound in my chest. I feel like I’m making a difference again, doing something important…I have a reason to get up and start my day with a smile. How unfamiliar and wonderful is that?!
I have cut my pain meds down to one a day in the morning, just to get me going. The pain is pretty bad but this whole experience of having my job threatened and my life changed taught me how to set it aside and keep moving forward. I’m exhausted by the end of the day, don’t get me wrong, popping Advil like crazy too which doesn’t do nice things to my stomach but…but…but. I’m okay.
One of my good blog friends lives in a toxic home with people who are unhappy much of the time. She got away to visit some family for a few weeks a couple of months ago and instantly, I saw such a beautiful change in her energy…she calmed, found some peace…her chronic pain was as bad as ever but her world was more settled and balanced. I took her experience and applied it to my own, as best I could. Now, I work in a health place where there are benefits to working hard and people actually care about each other. When I make a mistake no one eats me alive and almost all of the staff seem to really like me and the job I’m doing for them. The change in environment has made remarkable changes in my world, work and otherwise. I feel good. Happy.
One of the best changes is that I no longer feel the need to cling to love. I have some amazingly good friends around me now, my son is doing wonderfully in life, my partner is happy (mostly) and loves me…it’s all good everywhere I look. As I wrote last week, M popped back into my life and although we talked some, I simply could not allow him to hurt me again. I tried to explain some things..to clear things up…to give some sort of advice/help to motivate him on his way in life. All he wanted to talk about was his incestuous relationship with his mother and I found myself deleting email half way through. I didn’t want to know. He seemed to be doing it to try to make me jealous…lol…uhhh…nauseous, maybe. It was so clear though, that he was only around for his own purposes and I realized it had always been that way with him. I felt strong and focused when I told him ‘no more’. I clearly told him to go away and to never appear in my life again and I’m set on upholding that boundary no matter what happens. I don’t need a hurtful, cruel anchor holding me under….his choices were made and his chances over.
(Wow look at meeee! I’m not letting someone hurt me on the off chance that they might still love me!) HA!
So folks, that’s me for another happy morning. I’m catching up on your blogs as I can and will be around more come shortly. Once the routine sinks all the way in I’ll be able to keep to my scheduled hours and, hopefully, manage to stay awake for a while in the evening. 🙂
Love you guys xxxxxxx 😀 Thanks for all the love and support.