Two weeks down and assorted confounding thoughts…

We had a nice long weekend here, having both the Friday and Monday off for Easter.  It allowed me to get two full days of sleep and still have time to feel like I was alive during the time off, rather than stuck in dream land.

Updates:  Job.  I’m really pleased with how the new job is turning out so far.  I start on my own tomorrow and despite being fearful that I’ll mess up some intricate union rule the moment I open the schedule, I’m feeling pretty confident and ready.  There are some real pieces of work on the unit I work for but I’m noting if not good at dealing with … varied personalities.  There are some that are out to push me because they’re new and want all the rules to go in their favour.  I’m smarter than they think I am though so…that’s not a worry for me at all.  I had a great meeting with  my boss on Thursday afternoon before I left and she did all the right things to soothe my worries.  She told me that I was doing a great job so far (instant confidence flush), that she felt I fit in well with the team (relief), and that she didn’t expect perfection.  She said that if I were to make a mistake, as long as I own it and work to correct the error without trying to shirk the blame (apparently an issue they’ve faced in the past), I was going to do great there.  She also told me she would do whatever she could to help me get the job full-time once it posts.  I believe her.  Believe in her words…I’ve been very recently burned doing the very same thing at work with my old boss but…I don’t know…this time things are different.  I’m getting that constant job related feedback I seem to need so much and even though I know its a bit maladjusted, it works so well and so easily for me.  It’s almost embarrassing, really;  I’ll flush with pride and satisfaction when someone praises my work but it is like fuel to me…if I can see I’m doing a good job and that people around me are happy and seem to like me, I feel zero stress.  I’ve always had an impossible time doing this for myself…feeling good about who/what I am without someone else telling me so; especially when they’re telling me that I’m NOT doing well at whatever I’m attempting.  It  just seems to make it all easier in the end so I’m going with it for now, after the great ego crushing of my last few months at work.

Exhaustion.  Well, I’m doing fine on that front because I’ve been going to bed really early these last two weeks.  I didn’t want to be brain dead on the new job and miss some vital bit of info that I was going to need in coming weeks.  Most days, I get home around 4 with Colt and we hang out until 430-500 or whenever his dad gets home.  I’ll say hello then promptly pass out and wake up sometime in the wee hours where I transfer to bed and sleep again.  I’m eating small regular meals and making sure to keep my calories up a bit.   I’m used to sitting in an office all day with little movement throughout.  Now I’m up and down like a yoyo, taking flights of stairs, walking back and forth to the unit, rushing to catch this nurse or that coordinator.  My walk to the car is about five times as long and I find I can’t get through the day without food for energy.  Makes me happy to be moving and eating regularly again.  That said, it eats up ALL of my energy reserves and I’m out like a light the moment my arse hits the couch.

The time I have spent awake around D and Colt has been great though.  They keep telling me how happy I seem, sound and act.  D hasn’t seem me this carefree and engaged for over a decade.  It’s the human interaction, the healthcare field, watching human beings struggle in the face of pain and disease and win in the end.  My shared office is right in the middle of two huge floors, surgery and trauma.  The patients who pass my door (always open) as they do physiotherapy laps have started to look in and smile when they see me.   I’ve been cheering them on as they heal…god, I love this part of what I do again.  I had forgotten why I got into health care in the first place…it sure as hell wasn’t for the money or job security.  I get to let my empathy flow to everyone around me and no one is breathing down my throat about corporate bullshit and budget bullshit….it’s finally about the human beings again, the patients.  I do love it where I am, very much.

The pain has been bad.  The extra movement is causing flare ups of everything all at once.  The one benefit I’ve found about a past of dissociating from emotional and physical hardships and pain is that I can turn things off a little when I need to.  I’m not wanting my new coworkers to know about my issues yet…if at all.  Hilariously, the woman who left the role on leave three years ago did so because of severe arthritis.  I want to be sure sure sure that I’ve earned my keep before letting that back into my life, if I have to in the end.

This brings to mind a very odd thing I’ve been rolling through my head.  I want to write a full post on it some time soon…if not later today, but in short, it’s surrounding the fact that my brain/instinct/survival focus changed so much in this last year, say, of my life.  The more I was left to focus on any one thing, the more it grew and became larger than life eventually.   It amazes me.  Not ten years ago I was lost in a world of pain, memories, fear, anxiety, depression and the unyielding need to escape.  I was flooded by terror, dreamt horrible things asleep and entertained them while awake.  I struggled and suffered and it was the hardest time of my life…until the pain became so bad it began to interrupt my sadness and heartache.  It became more important to my survival, coping with the physical, and then very soon after it became everything inside me.  I dreamed of pain, carried it with me all the time, holding my arms tight to my sides to prevent movement…breathing hurt, sleeping hurt, everything hurt, it seemed.  But then I lost my job and the pain, as exquisite and finely detailed as it was, became an instant after-thought.  It wasn’t less vicious, wasn’t reduced or changed, wasn’t half as medicated as before…but it was simply less important.  Now, I’m at a place where the stress load has shifted and I should be able to let go of the job loss terror a bit, and I find myself sliding back into the pain preoccupation.  I’m not sure how it’s even possible, but it’s very true…where you put your focus is where you will be in life.  It makes me want to try to get more out of life…see if I can do this at will without a huger, more destructive tragedy bumping the pain out of its place in my thoughts.  Anyway…that’s for another post.

The dreams have been a mix between sorting and placing information from my training sessions (for example, I’ll be trying to file hundreds of paper documents into charts and will forget the rules, having to reference my notes.  As I find the answer I’ll make note and put the info away…upon waking I find I can remember most of what I learned the day before.)  These dreams are not like my usual dreams and carry little anxiety…just learning, really.

The regular dreams are familiar in unhappy ways.  Lots of laundry being done, living in houses where I’m not welcome, trying to pack up and get out before the home owner comes home.  I can’t figure out the laundry reference but it’s always in my anxiety dreams.  For whatever reason, clothes are always filthy and I need to get them washed before I go.  I’m always way behind and it never, ever gets done.  In real life, I always have those few stray things that never make it through the cycle…the summer curtains that sat in my laundry area all winter long, a hand wash something-or-other that keeps getting put aside so I can get the bulk of it all done. I’ve tried many times to catch up and get it all put away in real life but it doesn’t affect the dreams…it’s never done in the dreams.

They say the way you live is a reflection of your mind.  A messy house, cluttered and unorganized, messy car full of last weekend’s beverage cups and a half eaten, rock solid donut, messy desk flooded with papers and stick it notes; messy thought patterns.  Yup…that’s me to a tee.  Maybe it’s just my brain trying to get me to organize myself.  lol…good luck with that one brain.  *sigh*

So yeah…I’m way happier at work, moving a lot more, feeling much more pain and exhaustion but far less stress.  It’s a good trade I think.  I am loving the earlier hours as I manage to get more sleep this way, plus, it helps the household, being able to pick up some groceries or what not on the way home rather than at 7 pm at night, dead tired.  I’ve been able to meet Colt’s bus twice when he had bad days and it made him so happy…I’ve never seen such light and love in someone’s eyes upon seeing me where I’m not expected.

“Oh thank you mom!  I knew you’d come for me!”  my adorable little drama queen beamed through his tears when he saw me there the first day.  He was even happier when he noticed the box of Jr. Mints I brought to coax a few extra smiles from my little love.

I feel dreadfully guilty, missing out on so much in his life right now but I keep telling myself that I will regulate, find balance somehow.  Maybe I’ll just work on a way to turn off my brain to pain.  Ha.  If I figure it out you guys will be the first to know.

Time to follow-up on a few outstanding loves!  I owe a ton of email and blog reading.  I love you all…

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

5 responses to “Two weeks down and assorted confounding thoughts…”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Ah, Jr Mints — I gave them up long ago but the though of them makes me smile. The savory counter part to Jr Mints –Doritoes. Ah to be young and have junk food save the day.

    Wonderful that the new hours give you some afternoon time with Colt.

  2. Mental Mama says :

    I’m really glad to hear that things are going so well! And I’m a little jealous that you got a nice long weekend. 🙂 Keep us posted as you’re able to. *hugs*

  3. marieolivia says :

    Grainne! Grainnie … This made me smile so much. I also think the trade is good, even though I wish the pain wasn

    • marieolivia says :

      (Sorry, don’t know what happened)
      … even though I wish the pain wasn’t there either of course, but I dunno, I feel as if emotional and mental pain is the worst pain, and that with a smile on our face we cope with and manage to endure more physical pain. It sounds like the job is completely right for you, and it must be so great to get that confidence from your boss! I’m sure you’re doing a great job! 🙂 Colt is such a sweet little kid, and I’m sure he doesn’t blame you for being gone sometimes. You really show him how you love him once you’re together, and as long as he knows how important he is to you, and how much you love him, he will get through you not being there some times.
      Hope you have a great remainder of the week. Do you have all weekends off?

  4. plf1990 says :

    1. Thank you for sharing this post. I have nominated you for a Brave Heart Award:
    Stand Strong You Are Not Alone
    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.
    Each step you take you are not alone.
    Stand Strong.
    Please follow the instructions on my blog to accept your award 🙂 thank you for blogging.
    http://www.understandingmeandher.wordpress.com

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