Wedding Dreams. Again. (Oh and a little happiness!)
First – this is my last day in this craptacular department! I woke up with a grin on my face….lol. I’m really excited to start my new job on Monday.
I ended up getting HR over a barrel. They should have arranged an interview for me with the new job that posted…maybe I didn’t write about this. Two days after I got my temp job a job well suited to my skill set with higher pay came up. It’s in the same building I’m in now, one floor down. Quiet, dead office, too hot all the time, few people working with me. The only good points are that it’s permanent and more pay. Because they didn’t bother to answer my email, I’m being granted permission to apply for it, although policy states, if you accept a temp job you must work 60% of it before applying for new positions. (Stops folks from taking a temp job and leaving in the first week). It’s a tough call. I asked D his thoughts and he told me to take the job I already have regardless of the pay/status. He wants to see me happy, he said, and he can see how excited I am about being back in the clinical ring. Plus, admin jobs are not going to be so safe in the next five years as our budgets keep getting cut. They’ll eliminate the admin jobs before the clinical ones, of course, soooo…I’m kind of getting out of this particular pool just in time. I think I’ll stay with what I have. I have until noon to decide.
Okay this dream plagued me all damn night. I went to sleep around 6 and I can’t remember any other dreams aside from this one. It woke me up and I’d start over again, same dream, slightly different plot, over and over again all night long. I’ve had a similar one in recent months too…never quite got the point of it.
I was dreaming I was getting married. I had on a beautiful white (*giggles*) gown with a long train and a gorgeous silky veil. It was gorgeous and fit me like it was custom-made for my body. I was really happy and excited to be getting married and I knew loads of people were coming to share in my joy. Nothing could have made me happier.
The ceremony was at the hospital I work in. There was a big board room that they used for weddings, apparently, and the catering service provided meals and drinks.
No one in my family lives in town so everyone was having to travel to attend. It made me feel so special that they were all coming just to see me get married…my heart was full to bursting as I anxiously awaited the time when I would walk down the aisle.
Once the room was ready and I had watched all sorts of people from my past file in and take a seat, I put on my best smile and walked into the room. Someone noticed me and said “Oh there she is!” and the whole room turned to look. I said “Hi Everyone!!” and they all burst into smiles and began to clap for me. I felt like a million smiles were buzzing around my body…it was such a wonderful feeling and I relished every drop.
The ceremony was quick (and I didn’t actually see my husband…lol…he apparently wasn’t important to the dream) and when it was over people started milling around, looking for where to go next. I asked a caterer who was speeding by when the food would be served and she looked at me, confused.
“We don’t serve dinner at these…” she said.
My mother was right behind me with the contract in hand.
“Oh yes you do! I paid for meals for all of these people…it says so right here!” she held up a piece of paper that indicated meals would be served, chicken, pork or fish were the selection. It also noted an open bar.
The caterer took the paper, read it, shrugged and handed it back to me. There was to be no dinner or reception after all and I was devastated to realize that many of my guests were already leaving, annoyed that they had come so far just for a five minute service.
“Wait! Don’t leave! We can go somewhere else…” I tried, but so many were already at the front doors on their way home.
I ended up going back to someone’s house with a small gathering of people. I thought most of my family were heading there as well so when I arrived I sat and waited, still in my dress, for them to show up. There were a bunch of younger people at the house who had come for the wedding and I asked them if they wanted to go out and hit a night club or bar.
“How many times will I be able to go drinking in a wedding dress in my life?” I giggled aloud. I was waiting to see my family first though, so sat again and waited.
A woman I knew as a child … my best friends mother, was there. She is not alive in reality anymore but was there in my dream.
“Hey where is Wendy?” I asked the woman. I didn’t want to leave without her.
“Oh honey,” said her mom with sad eyes. “She left after the ceremony when she heard there was no dinner.”
I was instant bulldozed by sadness.
“But she’s my best friend? My best friend just left me here?” tears sprang to my eyes.
“I’m so sorry lamb.” She hugged me, crushing the lace of my dress. I was so sad.
I went looking for my mother and sister but quickly realized they weren’t there and wouldn’t be coming at all. They had gone home too, without even saying goodbye. It reminded me of when my son was born, even in the dream. (that happened in real life but that’s a story for another time).
So, upon discovering that my best friend, my mother, my sister and brother and all family and friends, aside from a small bunch, all left without even saying a word. No congratulations, no hugs, no care. I felt so lonely and let down I didn’t even know what to do. I asked the younger kids (by that I mean 20 year olds) if they were ready to go and we set out, stopping at a sports bar where we all ordered pitchers of cheap draught beer. They all ignored me and I sat in silence sipping my warmish beer alone in a corner, still wearing my wedding gown.
I left and no one noticed but by then I wasn’t surprised in the least. I had never felt more alone.
So. Being let down is playing on my psyche. I trusted these people in this department to care and after all these years I was surprised to find that they just don’t. I treated them life family, was open about my issues (physical, anyway, the emotional ones are none of their business) and I reached out for help when I was struggling with a particularly abrasive personality. For all my efforts I only got my job eliminated. It’s a hard lesson…one I thought I’d already learned by being betrayed by so many people who called themselves family.
Lesson. D and Colt are the best family in the world. They make up for almost everything….I’m very, very thankful to have them. 🙂
Oookay guys! Last day! I’m about to clean up the last few things I have to do and then I’m going to fucking sit here and play on the internet until three (ish) and I can split. I have that lunch to attend in two weeks, which makes me laugh. The director will have to sit there next to his boss while he tells me how happy he is for me to have found something. LOL! Ahh that will be fun. I’m just going to look forward to that and ignore all the rest.
Thank you to all of you for helping pull me through this frightening and self-confidence killing time of my life. I dont’ think I’d have done half as well without you guys. You’re another great family in my life. Just wanted you all to know. xoxoxox
Have a great Friday! xx