Moment of Understanding
I was chatting with D on the weekend about that lower paying but more front line health care directed job I applied for on Friday and fell in love with. It was in the middle of a thought that I realized…all of the PTSD issues, mental health breakdowns, depression and OCD flare ups started to become vicious and uncontrollable when I started working in this current, laid off position. The last job I held here was very busy and I had zero time for email or blogging or messing around online. I had things to do each day and the interruptions never stopped. I freaking loved it and my brain was happy and engaged all the time. Here though….let me write it out for you so understand the difference. Working in a clinical campus, you are in the middle of everything. There are nurses, docs, residents, fellows and a myriad of professional staff including social work, physio, dietitians etc. all running around taking care of patients. The more critical the care, the more activity and engagement there is. There is a huge cafeteria and several small restaurants at each campus, Starbucks, Tim Hortons on several floors…it’s a busy place to be. Working in Corp Admin, like I do now is very different. There are executive ‘pods’ at each campus that are away from the clinical areas and closer to the boardrooms meaning fewer people coming by. I’m even one more step removed being located off campus, in an old nurses residence. The hospital I work for opened in 1905 and the building across the road from me is the original building. It’s currently being torn down and stripped of asbestos so the land can be turned back to the city for low-income housing development (it’s that area of town anyway…will just provide more space for people to live). Across the road and connected by underground tunnel is the old education building and nurses residence where, as the name suggests, nurses in training would live while learning their trade. My actual office used to be a nurses room and I have the closet, sink and general lay out that makes it a bit creepy at times. There are ten floors here but only floors 1-3 are in use, leaving tons of vacant, unlit, creepy hallways to explore. The underground tunnel has been collapsed where it connects to the building across the road but there are still catacombs of rooms down there. The worst part about this place is the dead quiet. There are five offices in use in my hall but we all have so many meetings it’s not unusual to be alone in the hall for a good part of the day, since I no longer have meetings to attend. The place is heated by boiler heat and they have to let it run until the summer because it takes weeks to heat up and cool down again. The walls are plastered over asbestos tile (fire proofing and noise barrier) so there’s a dense sort of feeling here, musty, damp, hot and stuffy. Mix in alone in a creepy unlit hallway then make your phone stop dead aaaaand you’ve got my work environment. I don’t think I could have designed a better place to have a breakdown. The point of all that is to tell you guys that I really want the fuck out of here. I actually wrote the woman who interviewed me for that low paying job this morning letting her know how much I want to join their team. I was professional, direct and enthusiastic. I figured it couldn’t hurt…after sending that reference letter from my old vice chair I was afraid I had oversold myself a bit. His letter was really, really flattering. I wanted to be sure she knew that I really wanted this opportunity. I don’t really want to work in corporate admin anymore, nor am I very interested in being a medical secretary. In the middle of the hubbub is right where I want to exist…. I do hope this one comes through for me, cons and all.
The pain is sitting a little lower in severity today. I’m not sure if it’s the weather or the rest or just the unpredictable nature of my nerve pain. There’s something weird going on though…it’s hard to put my finger on but something feels wrong. I mean, I understand bone pain and that having nerves smooshed between eroding discs and vertebrae will hurt, however, should the entire structure hurt to touch so much it makes me cry against my will? I don’t quite think it’s just another symptom I should expect to have. My stomach is a mess I sweat a ridiculous amount at night, and now I not only have nerve damage at random and pain in my muscles, nerves and other connective tissues along with a burning pain in my spine from top to bottom? Nothing my body does ever makes sense and although I’m fucking sick to death of appointments and medication trials and doctors shrugging at me….I have to try again. This one is not easy to work around. I can’t wipe my ass… I mean… I can’t raise my arms above my head. Make up…lol, that was a challenge this morning. I got up an hour early and needed every spare moment to take a quick shower, dress and get make up on (not a lot…could only do so much).
I don’t want to let the pain take center stage again. I need to keep focused on what I’m doing so I can get by and make a better future for myself.
*Screws up some more courage* aaand on with the day then. Hey, at least the sun is out and the snow is melted. It might actually be spring after all. (Knocks on wood to not jinx us all!)