Black and White

This post is going to have two sides, one will be where I complain and the other will be happier, because although I’m in a lot of pain, I’m feeling great inside.

Bad stuff first.  Skip this if you like 😉

Last night I was so sore, happy, but wow…let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt quite this much for this length of time before.  I took a lot of meds and even had a glass of wine, which usually relaxes me but last night it did nothing at all.  I thought it was muscle pain from all my muscles being clenched to stone in my upper torso and I had a headache (of course) so I asked D for some help.  He agreed to rub my head (my actual head and face also hurt…he’s found a way to massage without hurting my brain…bless him) but I begged for a tiny bit on my shoulders and neck.  He was tired but he agreed.  He tried doing the usual but I could not stand the pain of him touching anywhere near my spine.  He got the table out and had me lie down, hoping a better angle would open my back up a little and let him get in there.

When he rubs my back it always hurts like hell.  It’s not soothing or relaxing, its deep tissue, aggressive, bruising, painful manipulation of my muscles.  It’s the only way to get them to move or let go in the least.  So, he went from my neck to my tail bone a few times trying to see where the pain was the worst.  Guys…It hurt so much I was in tears not two minutes into it.  I had my face in the little hole on the table and tears were just dropping onto the carpet like rain..I tried not to sob too much because it’s nearly impossible to continue hurting someone who is sobbing from the pain when you’re trying to help.

My spine…the muscles on either side and all the nerves between were so fucking sore…there was nowhere he could go that didn’t hurt so much I had to dig my toes into the bottom of the bed and force myself not to flinch away.  I took it as long as I could and then asked him to stop.  This morning, everything he moved around is back to where it was and now I have bruises all down my back.  I tried a hot shower this morning, a long one, but it only gave me a headache.  I’m fully medicated though all of this so…I’m at a loss as to what the hell to do now.  D says to wait the spring out but I can’t exist like this can I?  In this much pain?  Last night was an 8-9 and that is huge pain.  I equate a “10” with childbirth, to put that into perspective for you.  Kinda scared.  Not over thinking it though.

Now for the good stuff.

I am so proud of myself for doing that interview yesterday.  I suddenly feel a whole lot closer to who I lost when the pain started to affect my daily life.  I was strong, confident, and he couldn’t fluster me.  Nothing he said made me blush or look away.  I did not act meek or timid and I did not apologize for anything aside from being fashionably late…lol.  I misread the time.  It only served to make my point more clear as it didn’t cause me stress.  Not anything they could see anyway.  I feel like I got a bit of closure.  I was so confident and sure…I woke up that way, so I’m not sure what I did but hell yeah!  I’m not going to worry about it.  I still feel that way….suddenly it look like things might just work out.

First, I called HR out on their crappy assistance and to my surprise they all started hopping.  There are, apparently, two jobs in the works that they are looking at for me.  Apparently, the “preference” layoff folks get is that when jobs come up, they match you to something in your skill set prior to posting.  THAT would be fucking helpful.  The trouble is that my position is so unique, she said, they didn’t know what to flag for me.  That’s utter crap, however, I let her away with it and just asked what would be happening now?  She promised me that “My team”  (lol) was working hard to find me something.  I’m not counting on it but at least they’re doing something now.

I wrote the two docs I interviewed with two weeks ago who never got back to me.  I told then I realized I was not the successful candidate, however, wondered if they would provide me with some feedback to help me improve my communication/interview skills.  What I really wanted to know was if my file was flagged or my sick days highlighted with no reason given….  The lady doc called me shortly thereafter and we had a great chat.  She assured me that my interview was excellent.  She said I came across knowledgeable, confident, intelligent and professional.  She couldn’t think of anything I could do to improve.  It made me smile from ear to ear…so now, I know it’s not ME who is fucking up, it’s just circumstance.  There were a ton of applicants, I was told, and the only reason they went with another was because she had been working in their department for a long time and knew everything that was required.  More experience.  That, I can totally understand.  Anyway, it made me feel so much better.

D was sweet about it last night.  He let me talk about it and actually talked with me about his thoughts on the subject.  It was cool…we spent an hour just chatting about how great I am…lol.  Then I slept.  Fairly well too.

So.  I’m hurting really bad today but my heart is full again and my judgement sound.  I hope I can ride this wave all the way to my next job.

Funny…just yesterday, all of this confidence and happiness came flooding back into me.  Last night I got emails and texts from folks I’ve not talked to in years.  It’s like they can smell it on me and come back for the good stuff.  It’s odd how that happens isn’t it?  When you feel good, everyone wants to be around you which makes you feel even better.

Now that, my friends, is a damn good day in my books.  Happy Friday all.  I’m looking forward to resting my bones.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “Black and White”

  1. Sian says :

    Sorry to hear you were i so much pain, but glad you are feeling good despite it!x

  2. KittyHere says :

    The pain stinks, and darn it your G.P. needs to do something, make a smarter referral, find a study for you to join, something. But pain does feed off stress too. So Hallejuiah you have recovered your sense of self, self-worth, confidence, and perspective. So much of what happens is not due to whether or not you are perfect, or even if other people for less than fair.

  3. Mental Mama says :

    I can’t even imagine pain like that. I hope someone is able to find you some kind of relief SOON.

    Put good out into the universe, get good back. 😀

  4. Pete says :

    Holy Jesus an 8 0r 9 is AGONY my lovely twin!

    I equate a 10 with having my calf muscles and spine on a hotplate and not ever being able to remove them because thee flesh won’t ever burn up. If I had a gun in one hand and no hope of relief in the other?!!

    Hope you find some pain relief kiddo,

    Always in my thoughts,

    Pete xo

    • Grainne says :

      Crap eh? I’m hoping for some relief for both of us love. It’s bad today, my spine. Trying to ignore it but wow…so hard. xx

      • Pete says :

        Yeah relief for both of us would be fantastic gorgeous twin!
        If there was a worldwide search for people with neuropathic pain to trial a new very strong drug against pain, reckon we’d be a couple of the first to put our hands up??

        Just going to say it in an Aussie way, straight out this pain fucking sucks!

        Love you Grainne,

        Pete xo

      • Grainne says :

        Love you back Twin. xox

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