I wrote to my Aunt again. She’s the one who found me, years ago, after she came upon my contact information left online from years before. She left the most amazing message on my voicemail letting me know that she thought she might be my aunt. After mere moments of conversation it was obvious that we were on the same page. I was born three months early and I don’t think there’s many who survived that in the 70’s when I came to be.
We talked on the phone a few times and made plans to meet. I went to her home, a six-hour drive away, and spend the weekend getting to know them…she was my mom’s youngest sister and loved her very much. I could still see that love in her eyes when she spoke of Kathy. She wrote me, after we returned home, telling me that she loved me so much. She said now that she had found me she would never let me go. I was..elated. Family. Blood. Home….for the first time I felt connected to someone by birthright, not just circumstance.
Anyway, I tripped and landed smack in the middle of a cptsd puddle shortly thereafter and started therapy (wow this was quite a while ago!), then got myself on some helpful medications…some not so helpful. I struggled through years of depression and wanting to die…I kept her away from that part of me because I was terrified that she would think I wanted something from her. I didn’t. I just wanted her in my life.
But, in my way, I slowly stopped talking to her. We connected once every few months and she seemed okay with that. I always at least answered her email, even if they weren’t long ones. She wrote about meeting the rest of the family…having a dinner somewhere where everyone could attend. I put that off a bit then, considering how messed up I was in the head. I was so worried they would not want me if they knew. I wrote them all a letter and lied (or talked around) my past. I didn’t want them to pity me or feel bad. I really just wanted to meet them.
Time passed and my aunts letters got shorter, until one day she stopped writing all together. After my diagnosis with the pain, (if you can call what I’m working with a ‘diagnosis’) I wrote her again. I told her I was on more even ground and that I missed her. I told her no one in my family (adoptive) spoke to me any longer and that I would love to have a relationship with her, even if it remained over email. I just didn’t want to lose the closest thing I had to my mom. She didn’t reply.
Months later she sent me a note and said she knew I must be disappointed but I jumped all over that, told her no no nooo it was fine. I just wanted to not lose her. I didn’t quite understand what she meant, I think. I now realize she was saying goodbye. She didn’t want to deal with what I came with. Maybe she was upset over her loss…I dont’ know. She was so differently minded back when we met. I told her I didn’t want to cause her any pain but she insisted that wasn’t the case. She carried that throughout the time we spoke. Then…she just went away.
I wrote about it here. Lots of kind-hearted folks told me that she may not have been ready or didn’t think about the implication, but I know in my heart that wasn’t the case. Her sister had been gone for 30 years. She was well settled and balanced and my appearance did nothing but provide her with a source of happiness. A little bit of the sister she lost…as she was a little bit of the mother I lost, to me.
Anyway. I wrote her again. I told her about my spine and the things I’ve been going through. I told her I’d been to therapy and had done well with the depression and ptsd. I caught her up on Colt and how wonderful he is..did the same with D. I sent it off to her Hotmail and her work email both, hoping to find her somewhere but….no answer.
Maybe she’s on vacation. Maybe she isn’t checking those email anymore. Maybe she died and no one bothered to tell me. I don’t know. I don’t think she’s going to write back though. I feel a huge sadness inside when I think of this. It wasn’t that I thought she’d replace anything I’d lost, but I didn’t expect her to treat me as if I don’t exist. Which is how this feels, true or otherwise. I hope she writes back, even just to tell me to stop writing her. At least then I’d know.
This ambivalence is part of the attachment issues I have. When I need to focus elsewhere it’s usually very easy for me to do so, for a great length of time to pass without me realizing it. I am guessing that I hurt her by not being more connected? I’m not sure. It would explain why she wants nothing to do with me though. Even family, real family, doesn’t want to put up with me. How did I grow up with all these people around me, saying they loved me, only to end up here?
I’m not very lovable am I? Not in reality, when you have to look me in the face. But that’s okay. I can turn and walk away without a thought. Not exactly my most endearing skill but….it is what it is. What else can I do?
(Pain is back. Tired…haven’t done any work yet but that’s simply out of spite.)
Guess that’s all.