Panicked Free-Form Thought Process

This is basically what’s spinning in circles inside my head.  I’m putting it here to see if I can let any of it go.  I’m very anxious right now…having a very hard time.  I know this is all depressing and self-destructive but I had to put it somewhere.  Just shutting up about it doesn’t make it go away.  😦

If I were you, I’d not even read this.

If they wanted me they would have called by now, don’t you think?  It’s after 1:00…they said they would let me know by the end of the week.  I keep trying to stay positive about it all but the longer my phone does not ring, the more afraid I become that I will not be the successful candidate.  I found out through the grapevine that they interviewed someone yesterday so they may still be having their final interviews…maybe that’s why they didn’t call.

My heart is in my throat.  There are so many reasons that I want this to happen…  I prayed to God today, also to my mom and dad up there, my amazing uncle who we lost too soon, D’s best friend, cousins and others who have passed away in life, I asked them all to gather with me here, angels too.  I need a break.  I need some of this burden lifted from me.  I cannot bear the pressure of the pain and the crazy in my head and the loss of my job and the general crappiness of my life all at once for much longer and I’m trying so hard.  So damn hard just to hash out some sort of living.  If I could just get this job, I could finally come down from this stress.  Everything will be so much easier to deal with if I know I have a job, won’t be in poverty, won’t ruin my son and my husbands lives.  To hold my end up would make me feel a gazillion times better.  To know I have benefits and therefore, medications that will assist me in getting along and doing a great job for those docs, I will be able to exhale.

Please?  Please God….mom?  Dad? Are you guys with me?  All of you up there, I’m so close to tears.  I just need a break.  I’ve earned it I think and I promise I will do my best not to fuck it up.

I can’t stop thinking they would have called by now.  It’s 1:24.  I don’t think they have clinics and even if they did, I can imagine a quick phone call of agreement could be made to end this suffering of mine, not knowing.

I have an interview for a temp job with even worse pay next week so I have a little silver lining to hang on to…sort of.  I also found a doc who has a retiring secretary…I contacted him as well.  There’s one doc who wants to interview me but doesn’t offer benefits.  That won’t do…private hire as well so I’d not be able to stay with the hospital benefits or pension.  I hope it’s all moot because I am going to be offered this position I’m so anxiously waiting on.

I feel like I’m going to throw up from nerves.  Interesting comparison to the usual.

I’m on my knees here.  I would so love to spend this weekend smiling at the fact that I am not going to fail everyone who depends on me.  D is being wonderful and making sure I know that he’ll never feel that way but I wonder what it will be like in 7 years when he’s 50 and still doesn’t own a home, can’t get a house or a loan because of his crippled wife who couldn’t find work.  I’m so scared.  What will happen to Colt?  How will we make sure he’s okay after we’re gone?  Will all his teeth fall out if we can’t afford to get him to the dentist with no benefits?

No Pension.  No savings, no assets.  How will we live?  No money?  No…nothing?  The most I can get on disability is 800$ a month.  That doesn’t even pay my fucking rent.  Okay okay…stop panicking.  They might call yet and plus, there might be another job out there for me.  (Heart hammering in chest).

Why won’t they call?!  It’s because they want to offer it to someone else isn’t it?  They can’t get a hold of her to confirm she still wants it…or something of that nature.  I can’t imagine why they’d wait so long other than that.  They’re busy docs…they don’t have time to chase down the ones they don’t want to hire just to put the losers out of their misery.

Guys, I’m really really scared.  I fought my entire life, so hard, just to be able to do this….make decent money, support myself, have a child I could raise with all sorts of fun extras like Ipads and video games, not poverty.  I used to lie in the street at night when I had nowhere to go and tears would make a puddle under my face.  Each one that fell was a little slice of giving up but I promised myself that if I tried really hard and fought through without losing myself to it all, I’d be okay.  I told myself I was strong enough and smart enough.  I fought through so much to get out.  I suffered and struggled, no help from anyone other than Tiffany.  I put myself through school because I didn’t want to be homeless.  I wanted something better.  I wanted to be happy and fulfilled.

I got here.  I remember the day I was offered employment here and I was ecstatic…so proud.  Ten years on I still felt proud of what I had accomplished and I had fun at the celebration where they fed us dinner and they played the taped interview of me answering questions…so proud.  Then not a month later I lose my job.  Lay off.  I didn’t even halfway expect it.  I was scared but I wasn’t too worried…I’m really good at interviews.  I just can’t believe how little there is out there and how few interviews I’m getting.  How many rejections.  If I have to walk out of here with nothing?  What will I do then?  Go work at a coffee shop for minimum wage?  Pick up a new mall job and make barely enough to afford my fucking bus pass (since I won’t have a car to drive)?

Colt is fucking disabled.  My child is disabled and unable to take care of his own needs.  That is a terrible thing to have to think about every day.  I’ve done well for him, by him….I’ll continue to fight until there is no breath left in me but how will I live without a job, without money?  Without success.

WHY am I doomed to suffer so much???  It started the day I was born and never let up.  How long do I have to pay these penalties?  I feel so low and worthless.  Why does life just continue to reinforce it?

I need a break.  I need something to go my way, anything.  Preferably the job situation.  I’m never going to be out of pain.  I’m never going to be without anxiety.  I’m never going to feel well again.  I’m never going to love this new out of shape body.  I’m never going to be slim and beautiful, like I once was.  I’m never going to have a child who will grow up and have babies of his own (likely anyway).  I don’t get to watch my son meet a girl or go to a birthday party.  I’m never going to be the house that is streaming with teenagers, hanging out and watching movies.  I always wanted to be that place…where all of Colt’s friends came to hang out.  *tears*

I’m never going to wake up in the morning and yawn and stretch and be thankful for my wonderful, comfortable life.  I’ve never even gone on vacation.  My car only has two working door handles (it’s a four door).  I generally only get out of my overdraft twice a month.  I have debt.  I have nothing useful and now I AM nothing useful and what does that fucking leave me?

Nothing.  It leaves me with nothing.  I can’t even manage to stay awake long enough to do things that make me happy. All I do is sleep and dream and bite my tongue against the constant plain, and panic about being worthless and unemployable and fucked.  The most terrible part though is that it’s not just me I’ll be screwing over.

D could meet someone who has a job, can still have kids…isn’t in chronic agony and menopause at 38.  He could have fun weekends and spend time outside loving life with his family.  He could have a house, several cars…a comfortable, easy life.  But…he’ll never have that with me will he?  I feel like I’m ruining their chances along with my own.

I hurt so much for so many reasons they get confused in my head.

What was the point of all this bullshit if I’m only going to end up shaking with pain in a morphine haze from my mid 40’s onward?  What was the point of any of it?  Maybe I should have died when my parents did.  I can’t see any reason to be here, beyond causing hardship for everyone around me, especially those I love.  😦

Off to meet about something with a coworker.  I will post this but please, don’t tell me how wrong I am and don’t tell me to remember all the good things.  I’m not in the mood to fake it today.  If that phone doesn’t ring soon I’m going to lose my mind.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

15 responses to “Panicked Free-Form Thought Process”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Calls can be delayed for a million reasons. I doubt the folks on the other end are thinking “We said we would let that woman know by the end of the week, so we better be phoning her.” They are only thinking of themselves, and it could include deciding to review the whole applicant pool again on Monday.

    No, it is not fair, yes, you are stressed and this comment sloves nothing. But I cannot go off to the kitchen and bake cookies without saying something.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Kitty. I know I’m not their first priority. She did say she wouldn’t leave me wondering over the weekend and I took her word on it… I just so wanted to be able to exist without this stress for a couple of days.

      They are doctors…I suppose they could actually be seeing patients.

      • KittyHere says :

        Golly Grainne something as noble as tending to their patients never crossed my mind. That is a good one, no time to pow-wow about selecting the new hire because they had a lot of patients who had to be seen before the weekend.

  2. Mental Mama says :

    Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. *HUGS*

  3. Pete says :

    No sweetheart,

    You aren’t wrong, all those things are true and I’ve had to live through some of the greatest loses of my life. We aren’t all born into future white picket homes with great wages, a gorgeous partner and live to be 80 without pain or fatigue. I’ve learned that the hard way and also that prayer doesn’t work, at least for that little boy all those years ago.

    I’m a Taurus, a realist and don’t expect those things, but one thing I know is that we’ll both sort things out together, or fate will do it for us. No sugar coatings here, but there is comfort, a place to rest your weary head and the love of a twin.

    You have beautiful soul Grainne,

    Love Pete xoxoxoxoxo

    • Grainne says :

      Things have to get sorted out eventually right? I mean, life cannot be endless crap over and over can it?

      I’m so lucky to have you on my side Pete. Thank you for the encouragement and love.

      • Pete says :

        Well not to sound like a stupid cliché but I will anyway in that new things are always being invented, new drugs, one I’ve heard of…a pain drug that is being developed from a certain snail venom that is 1000 times stronger than Morphine and not addictive! It’s about 5-6 years off but hey we deserve to get stuck into that together cuddled up, your head on my shoulder lovely twin, watching movies and eating snacks both completely pain free! Bliss huh? Oh and yeah I’ll bring the aged French champagne, hell why not make it a pain free party!?

        Will things change and get sorted out? Well it could be as you say’ endless crap over and over,’ but hey even some crap has to have originated from SOME beautiful food doesn’t it (lol couldn’t help myself).

        I’m lucky to have found you finally. My beautiful opposite mirror image twin, same pain, exhaustion, black humour, medications, x-rays etc. Oh and she loves movies and peppermints too.

        You’ve been let down in life enough Grainne, I will NEVER do that to you and the encouragement and love comes for free too 😉

        Pete xo

      • Grainne says :

        What a lovely message..thank you so much. You know, you’re right. I shouldn’t let myself think that this will be the best I’ll ever feel again. There are new things being invented and discovered, like you say, and maybe some day everything will be different. Who knows right? I try to stay on the more positive side of the path but crumble at times….as we all do I guess.

        I had to laugh at your tone Pete…that was a pretty funny and endearing message. lol..some shit has to start out as beautiful food…lolol. It’s quite true! I’ll think of that today to keep my spirits up.

        Much love. xx

  4. marieolivia says :

    You’re so strong though.
    Thanks for sharing this. I’m glad I kept reading despite your warning.
    I wish I could make it better.

  5. littlegirlintherain says :

    Such an honest and inspiring post – from nothing, you HAVE risen, and you will continue to rise! You’re one strong lady who takes time out to care for others when you could just not care because you have so much going on in your own life. I totally hear you on the suffering part (my path is different but I feel like I understand) and it is so debilitating to feel that life will never get better….I pray for work to come through, and I pray for victories and accomplishments. Sending lots of love, M xx

    • Grainne says :

      This made me cry…good tears, but still. Thank you so much. *Hugs you tight*. I feel like I’m trying to hold back an ocean somehow and I’m managing, but not as well as everyone thinks I am. That’s so me though.

      You know how much I identify with you so I know you can understand where I’m coming from in my posts. It means a lot of have you thinking of me as you go through your own trials as well. xoxox Thank you for the prayers. Every single one helps. xo

      • littlegirlintherain says :

        Hey, we’re here for each other! I see that you might think the worst of things (I do that automatically) so it might help if someone objective says hey wait a minute, it might not be what you think…The work situation must be AWFUL and I know alllll about rejections and always assuming the worst so although I wish I could say hey you’ll get whatever job you want, it isn’t always like that at all! I can just be here for support and offer my opinions but unfortunately I’m not a job-fairy who magically could give you the best, most fulfilling job in the world (I’d love to do that, though!). Hang on, and I pray it’ll get better! You’re doing an amazing job in a tough situation!!! Much love, M x

      • Grainne says :

        *giggles* Wait what? You’re NOT a job fairy? Lolol…that made me smile, you sweet girl. Thanks. xox I appreciate your support and friendship so much.

      • littlegirlintherain says :

        No, sorry to disappoint you, I’m not…Trust me, I would have created a perfect job opportunity for myself a long ago! I’m job hunting too and ugh, as we say in England, it’s a bit of a pisstake. Low pay, shit benefits, that’s all I get offered…Praying for something amazing!

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