Panicked Free-Form Thought Process
This is basically what’s spinning in circles inside my head. I’m putting it here to see if I can let any of it go. I’m very anxious right now…having a very hard time. I know this is all depressing and self-destructive but I had to put it somewhere. Just shutting up about it doesn’t make it go away. 😦
If I were you, I’d not even read this.
If they wanted me they would have called by now, don’t you think? It’s after 1:00…they said they would let me know by the end of the week. I keep trying to stay positive about it all but the longer my phone does not ring, the more afraid I become that I will not be the successful candidate. I found out through the grapevine that they interviewed someone yesterday so they may still be having their final interviews…maybe that’s why they didn’t call.
My heart is in my throat. There are so many reasons that I want this to happen… I prayed to God today, also to my mom and dad up there, my amazing uncle who we lost too soon, D’s best friend, cousins and others who have passed away in life, I asked them all to gather with me here, angels too. I need a break. I need some of this burden lifted from me. I cannot bear the pressure of the pain and the crazy in my head and the loss of my job and the general crappiness of my life all at once for much longer and I’m trying so hard. So damn hard just to hash out some sort of living. If I could just get this job, I could finally come down from this stress. Everything will be so much easier to deal with if I know I have a job, won’t be in poverty, won’t ruin my son and my husbands lives. To hold my end up would make me feel a gazillion times better. To know I have benefits and therefore, medications that will assist me in getting along and doing a great job for those docs, I will be able to exhale.
Please? Please God….mom? Dad? Are you guys with me? All of you up there, I’m so close to tears. I just need a break. I’ve earned it I think and I promise I will do my best not to fuck it up.
I can’t stop thinking they would have called by now. It’s 1:24. I don’t think they have clinics and even if they did, I can imagine a quick phone call of agreement could be made to end this suffering of mine, not knowing.
I have an interview for a temp job with even worse pay next week so I have a little silver lining to hang on to…sort of. I also found a doc who has a retiring secretary…I contacted him as well. There’s one doc who wants to interview me but doesn’t offer benefits. That won’t do…private hire as well so I’d not be able to stay with the hospital benefits or pension. I hope it’s all moot because I am going to be offered this position I’m so anxiously waiting on.
I feel like I’m going to throw up from nerves. Interesting comparison to the usual.
I’m on my knees here. I would so love to spend this weekend smiling at the fact that I am not going to fail everyone who depends on me. D is being wonderful and making sure I know that he’ll never feel that way but I wonder what it will be like in 7 years when he’s 50 and still doesn’t own a home, can’t get a house or a loan because of his crippled wife who couldn’t find work. I’m so scared. What will happen to Colt? How will we make sure he’s okay after we’re gone? Will all his teeth fall out if we can’t afford to get him to the dentist with no benefits?
No Pension. No savings, no assets. How will we live? No money? No…nothing? The most I can get on disability is 800$ a month. That doesn’t even pay my fucking rent. Okay okay…stop panicking. They might call yet and plus, there might be another job out there for me. (Heart hammering in chest).
Why won’t they call?! It’s because they want to offer it to someone else isn’t it? They can’t get a hold of her to confirm she still wants it…or something of that nature. I can’t imagine why they’d wait so long other than that. They’re busy docs…they don’t have time to chase down the ones they don’t want to hire just to put the losers out of their misery.
Guys, I’m really really scared. I fought my entire life, so hard, just to be able to do this….make decent money, support myself, have a child I could raise with all sorts of fun extras like Ipads and video games, not poverty. I used to lie in the street at night when I had nowhere to go and tears would make a puddle under my face. Each one that fell was a little slice of giving up but I promised myself that if I tried really hard and fought through without losing myself to it all, I’d be okay. I told myself I was strong enough and smart enough. I fought through so much to get out. I suffered and struggled, no help from anyone other than Tiffany. I put myself through school because I didn’t want to be homeless. I wanted something better. I wanted to be happy and fulfilled.
I got here. I remember the day I was offered employment here and I was ecstatic…so proud. Ten years on I still felt proud of what I had accomplished and I had fun at the celebration where they fed us dinner and they played the taped interview of me answering questions…so proud. Then not a month later I lose my job. Lay off. I didn’t even halfway expect it. I was scared but I wasn’t too worried…I’m really good at interviews. I just can’t believe how little there is out there and how few interviews I’m getting. How many rejections. If I have to walk out of here with nothing? What will I do then? Go work at a coffee shop for minimum wage? Pick up a new mall job and make barely enough to afford my fucking bus pass (since I won’t have a car to drive)?
Colt is fucking disabled. My child is disabled and unable to take care of his own needs. That is a terrible thing to have to think about every day. I’ve done well for him, by him….I’ll continue to fight until there is no breath left in me but how will I live without a job, without money? Without success.
WHY am I doomed to suffer so much??? It started the day I was born and never let up. How long do I have to pay these penalties? I feel so low and worthless. Why does life just continue to reinforce it?
I need a break. I need something to go my way, anything. Preferably the job situation. I’m never going to be out of pain. I’m never going to be without anxiety. I’m never going to feel well again. I’m never going to love this new out of shape body. I’m never going to be slim and beautiful, like I once was. I’m never going to have a child who will grow up and have babies of his own (likely anyway). I don’t get to watch my son meet a girl or go to a birthday party. I’m never going to be the house that is streaming with teenagers, hanging out and watching movies. I always wanted to be that place…where all of Colt’s friends came to hang out. *tears*
I’m never going to wake up in the morning and yawn and stretch and be thankful for my wonderful, comfortable life. I’ve never even gone on vacation. My car only has two working door handles (it’s a four door). I generally only get out of my overdraft twice a month. I have debt. I have nothing useful and now I AM nothing useful and what does that fucking leave me?
Nothing. It leaves me with nothing. I can’t even manage to stay awake long enough to do things that make me happy. All I do is sleep and dream and bite my tongue against the constant plain, and panic about being worthless and unemployable and fucked. The most terrible part though is that it’s not just me I’ll be screwing over.
D could meet someone who has a job, can still have kids…isn’t in chronic agony and menopause at 38. He could have fun weekends and spend time outside loving life with his family. He could have a house, several cars…a comfortable, easy life. But…he’ll never have that with me will he? I feel like I’m ruining their chances along with my own.
I hurt so much for so many reasons they get confused in my head.
What was the point of all this bullshit if I’m only going to end up shaking with pain in a morphine haze from my mid 40’s onward? What was the point of any of it? Maybe I should have died when my parents did. I can’t see any reason to be here, beyond causing hardship for everyone around me, especially those I love. 😦
Off to meet about something with a coworker. I will post this but please, don’t tell me how wrong I am and don’t tell me to remember all the good things. I’m not in the mood to fake it today. If that phone doesn’t ring soon I’m going to lose my mind.