Feeling better – 15 hours sleep

Well, I’m not so tired today as I fell asleep just after D got home.  He was in a super foul mood over something that happened at work but he didn’t want to stress me over it so he kept it to himself (muttering, swearing and slamming, but at least not directed at Colt or I).  Colt completely ignored it, which was unusual for him…he’s usually so sensitive to our ‘family mood’.  I guess he’s learning that people have different peaks and valleys and that a bad mood that has nothing to do with him, is fine….because it has nothing to do with him.  He did try to cheer his dad up but quickly dropped that plan when D indicated he needed a few minutes.  (That was some good progress for D too, gotta say).  So we didn’t talk much.  I asked him if I could help in any way, he said no, told me a little about it and went back to the kitchen.  I drifted off then but heard him on the phone with a colleague, sorting things out.  He sounded happier and much relieved.  He came and gave me a kiss when he was done and said things were fine now.  I mumbled congrats and that was me for the night.  I did wake up and took my meds at some point because the pain wouldn’t let up.

This is the most body wide pain I think I’ve experienced since all this crap started.  It just won’t let up.  D is trying to help keep my muscles loose but I can’t take the pain of him moving my shoulder muscles around.  A gentle massage doesn’t even register…it feels like he’s just laying his hands on me…like massaging a stone, I suppose.  When he gets deep enough I come away covered in bruises but feel a little relief.  Doesn’t last long.  I really don’t know how I’ll get through spring like this, if this is just the precursor.  It’s barely above freezing here and if I remember (unwillingly) I recall the wet 0-15 celsius weather is want had me bawling in the back room until my eyeballs nearly popped out of my damn head, so swollen and angry.  (That’s another weird thing that happens to me.  If I cry, even for five minutes, I end up with a terrible headache and my eyeballs swell in their sockets.  I’ve never bothered looking into it.)

I requested a meeting with HR yesterday by email after hearing that one of the positions I applied for, and was passed over for, was given to an external hire.  External.  There are dozens of us sitting on layoff notice and they hired someone from the outside.  She worked in a bank.  I totally understand that those physicians didn’t like me or my answers, more specifically, but wow.  What a slap in the face.  My other issue is that none of the people I’ve interviewed with were told I was on layoff notice.  I’m not sure if they thought their happy horseshit assurances that I would receive ‘favour’ due to being on layoff notice would convince me they were helping, but I’m going to find out.  They’re dropping the ball here and I’ll end up out the door.  So much for giving them ten years of my life.  I was proud to work here until recently…I put that in my email too.  Will see if she replies.  I’m actually (really) hoping those two docs hire me and I find out today or tomorrow so I can disconnect with HR entirely and just go on about my business, quietly working until I can’t do it anymore.  (Jesus that sounds dismal doesn’t it?)

More dreams of the woods and the girl last night.  I knocked this time, rather than sneaking in through the back and she came to the door, seemed happy to see me and let me in.  We hung out in the living room with her family (who hates me) for a while and then she suggested I go … somewhere.  Church?  Some kind of group that gathers all the time who I needed to win over before her family would accept me.  I’ve lost the memory of what it was, exactly.  I wasn’t dressed nicely so I asked if I could borrow something and she told me to go ahead…we were the exact same size so I’d have lots to choose from.  (Strange moment that.  I’m nowhere near as slim as she is but I didn’t mention it, just went to her room and started looking for something to wear).  She came in and pulled a blue/green summer dress from her closet, high-necked and very bright.  I didn’t like it but pulled it on anyway.  When I looked in the mirror it was sitting all wrong and, somehow, my breasts were hanging out either side…it had a strange, t-cut thing going on at the front…I thought I maybe had it on backwards but it was the same on both sides.  I walked out to show her how poorly it fit and she laughed at me then led me back to her room.

“Your boobs look like they belong to a fat guy…moobs!”  She laughed.

“What?”  I was mortified.  Did she really think I looked like I had a man’s chest?  I had always kind of liked that part of my body.

“It’s not the shape of them, it’s the dirt on them…like you just crawled out of a grave.”

I panicked in my dream right there as I looked down, again, to find that she was right.  I was covered in mud and there were dirty smears across my chest.

NO no no no no no no no…I was panicking inside.  She was seeing something that I hadn’t seen in me…she had started to figure me out…know that I was not what I appeared to be.  Her aloofness and her families distaste for me suddenly made much more sense.  I was walking around oblivious to the fact that I was covered in dirt, a mess, a terror, an interruption in their lives.  I wasn’t human like they were somehow and she seemed to be taking pity on me, spending time with me because no one else would.

My heart dropped to my feet and I let it sink in.  I wasn’t ever going to be one of them.  I never had been, as much as I had tried to pretend, they all knew from the start what I was.

The pain hit me in dreams then.  I doubled over, unable to breathe from the agony in my chest.  Tears were slipping out from under my scrunched up eyelids even though I was not actually crying and fell to the ground, still wearing that weird cut dress, now filthy with the muck I had smeared across it.  My legs and arms felt as if they were pulling away from my torso…I was being torn apart from the inside.  My shoulders dislocated with a sickening pop and my legs were pulled from my hip joints.  I felt them go…it made me want to throw up.  My rib cage started to separate and pull away from my chest, ribs snapping one by one.  I kept hoping they would just stab through my heart so it could all be over with.

She stood over me while I deconstructed and writhed in agony, cold eyes, curious but not troubled.  Very much her, if nothing else.  She cocked her pretty head to the side and half-smiled at me, then stepped directly over my body and left the room.  I heard her leave through the back door and I wanted to follow but I was nothing but a pile of bones and skin then, silently screaming on her bedroom floor.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Woke up covered in sweat (surprise!) and went to the dryer where I knew there were some clean towels.  I constructed a towel suit…of sorts…and went back to sleep for a few hours but that dream never left my head.  I woke several times in a panic, trying to brush the dirt from my skin so no one else would ever know what I was.

Aaaand on with the day, I suppose.  Fingers crossed I hear back from those docs today and they decide to try me out. I wrote a follow-up email thanking them for their time and told him how much I hoped they found me to be what they are looking for.  A little arse-kissing never hurt and I’ve already pegged the woman to be someone who is of the god complex sort.  She’s *just* finished her fellowship and is *just* starting to see patients on her own.  She wants to feel catered to and special..hell, she put the years in, so why not.  The other one is very reserved, German, and wants things just so.  I can deal with both types well….thankfully they’re not surgeons.  I don’t seem to get along with surgeons in the least.

Rambling now.  Off to work on whatever projects I find in my inbox today.  Oh joy.  (Mom?  Chris?  Uncle Ken?  Grandma and Grandpa?  Dad?  Paul?  any of you…if you’re up there watching down over us, please help me get this job.  I need a break so bad… I wish you were here.  Especially you, mom.)

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Feeling better – 15 hours sleep”

  1. rootstoblossom says :

    Wow. you do need a break, fingers crossed for you, don’t give up. How shitty of your company to hire externally like that, my ex-company was doing the exact same thing. I chalked it up to politics and knowing people, and my unwillingness to kiss butts or sell my soul. I noticed your tag ‘trying to survive’. I know it feels like that, but you are surviving. No try needed.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks…you’re right, I am managing to survive somehow. I am exhausted to the bone but, still managing. It’s amazing what we can do when we have to isn’t it?

      Much love. I’m reading you when you post…just not always commenting. *hugs*

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