The Battle Continues

Well here I am, back in this dreadful office.  My only saving grace is that they didn’t take it away from me and force me to work in the cubical farm in the main office.  That would have been even more dreadful, if that’s even possible.

I didn’t get to sleep until one in the morning last night because I forced myself to stay up to spend time with the boys.  Colt only wanted to play Minecraft and after hanging with me for 15 minutes he was asking me to get my head out of his way of the iPad.  lol  Ahh there’s my boy.  D came home and vanished for a couple of hours, doing some blueprint work in the back.  I sat alone for a while then lured him away from his work.  We chatted for a few minutes when we heard Colt still up in his room, talking away to something he was playing with, so D went up to get him to sleep.  Of course, he lay down with him and the two of them were out.  Around midnight I took my meds and D came down but he was asleep again within minutes…..so in the end, I spent hours trying to swallow the pain I was in and saw the two of them for a combined 20 minutes.  I guess that’s what happens when you pass out before dinner most nights…people find something else to do.  I don’t resent them for it, in fact, I’m glad they have their routines down, I just to plan my ‘visits’ a little better I suppose.

So yeah, was up late.  I’m in trouble already today and it’s only 9 am.  I’m drinking a large coffee (which is going to ruin my stomach in a few hours) so I can maybe get a boost of energy to pull me through.  I’m not expecting much, honestly.  Luckily I have a crap-filled office day so I don’t have to go anywhere or see anyone.  Will do for me, I guess.

More dreams about her last night.  D heard some of them and he woke me up a few times because I was either crying or yelling in my sleep (very usual) but more so, it was because he wanted to know who I was talking to.  He addressed me in that angry voice men use when they think they have caught you in a lie.

“So who is this woman?” *angry scowl at the floor.

“What?” I rubbed my eyes to make sure I was awake.  “What woman?”

“The one you’ve been dreaming of following and talking to.  You were just begging her to sleep with you…”

“Oooh D.  No no..not ‘sleep with’…I was dreaming about lying in her bed and wanting her to…”

“I don’t need details…” He interrupted.  I won’t deny, it kind of made me smile to hear him so possessive over a dream girl.  Girl at that!

I explained myself as best I could and he seemed satisfied enough because he went back to sleep and was his normal grumpy morning self with no extra animosity.

******

If you read most of my posts (thank you so much, if you do) you may remember an issue I was having with my bladder.  Out of the blue one day I found I was having trouble voiding, then I had trouble containing my bladder too.  Once I lost control both ways I went to see my doc (it only took a few days).  She thought it to be nerve damage, which is logical considering my symptoms and current condition.  She told me to hang in there and see if it gets better but she wanted to set me up with and ultrasound and a scope.  I realized this morning that it’s never happened…I dont’ even know if the referral was put through!  This crap makes me so mad.  I have to follow everything she says up on my own or it simply doesn’t get done.  Frustrating.  Anyway, this morning I stood up and wet my pants.  I was running to the bathroom as it happened and left an embarrassing trail through the kitchen but I couldn’t stop it.  I was full-out, voiding with zero control…not a little leak when I sneeze or cough, just pissing myself.  I was terrified, in truth.  Losing control of my body scares the living hell out of me and something like this???  What am I going to do in my new job (trying to stay positive on that interview, hoping like crazy they hire me)?  What will I do if I’m sitting there one day, surrounded by people, and I stand up and freaking pee my pants?  Do I seriously have to go back to wearing pads every day?  Are we up to diapers now?  There’s a decent fetish market for that but it’s never done much for me.  What will D think when he has to remove my diaper before we make love?  What if I pee all over the bed when we do?   This is bullshit.  I’m dealing with all of these exhausting things at once and now I get to worry every time I feel a bladder twinge.  I’m going to the bathroom twice an hour now (used to go all day without, easily) and I’m trying not to restrict fluids for fear of … well, it processing through my system before I can get to a bathroom.

Sorry for the subject matter…I used to hold my bladder forever and I was weirdly proud of that.  This loss is frightening though.  I already have very little sensory control down there thanks to nerve damage (?) Now, my bladder is my enemy too.  Not fair.  I genuinely feel like having a temper fit over this.

I sit and horrible, terrifying thoughts cycle in my head, my anxiety goes through the roof, the pain spikes, I feel down and exhausted.  I get rejected at work and then I start peeing my fucking pants in public.  Fucking FINE.  I’ll cope with this too but I swear, if there’s much more piled on this week I’m quitting everything.  I’m going to curl up in my bed, tell everyone to fuck right off and I’m sleeping until I stop waking up.  I know I’m not alone in my fantasy of inducing a coma.  A three-month sleep sounds just about right to me.

Okay, scary stuff over.  Time to demean myself some, I think I’ll file some electronic files for a while.  Ohh the fun eh?  (Ah well, if this is what they wish to pay me for, so be it).  My head hurts too much to think right now anyway.

Oh forgot to mention the muscle tension in my back.  D hurt his hands and bruised me several shades of blue trying to get my muscles to move, let alone relax, last night.  My head was about to send me over the edge (FYI I feel the same today already so every moment is one I’m counting down).  I won’t be able to have him do it again tonight (the bruising is bad and my skin is so sore) so I’m trying to figure out how to escape this noose.  Last night I had taken four muscle relaxers before my ‘massage’.  Maybe I need a bottle of wine.  That always loosens me up some.  (my liver just screamed nooooooooo!  So did my bladder).

What am I going to do?  Is my body just giving up?  Can that happen even when your mind is strong?  Damnit.

(Off to think of something less depressing to write about).

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

8 responses to “The Battle Continues”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Just posting to say that you are a trouper. And me, I’d tell D if he woke me, that I had no clue what I was saying in my sleep.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks friend. xx He knows I remember my dreams. lol..that sleep talking has got me into so much trouble in my life. A boyfriend broke up with me once because I kept dreaming about an ex of mine and talked about how much I loved and missed her all night in my dreams. lol. Ah well.

  2. paindepression says :

    Y have way too much to deal with. Definitely call and make sure you have the bladder tests done though. Hang in there friend!

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks you. *hugs* I mean to email you the other day but my head got lost in other things. Will follow up on that one soon. xo Hope you’re doing okay…thanks for being here.

  3. Mental Mama says :

    I can’t even imagine the crap you’re going through right now. *hugs*

    (and yes, got your email – I just need to find time to send a proper reply)

  4. Pete says :

    Less depressing is definitely required here: Ok we’re at a movie theatre, up the back row…popcorn, drinks (large with ice, mine Diet Coke, yours Pepsi) Everything is dark, picture it…take 3 deep breaths. Look to your side, I’m there “Hey kiddo did you forget the peppermints?” You pull them out of your purse, I laugh and wrap my warm scarf around both of us and you cuddle into me. You know you’re always safe with me and feel the twin love we have for each other and our poor old broken bodies.
    The movie starts, I look at you, you look at me and I know I’m ‘home’

    (((((hugs))))))

    Pete xo

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