Oh Goodness, Another Day.
So it’s…um..Tuesday? Yes…Tuesday. I don’t remember all of yesterday although I thought I’d slept enough on Sunday…I slept from 3 pm to midnight, then again from 1230 until 700 am but still woke up wishing I had a few more hours to sleep. It’s getting a bit ridiculous.
Yesterday I went home, ate a few carrot sticks D peeled and left in some water in the fridge (what a great idea that is. My mom used to do that and I had forgotten how handy it was). I got Colt a snack, as per norm, and sat down on my chair/bed/thing I barely leave when home, and turned the heat up. Of course, D came home shortly thereafter and I wasn’t getting up. He offered to make me a cup of tea, some plain rice for my stupid stomach but I could barely mumble my thanks and rejection of food clear enough for him to hear. I slept from…what? 430? until this morning, waking several (dozen) times to search for my towel (I need something to dry my face when I wake…the sweat puddles in my eye sockets when on my back and ears when on my side. Very much unpleasant way to wake, FYI). When I got up the whole damn thing was sopping wet. I peeled my clothes off and hopped into the shower (cool) which I sweated through and then carried on until I managed to pull on dry clothes that instantly stuck to my skin. I didn’t even manage make up but I brought it with me today as I have an interview in a few hours.
The pain. Wow…it’s something else these days. This is going to be a long spring for me, I think. I’ve been not looking back in my blog to last spring intentionally because I remember it being as bad as it is now…I just don’t want to see it in print for some reason. Makes me feel like I’m not getting anywhere. The only things that have changed are my coping skills, I guess. My hands, arms, legs and ankles are my biggest complainers today but I can’t leave out my back…my lumbar spine is just killing me since I washed my hair the other day, standing, rather than getting in the shower.
D tried to give me a massage the other day to get it to let go but there was no luck…I was sobbing into the blanket on the floor (quietly so he didn’t feel too guilty about putting me through that). Every time he touched my spine I would somehow jump straight off the ground although I was lying flat on my stomach…Hurt. Big big hurt. He managed to get a little blood moving through my upper back and neck and it made my headache worse but I could feel the blood moving through, at least. I kind of crawled back to my couch and didn’t move again, aside from flipping in circles while I slept and peeling off blankets and soaking wet everything. Wasn’t a great night.
This morning I woke with hives all over my face. Oh yeah, the fun never ends around here! The funny bit was that there’s a measles outbreak in the community right now and the interview I’m heading for is in the main campus. I feel like I should make a t-shirt or something: HIVES not Measles. Not to worry…I promise. haha…Oh wow, that reminds me of a time…
I was in my early 20’s and was dating my future ex husband when, once day completely out of the blue, I developed a giant hive on my back, right under my bra line. He pointed it out to me when it started oozing (I knew it was there, it itched like it was covered in ants who happened to be on fire.) I watched it, got some Benadryl and .. well, suffered. Slowly but surely they started to spread. Eventually, by the time the doctor was called, they were covering my back, my upper legs and my neck. (sigh) Oh yeah, right up the side of my chin. The great part about them was not only the ravenous itching they created, but the disgusting way they would blister and ooze, then scab over in a large, flat, very off-coloured scab. The itching never stopped. I was working in a mall at that time…haha..so people would come up, say hi then do a double take when they caught the scabby, gross, oozing sores on my neck and face.
“Leprosy…” I’d sadly sigh each and every time.
You should have seen some of them back away in a sprint.
I made an appointment to see my doc who sent me to a skin specialist whose wait list was 9 months long. By the time it rolled around the damn things were gone. They never came back, thankfully, but it was a rough time. The only good part was freaking people out. When I saw my doc I was all taking off my pants to show her all of the areas and she was holding up her hands…no no no…it’s good, I don’t need to see more of them. lolol…Ah, life.
Anyway. No lesions today, just hives.
** Interview update – that one went better than the last ones did. The docs seemed to like me, all nods and smiles, except for the German guy who sat with a deadpan face the entire time. Germans like me for some reason…German physicians anyway. They are eager to have someone come in and run their office for them…they don’t want to be bothered by questions daily; they just want someone to do the work required to see patients without having to orchestrate it all themselves. I jumped on that one, talked sincerely and honestly and did my damnedest to convince them I would be awesome at the job. I asked when they’d decide, she said by the end of the week so this time, I’m actually hopeful. It felt good, was received well and I didn’t say anything stupid. I wasn’t overheating like a pig (arrived an hour early so I could walk very slowly and try not to get a sweat going, success!) Now we wait. And hope. I would love nothing more than getting the eff out of here as soon as possible.
The other thing on my mind was the hours of dreams from last night. Cyclical, no new material really…just stuck in my head like crazy.
I am sleeping more than I am awake, hour for hour these days. Of course, the moment I fall asleep dreams pile in as my mind goes a million miles an hour trying to spin out all of the fears and worry I experience. I’m still in those woods. I was at both houses I’ve been to (out of four in the little alcove area just as you turn into the forest. One is that girls place, the other is a house I’ve been to with friends on several occasions). I was with her again last night for a good deal of time. She was at home with her family and I pulled into her driveway, pausing to make sure there were no acid projectiles like in my previous dreams…I didn’t want to kill the family by bringing them inside. I didn’t see any nor did I sense any danger so I relaxed and went around back to the back door where no one would see me enter. Once inside, I took off my shoes and crept along the hallway, past the laundry room and into the hallway where the bedrooms are, completely avoiding the kitchen/living room where everyone was sitting. I slid into her room without a sound and immediately crawled under her covers and hid there, trying not to breathe loud enough for them to hear in the other room.
I stayed there for a long time, ears pricking up like a dog every time I heard her voice. I hoped she would come to bed soon and be happy to find me there. She’s not an emotional girl…not someone who shows what she feels unless you know her well. Even then, she’s pretty reserved. There’s something about her though, that is intoxicating and I simply cannot stay away. Her mother *hates* me and chases me out of the house when she finds me there. It feels like she doesn’t want me to badly influence her daughter to me but I’m never sure as it’s never articulated. Just anger and distaste. The rest of the family barely sees me when I’m standing in front of them. She always sees me, always gently acknowledges my presence and pulls me into her somehow…It feels like some kind of romantic infatuation but it’s not really…just a need to be with her, in some way.
I moved to the other small house just down from hers later in the night. I was there in the front room with some people…some were my friends who follow me around in dreams, some were people I don’t know…I think Tom was there again but I’m not sure. They all greeted me and I felt welcome but not quite accepted, like I was someone’s kid who tagged along. No one cared that I was there but they also didn’t want me to leave necessarily; it was good enough for me.
I sat close to a few friends, feeling exposed and lost, and each time I did someone would shuffle closer to me, lay a gentle hand on my lap, patting softly to comfort me. Again, not in a sexual way but reminiscent of a family pet who was anxious, random, gentle touches to calm me in the room full of people.
One of the adult male figures from my group stood up and reached a hand out for me so I took it, letting him pull me up off the couch. I turned around and found that the room was full of couches (strange that I hadn’t noticed that before), most of which were occupied by someone. Few shared a couch, most wanting to sit on their own and wait for whatever it was we were waiting for. The guy didn’t let go of my hand and began to walk out of the room. I wasn’t sure I wanted to follow but his grip was relentless and I had no reason to fight. I followed him down the hallway and into a private bedroom.
Swimming though my head I started to put things together. I was drunk. I was drunk and had let some guy pull me into a dark bedroom in a house that wasn’t mine. I tried to pull back but he wouldn’t let me go and I gave up quickly, rationalizing that it was easier to go with it…let him have his way and get it over with, but he didn’t act in a way that said he was going to rape me. (I paused to think here and realized this was one of ‘mine’…they had never hurt me before). He led me to the bed and gestured for me to lie down, which I did, and then he sat facing the wall and closed his eyes while sitting up. I lay in the dark room and watched him for hours, unmoving. I had fallen in an awkward position and remained there, muscles burning from the angles I was forcing them into. I was afraid I would wake my friend, if I moved.
A sound at the door surprised me and I shifted my eyes to that side of the room without moving my head. A sliver of light flew into the room, expanding as the door opened, and I could see her legs…the socks she liked to wear…she had come looking for me. Or so I thought. I moved this time, no longer caring if my friend awoke and sat up, reached for her. She smiled that soft smile of hers and came to the side of my bed but didn’t respond to my open arms. She sat next to the guy, their thighs touching and she folded her hands into her lap and closed her eyes in sync with him and matched his breathing. I was so sad that she hadn’t come to cuddle with me under the blankets. I shifted over so I was close to them and lay on my side, my face towards the same wall they stared at. I put my legs against his back and wrapped my torso around form, sliding my fingers into her belt loops I latched on and shoved my face into the side of her leg. It was then, I found sleep and drifted away.
I once saw a dream therapist who thought I was dreaming of past lives. Her partner who sometimes sat in on sessions (he was a psychic, they said and would pick up on nuances that I was missing). She was convinced at first that these were all past lives trying to find completion but her husband thought I was living out my deceased, young mother’s life and experiences in dreams. I didn’t really believe either version but it was interesting to think about. I had to stop seeing her when she started asking me to ‘journey into the dreams with her’ and she’d ask questions about what I saw or how it felt. It was weird and felt like play acting.
“How do you feel right now? Standing in your dreams with me” she’d lead.
“Ummm, stupid? This is silly…I’m not dreaming, I’m just pretending we’re in my dream.” I Just couldn’t do it.
Of course, my therapist loved the idea of exploring my dreams, in fact, she wanted to do EMDR on them which scared the bejesus out of me. I worry far too much about validating them, making sure I don’t obsess over them, because it’s really easy to do. It’s like a reality I can escape into but I don’t have control of the outcomes…ha. Just like life, I suppose.
Wow…that just sucked a ton of energy out of me, writing that. (Well, and the interview, I think). I’m really tired, spaced out a bit. My body hurts in weird place and strange ways. Nerves kind of go everywhere in your body, I’ve discovered.
Alright. Enough for today. Three hours to go and I can get back to sleep and maybe dream up some sort of conclusion to last night. (Sheesh, so stressful. I kinda miss the days where I wandered around the house in a daze for hours on end doing laundry and randomly showering).