“There’s no such word as *can’t*”
I’d like to call bullshit on my post title, just sayin. I don’t know why that’s stuck in my head other than the fact that I can’t seem to do anything useful today. I’ve been at the office for over two hours now and I’m sitting here, struggling to focus my eyes. I feel like I’m so pulled back, so deeply sunk into my own head and world, that I can’t find the way out.
I have no desire to help anyone here at work, of course. Circumstances can’t be much more awkward than they are here. I spent the entire day yesterday in the office and only one person spoke to me as they passed by which was only because she had to come in to pick up her print job. Feeling useless, unneeded, unwanted and …worthless. I guess. I’m really having a hard time with this layoff deal this week. The interview set me off yesterday…if I can’t even get a shitty job here…what will I do?
Ehh. More useless, pointless worrying I suppose. No need to make things worse than they already are. I just can’t seem to help it. (There’s that word again).
I’d like to turn it into a ‘can do’ deal but where am I to find the strength? I mean, it’s not exactly been a walk in the park, these last five years of my life, so I’ve been trying to find positive things to cling to the entire time…people get exhausted eventually. Maybe that’s all I have left in me.
Pete, my wonderful twin from across the ocean (he has almost exactly the same chronic pain/depression issues I have) left me a very caring and insightful comment that I’ve yet to answer. (Sorry Pete – not functioning well over here right now). He suggested that my health issues might be dogging me throughout the hospital. It’s a good possibility as people always talk, no matter how confidential the info might be. This doc I interviewed with is going to follow-up on his own, which I guess is pretty smart. The last ex boss though…he didn’t like me much and I highly doubt he’ll say anything nice. It’s not a ‘professional’ reference this one is seeking…it’s a colleague to colleague honest Q and A. I don’t know. I don’t want to get my hopes up. Two months, two interviews, no luck.
I’ve been applying at the school too but they are ignoring me entirely. Likely more to do with inside hiring rather than a personal issue, as I don’t even know those people. The other hospitals in the area are laying off staff too so there’s plenty of people looking. They will also hire inside over outside. My workplace has the most available as we’re the largest, but…we all know how that’s been going.
Where do I find the positive here? Some of you are *very* good at it and I envy your skills in managing to not get sucked into the void of negative thoughts. I’m trying to do the same but every time I get back on my feet, I show up to work and find all my security access revoked…I mean, I can’t even get onto the website anymore. How stupid and insulting. My close colleagues removed my proxy on their calendars…like I was going to sabotage someone’s meetings? I didn’t even have write access on them. Makes me feel…oh god…failure? Like, failure beyond epic proportions.
Now, that’s all the CPTSD talking, I can see it clearly. The not being wanted equaling abandonment in my head, the failure, the failure, the failure. I fucked up, wasn’t good enough and now they’re taking everything away from me. Still, I desperately apply and grovel for jobs that will not even pay me enough to maintain my crappy lifestyle. Ha! I fucking hate this so much!! Anyway, PTSD aside…
I am in such pain. Apparently, stress does cause flare ups for me. The above freezing weather is just making it all harder. My joints are just not working right. They feel weak and give out at unexpected times. The drop foot is trying to kill me, I’m quite sure. I hurt myself every day because of that bullshit. Today, I was stepping into the shower and my foot didn’t clear the edge of the tub so I grated my foot across the metal tracks for the sliding glass door. Blood and everything. Makes walking even more fun! I have purple black toes on my right foot, a very weak and painful ankle, along with a scab covered left foot thanks to this morning’s adventure. They are little things, I know, but they really bother me.
Take my nose, for example. There’s nothing wrong with my nose that I know of and it’s not a place that I carry pain, usually. My face hurts a lot but never specifically my nose. For some reason, the last three years have seen changes on the inside. I will, with no forewarning, blow my nose one day and expel a clot of blood…scab really. Once it’s off I’m doomed to repeat the cycle for endless amounts of time. The entire inside of my nostril is raw and bloody with thick, rock hard scabbing coating the traumatized skin. If I move the scabs it all gets worse. It travels from one side to the other often which made me once think it was bacterial, however, it is said to simply be dryness from my medications. I’m not sure why dryness would cause the entire surface of my nostril to bleed and scab over for months at a time but it’s the answer I was given. It drives me nuts though.
The sweating is another issue. It’s not that big a deal, I know, but to not be able to sleep, ever, without waking to clammy, soaked skin multiple times is tiring. I can’t snuggle with D ever because the moment his body heat gets near mine I just POUR sweat from my skin. He won’t kiss me goodbye anymore either…used to plant a kiss on my forehead before he left when he was off earlier than me. Now, my forehead is a soggy mess of wet, stuck hair and dripping sweat. I most certainly do not blame him for hesitating. He tells me he doesn’t mind but really? How could that be okay?
I’ve only gone to bed a few times since winter started because I don’t want to destroy my mattress. 😦 I have pads that are supposed to be for incontinence but I use them to suck up sweat. Still, it gets into the mattress. It’s easier to sleep on shitty couches covered in sleeping bags anyway. Can just toss them if they get too….smelly. (God if you knew what a germaphobe I actually am you’d be so surprised to read those words…).
So yeah. I’ve lost my health, I’m submerged in this world of constant pain and discomfort and always just barely getting by. I’ve lost my job, my security and my access to the medications that make this barely existing existence nearly tolerable, physically. I’ve lost my figure, my confidence and my youth. I’ve lost my ability to choose…I have to do what my body dictates at all times or it just shuts down on me. I’ve even lost the things I didn’t really want but took a small degree of comfort in like family.
We have no money, no savings, no retirement, no money away for Colt. We have no house, no assets…we’re not getting any younger and I’m only getting worse, health wise, day by day. It’s starting to feel like this is going to be my entire life until I can no longer participate. It’s like all my chances are gone and I’m stuck with this.
So what do I have that’s good? I have Colt, a disabled child who I am failing miserably at the moment. I’ve not even signed his IEP and sent it back to the school. I’ve been almost completely uninvolved this year…the staff is much better so he’s doing much better which makes things easier but still….I’ve let this year unfold as it will and won’t find out the consequences until later. I have D who is being endlessly caring and kind to me, however, I’m becoming less convinced that this is what he’s willing to do for the long haul. If I can’t work…can’t find work and can’t hack it once I find it…. I don’t know. I mentioned working part-time and seeing if I could get some disability coverage a week back and he hit the roof. I told him how much I felt like I was failing all of us…making it so we’ll never get ahead, which is what we’ve been trying and sacrificing to do for the last decade. Still. He knows me too well. If I sit at home my mind will eat me alive. What would the point be? But then, what the hell am I going to do on the flip side? Sit here and wait death out like I’m doing now? I just slept for 12 hours and it’s not even noon yet but I’m dying to get home to sleep again. My everything hurts…even my damn elbows and typing is making it worse.
D tells me that once I get out of this atmosphere here I’ll feel better. I can’t seem to get out though, no matter how I try. *Closes eyes* Just…could someone please just tell me what to do? What do I need to do? Love myself more? Exercise and push my body until it drops? Should I just wake up and pretend the world is wonderful and force a fake smile to hide the pain beneath? (That doesn’t sound so great, in truth, but is it how humans get by? I really don’t know).
So, please, if any of you have ideas on how to pull myself together, let me know? Write me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you don’t want to post publicly on my blog. I promise I won’t tell you that your idea won’t work or is silly…I am to the point that anything will do. I just need to hold it together and get out of here without dropping like a stone and giving up.
Thanks for reading my misery, friends. I know it’s not fun.