What is wrong with me? :(
Okay so I had my interview this morning. I used to love interviews…thought I still did somehow. I speak easily and openly with people and the fact that they were interviewing me wasn’t a bother at all, in fact, I like showing off a little and talking about my skill set.
That first interview wasn’t great…I felt them go before it was obvious in tone. I knew I wasn’t winning anyone over in that one. I wasn’t sure why but chalked it up to the fact that they were surgeons and surgeons tend to be of a particular personality type…one I’m not usually compatible with. This last one wasn’t a surgeon though, and in fact, specializes in neurology, a field I’ve worked in before. He only asked me a few questions (maybe he’s a to the point kinda guy) but he asked the right ones…seemed that I answered them okay as he smiled and went on after each answer. He ended by telling me that he had others to interview and he’d let me know in a couple of weeks. Made sense…all good…but then I offered to send him a list of references and he refused them. He said there were a few people I’ve worked with in the past (as per my résumé) who he wishes to speak with. If they say I’m good, he’s satisfied. He mentioned one from the past who adored me, which was a good thing…but then he brought up my last boss who pretty much avoided me for the last few months of his term. That won’t go well, I assume. So yeah. Turned down (probably) for another job that I’m taking a serious pay cut to even consider.
People used to like me. I could work a room like nobody’s business and it didn’t matter how many times I tripped and fell, I could always get back up again with grace. Everyone liked me. I made damn sure of it in my earlier years. Eventually I figured out that everyone liked me because I was a chameleon and changed shape to suit those around me in a way that would ensure they felt I was securely on their side. Now that I’ve decided to be myself and not parade around with a suitcase filled with different masks to fit any situation that might arise, I’m finding that people don’t like me. I mean, “like” is not a great word to use because it means something personal at times and that is not what I mean. I don’t expect to have perfectly clicking, deep friendships with everyone, nor do I expect everyone to adore my personality or sense of humor … but there’s this feeling I’m getting from interviews so far, of passive hostility and absolute dismissal without a word. It’s like they scanned me, categorized me as “x” and then made it clear that they are not very fond of “x” people. S0 strange.
Even as a little kid I could make people like me. I was always the ‘quiet, well behaved’ one. I was never any trouble, didn’t eat too much, barely spoke and was only too happy to go along with someone else’s plans for fear of speaking my own desires or needs. I did my very best to be as invisible as I possibly could …which I guess most people liked? No one complained anyway.
I went along with life until the ptsd knocked the wind out of my sails and I found myself unable to wear an effective mask in triggering situations. I was suddenly moody and in tears all the time; depressed and lost in the darkness of it all. Clearly, that is not what most people wish to accompany in life so I lost a lot of people through that. Afterwards, I carried on trying to re-wear the old masks but something had changed and I was no longer as captivating to people, no longer wanted or sought after. It was like they just didn’t fit anymore.
Through all of this, I was aware that I could not live up to whatever it was I was putting out there. It caused a great deal of fear in me, knowing that the cracks in my personality were showing and it was only a matter of time before people figured it out. It was because of this fear that I lost everyone and losing everyone was what drove me to examine myself and my methods closely and decided, in the end, that I was going to be true to myself from now on. I didn’t want to ‘trick’ people into believing in me anymore. I just wanted to be *me*. I wanted to not care how well I complimented the person I was standing beside…I wanted to care about what I wanted and I thought, foolishly, that doing so would draw people to me who understood, or even might draw people who actually liked me for exactly who I am. Sadly, the few times I’ve attempted this in the last little while have ended in failure. There’s something about me that turns people off….they just don’t want to be close to me anymore. It’s a funny little dismissal…like they realized I’m not really a person, and therefore, require no emotional interaction. Or like I’ve become something they are better than? Maybe something they can destroy with ease? I don’t know, exactly, but it is not a nice feeling and whatever it brings out in people feels and tastes like dismissal and absolute disinterest.
So. Now I’m feeling low again. I just cannot seem to catch enough of a break to get my feed under me again before more negative feelings come crashing in. I didnt’ sleep for 15 hours last night so the heat and quiet of this office are lulling me to sleep again. Right now my eyes are splitting the words on my screen in two and I can barely keep the lids from dropping closed. I’m just on the very edges of waking dreams…little thoughts and moments captured; the first tendrils of dreams coming for me. I’ve not felt the click though…not yet, but it’s most definitely coming.
I’m in a lot of pain today too. Head, neck, shoulders, wrists, fingers, arms, collar bone, rib cage, shoulder blades, sciatic nerves, ankles and bruised toes on my right foot. oh and I have my ever-present head ache. It’s warm out today (just above freezing) and sunny which is making my nerves all twangy. Cold is hard on the bones, good one the nerves, warm is good on the bones, hard on the nerves… I can’t seem to win. I took my stomach meds this morning like a good girl but the stress from the interview overrode it, apparently. My tummy is just full of acid and burning pain.
Ohh haha…and, I got a final total on my meds!! I filled four of the five today leaving one of the pricier ones for next trip. The total for my meds without my 90% coverage? Just over $700 a month. That’s if I don’t take much ativan and I use the generic form of most meds. Oh hell, forgot the birth control ($30 per month) and the stomach meds ($100 per month) Soooo $830.00 a month. What the hell? I’m not a cancer patient who requires complex medications to beat the disease; I’m not a transplant patient who requires anti-rejection drugs that cost a small fortune each month either. These are muscle relaxers, antidepressants, and anxiety meds.
*Whoops just drifted off there for a sec. Eff…this is going to be a long day. 12:17 pm and counting. :S