The good and the bad and the pain and the love

*I’m trying, hard, not to complain.  I don’t want this to be another long whining post about pain…but dear me, I am suffering today.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad until I got home and sat down on my comfy chair, heating blanket on high.  The warmth penetrated my skin and hit my bones…usually, that creates a tiny sliver of relief however, last night?  Agony.

You see, this drop foot is still going (from my fall down the stairs earlier this week?  Last week?  Time is kind of all swirling together on me today) and it’s getting worse.  Just in case you missed that post and you don’t know what a drop foot is:  FOOT DROP – Wikipedia .  I was rushing around yesterday morning, as D had to leave early for work and I was left to get both Colt and I ready (D is the functional one in the AM so he usually gets Colt ready to go while I drag my arse around trying to get dressed).  I got his breakfast made, my shower in, my clothes half on, his clothes ready and then I realized I had forgotten underwear for him and turned to rush back upstairs to grab a pair.  Directly in front of me was a plastic desk chair with metal legs and although I saw it, my foot/leg didn’t quite respond as I had asked it to and instead of weaving around the metal leg, my foot smashed directly into it.  The metal is round so it went between my 3rd and 4th toe and I was right convinced I had broken them all when the pain it.  I actually cried like a five-year old with a scraped knee it hurt so much.

I went on with life and, forgetting I have a super high tolerance for pain AND take a fair amount of narcotic pain killers daily, I didn’t even check to see if there was swelling.  Last night, I got home and was sore…achey.  My bones hurt but the weather is warming slightly and that always triggers pain.   I lazed around a while then decided to get my PJ’s on and read curled up in my chair for a bit.  I got my shirt off fine but when I tried to take my pants off my leg just screamed in pain.  My sciatic nerve felt like someone had strummed it with their fingers and the pain bounced from my butt to my foot.  My hip also groaned in protest and my toes fired up, curling forward with pain, causing delightful foot and calf cramps.  Once I got that under control I figured I’d better check on my foot.  It was hard to do.  My left leg is still sore from the fall down the stairs and this was my right.  I pulled my sock off and froze.  My toes were various shades of red, black, blue and purple and two of them were about three times their normal size.  D saw it from across the room and nearly demanded I go get an x-ray immediately, but, I’ve broken toes before this way and we both know they can’t do anything about it.  I said I’d stop and get some tape on my way home tonight and would go in on the weekend if it got worse or didn’t change.

So.  My right foot is not happy with me.  Black and blue toes, messed up ankle, random calf cramps and a burning, stinging pain all along my sciatic nerve.  My hip got a jolt so that’s aching too.  My left leg is still recovering from the slam down the stairs and my left ankle is so painful today I can’t really move it.  I do have joint pain, in all of my joints, quite often.  No one has ever bothered to figure that bit out for me and I dropped it long ago realizing I had to slim down my symptom list if I wanted to get a doc to listen to me.  My shoulders are locked up tight as is my neck and there’s limited blood flow to my brain which is causing near-crippling headaches.  Just to get to work today I took six Advil migraine, two targin (narcotic), two muscle relaxers and two Tylenol, just for kicks.  My neck feels like a bag of broken marbles, shards of glass all mixed up between.  I don’t want to move.  I don’t want to breathe.  Standing is really hard but sitting hurts more (Sciatica.  I fucking hate those nerves, let me tell you).  But, here I am at the office.  At least it’s friday eh?

Colt is a happy boy.  He’s having a PA day today and March Break is next week for our little ones.  He woke singing and danced down the stairs.

“GOOD MORNING MY DARLING MOTHER!”  He sang out as he passed me on the way to the bathroom.

He was very sweet about it though.  As he was munching his breakfast I was applying a bit of make up to make myself look like I’m alive, he looked at me with concern.

“Mom?  You don’t get PA days do you?”

“Nope.  Mom gets stuck working all the time!” I pouted.

He got up and came to me, draped his arms around my shoulders from behind and nuzzled into my shoulder.

“Oh mom.  I can call your boss and ask for you if you like?”

“Ahh thank you sweetheart, but PA days are just for kids.  I had plenty when I was little.”

I felt him smile against me, he thinks it’s hilarious that D and I used to be kids.

“Well then, you will just have to keep remembering that it’s Friday, and I love you.”  He offered.

It made me ridiculously happy.  He’s such a sweet, thoughtful little guy.  Ooh! Brings to mind another moment from last night.

D and I were talking in the kitchen about jobs and such.  He wants me to try to stay in the hospital and I was just about to take an interview for an outside company.  We argued a touch…I mentioned disability and he went bananas.  He will not allow me to think about that…he sees it as giving up.  I see it as a possible way to survive a few extra years without being crippled by pain and stress.  I just got up and walked away.  He followed a few minutes later apologizing.  I explained my point, he nodded sympathetically.  I also told him how much of a failure I feel like.  I told him I was feeling a lot of pressure to work myself to death, literally, just so I can half support us.  I reminded him of when he told me he “wasn’t going to live with someone on disability.  He hadn’t signed up for that life…yada yada yada.”   His eyes teared over and he said sorry.  Mine started to drip too and I told him I loved him.  Colt was in the room playing with some trains and turned to look at me.

“Why are you sad mom?”  He asked so calmly.  He usually gets very wound up when someone he cares for is upset around him.

“I just feel really bad baby.  I feel sad because I have to sleep all the time and I miss you a lot.”  I managed.

Colt came over and sat on my couch and wrapped his arms around me.

“Oh mom, it’s okay!  Sometimes you’re really sore and you have to sleep to rest your bones.”  Then he whispered in my ear: “You know we care about you right?  Not the money…just you.”

*mind blows up*  Well then.  Sometimes it’s so surprising, what info he has captured and understood.  I don’t hide things from him ever (we discuss adult and relationship issues away from him, of course, but I never hide my pain.  I can’t lie to him..won’t.  He sees too much).  He was very mature about it all, calm, collected, and just wanted to help me stop crying.  I forced a stop immediately for him and he went back to playing with his trains, mission completed.

How lucky am I to have this little soul in my life?  Both of them really.

So.  Pain aside, today is a wonderful day, not a miserable one.  D’s enjoying his new job, Colt is happily playing with his friends at his sitters house (I love her so. She made me muffins.  mmmm) and its friday.  Could be so much worse.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “The good and the bad and the pain and the love”

  1. paindepression says :

    You did it…. You found the positives and brought yourself to a happier place. Hang in there! I know it is very difficult….. Always know that your are in my thoughts and prayers, each and every day!

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you! I’m learning how to do this through you, I hope you realize. I want to be better…in control…I want to succeed and make my life a happy place to me. More than that, I want Colt’s world to be a lovely one, not a stressful one with a miserable mommy.

      Much love. xx

  2. Mental Mama says :

    We should always strive to seek out the sunny side of any situation, no matter how dark and grim. 🙂

  3. KittyHere says :

    Kids get it right: it is about YOU not the money.

  4. awomaninpain says :

    Out of the mouths of babes huh! They always find something to brighten your day with words or actions and they amaze me on how much they take in.
    Have you been checked for spondylitis? A friend of mine has ankylosing spondylitis and her symptoms sound a lot like yours (just a thought) and much sympathy for your poor toes too 😦 xoxo

  5. Pete says :

    You’re a beautiful soul Grainne, one day we’ll meet, share meds and alcohol, sit up the back of the movies, laugh and act like teenagers!

    Always here ❤

    Pete xo

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