Stressing

I’ve submitted applications everywhere..even places that I can’t really afford to take.  I mean, there’s a HUGE difference in what people are paying inside and outside of the hospital.  Today, I nearly applied for one that was more than half my current wage.  I actually think I could make more money working in a coffee shop.  How demeaning.  My education was bloody expensive…

Anyway.

I’m kind of panicking here.  I just went through and made notes in my phone calendar of what jobs I’ve applied for and when.  I have 15 out in various places that might be accepted…the rest I’m not counting as I didn’t have all of the qualifications required.  Here, they say to ‘go ahead and apply’ and then note that the requirements are firm.  :S  Well…what’s the point then?  An HR recruiter will read it, put it in a ‘no’ pile and that’s that.

So.  Of the 15, there are only 2 that are comparable to my wage although most have benefits for medication which is having to take the place of money right now.  I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this stuff.  I still don’t know what we’re going to do…but the pressure is on.  I do still have three months but I’m terrified that they will fly by like this one did and Ill end up with nothing.  I mean, I’ve only been called for one interview and I had to set it up myself with the physician.

I have three projects to work on here but I can’t focus.  All I can hear is my coworkers talking about my work…which is now not my work and it’s so hard to hear.  Everyone seems to have moved on…they don’t really care about me or what’s going on but it’s no huge surprise..they never did.  Obviously right on up to the director.

There are three people here who started after me.  Two of them were found ‘jobs’ when their role became unnecessary but not me.  There was a part-time gal here for ages who was paid a very high salary to sit around and do dick-all while she wrote her thesis.  She stayed on until she got a full-time teaching job…we had a little going away party for her.  I knew this was coming though, in retrospect.  My role changed and I wasn’t given any tasks to pick up.  I asked multiple times, also asked for help multiple times…and, here I am.  Why am I so worthless to these people?

I worked while so sick I could barely function.  I know that’s no gift to them but I did a good job and didn’t take advantage of the things I could have…should have, I guess.  I should have gone on leave while I was able.  Would have been better than this.

This place is depressing. It’s hot, no one even bothers to say hello to me anymore and I just sit here, job hunting and picking at their crap office work as I wait for the day to pass, checking the job boards three million times a day.  One came up today I was hopeful for and I think I applied within 2 minutes of it posting.  Desperate?  Oh yeah.

This sucks.  Every moment of it.  😦  I feel so unappreciated and worthless.  It’s really really hard to stay positive in a place like this.  I wish…I don’t know.  I just wish it was over.  The last one I applied for is only temp for a year but at least I can apply for other things there.  Not ideal, but will do.  Fingers crossed … or whatever.  😦

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Stressing”

  1. KittyHere says :

    You are doing all that you can. Be proud of yourself for that. None of us know the future. Would that we could, or mabe that would be worse.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Kitty. Yeah, I suspect that if we knew what was coming it would be so much worse. I don’t need extra time to anticipate a disaster! haha. xx

  2. Pete says :

    Wishing you love and luck twin, you have to send that ‘letter’ to complete a circle. Only we ever need to know about it )

    Pete xo

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