Wow was yesterday ever crappy!  By my 2:00 crash point I was a mess..couldn’t stay awake.  I know that many people will think “So she was tired…I’m tired every day too” and I know it’s true, but this isn’t a regular kind of tired.  I was sitting in my (hot, silent) office being lulled to sleep by the sun shining in my window and I was literally shutting down.  I’ve talked about this before, this switch.

There’s a little click in my head…much like the feeling of slipping out of my skin when I am starting to dissociate (which hasn’t happened in a long time!) but it’s more of a physical thing, rather than…emotional?  Internal?  Not sure how to describe the difference but it’s a clear one to me.  You know when you’re lying in bed, just about to drift off, images and thoughts come to you that don’t necessarily make sense but they are soothing somehow?  It’s like almost dreaming, but you’re aware of your physical surroundings.  Maybe this happens to me because of the sleep disorder… anyway.  I was sitting in my office trying to do some very simple work (converting files for upload to an online database) and I kept drifting away, eyes closing against my will, clicks and shifts happening all over the place.  I might have fallen asleep a few times (hopefully not for too long) and I was having such a hard time concentrating.  I checked my work after each folder was uploaded only to find many errors.  I slowed down and tried over and over.  In the end I just gave up and left it for today.  I had to title each file with a tracking number that was to be the same for each folder and when I looked back, I couldn’t even track that!  10021; 10001; 10021; 10022; 10111; …it was like I was just making them up as I went along.  I kept dozing and forgetting where I was so I duplicated a bunch of stuff.  Wow…what a mess I was.  Everything I looked at split into double vision after that point.

I felt nauseous for most of the afternoon as well.  I think it was the rice cakes I force-fed myself thinking some carbs would help with the energy level.  Anyway…it was a bad afternoon.  I texted D at around 3 to see if I could go home and sleep (he would need to pick Colt up) but he didn’t reply until after 4 when I was on my way home anyway.  I got home, laid down on the couch and I was out until this morning.

At some point, Colt came to see me and curled himself in beside me for a hug.  I woke to him playing with my hair and snuggled right into me…so rare for my boy.  I was so glad I woke up to enjoy that.  He whispered that he loved me (and called me “mommy” which just broke my heart.  He skipped that phase all together when he was little).  I squished him with hugs and then he got up and asked his dad, who was keeping an eye on us from his computer desk, if they could play upstairs so they didn’t disturb me and my sleep.  Another sweet thought.  He is one of the most compassionate people I know…so thankful for that…and for him.

**God my coworkers have arrived.  They’re having a talk in the hallway about all their new furniture.  The one got a custom made table last week and she’s concerned because it looks like someone rubbed something up against the corner and the shine is not as perfect as it is on the other corners.  This woman is ridiculous with her expectations.  She leased a new car last year and someone grazed her in a parking lot one day leaving a small scratch on her bumper.  She cried for days as she retold the story over and over….I played upset for her to make her feel better but that’s the sort she is.  This table thing is a big stress for her.

“I just don’t need this right now!” she cried, almost in tears.  Her life is stressful you see.  She’s picked up a lot of my old job and her hubs is on a week of nights so she’s just totally overwhelmed by stress.  :S  Yeah.  Tough one there sweet cheeks.  Too bad your new furniture and two planned week-long vacations aren’t enough to look forward to.  She’s worried her neck will start hurting again (she gets a stiff neck at times).  Panicking over it.  Fuck, you know….  If she and I could trade places for one day she’s shut her materialistic mouth and be fucking thankful for what she has.  Custom, beautiful home, brand new appliances, furniture, vehicle…three vacations a year and a stiff fucking neck?  I don’t mean to be so jealous but it’s hard to listen to her complain so much.  Especially right now.

Ahhh life.

No interviews yet from my résumé spamming.  I haven’t been called for any of the jobs at the university or the other hospital.  I’ve applied at the hospitals up to an hour drive away..nothing there either.  I’ve put my résumé all over the internet and have been applying for jobs outside of this place.  I can’t bring myself to apply for the ones that offer half of what I’m currently making.  There has to be something better than that.  (Hangs head in shame).  I feel like I should take anything but I’ve worked fucking hard to get where I am.  To knock 20K off my income (which is the best I think I’ll find right now) is going to hurt but I’m not going to take half.  It’s not a lifestyle choice either…we have nothing.  Two shitty cars (his barely runs but he has a company vehicle now so it doesn’t matter as much), renting a shitty cottage with no hope of buying anything anytime soon, no retirement savings, no regular savings, no money put aside for Colt, no investments, no assets…no nothing.  It’s not material things that I’m trying to hang onto. The only thing I have is my phone and the internet.  I guess I could give those up but I’ll just sleep all the time…my head, when left on its own, takes me to very bad places.  Instantly.  Sometimes a weekend is too long if I’m not occupied.  Every time I take a week off, I get depressed and the anxiety comes back…Christmas was the last flare up when I was off for just over a week.  (That’s not going to go well, me unemployed, so I’m determined to find something.  Anything.)

I sent an email to my ex-bosses secretary (who got a bonus for taking on some parts of my recently eliminated role) asking her to keep an eye out for anything that might come up in her department.  She feels dreadfully guilty over this, knowing my job is being eliminated when she is getting more money.  I figure I might as well use it to my advantage if I can.  Then again, she works for a surgeon and I don’t think I ever want to work with one again. Plus, working for a doctor leaves me with no benefits (they privately hire their secretarial staff) which is totally counterintuitive.  She knows this too…just doesn’t care.  Who would though?  It’s only affecting me in the end.

What to do.  I guess I’ll just get through today and see what tomorrow brings.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Shutdown”

  1. paindepression says :

    I know exactly what you mean when you say you cannot stay awake and your body just shuts off. Hang in here and know I am with you in spirit…

  2. Pete says :

    Oh man we just are so similar it astounds me!!! The tired business I cop as well “Everybody’s tired, I’m tired…yeah, yeah I know but not so tired that everything turns to a painful hurting jelly and your mind goes on you! Then you’d REALLY know tired you dickhead!

    And this quote of yours just hit my heart like a spear because I cop it all the time too

    ” Panicking over it. Fuck, you know…. If she and I could trade places for one day she’s shut her materialistic mouth and be fucking thankful for what she has. Custom, beautiful home, brand new appliances, furniture, vehicle…three vacations a year and a stiff fucking neck? I don’t mean to be so jealous but it’s hard to listen to her complain so much. Especially right now.”

    Grainne, my gorgeous sweetheart twin <3. In NO WAY are you mean or jealous but listening to other people harp on about such trivial shit really fucks me off too…SO MUCH. I really wish these materialistic twots would realise their 'problems' are fuck all and that they are so damn lucky not to be like us just doing our level best to get through the day in a fog of fatigue and pain!! Yes TRADE PLACES and see how I have it you prick and then know how TRULY lucky you are….jeez that shits me too Grainne

    Anyway on a nicer note Dan by letting you sleep is acknowaging your pain and fatigue and Colt? Wow that was some gorgeous moment there kiddo 🙂

    Love you lots,

    Pete xoxo

    • Grainne says :

      Oh Pete ❤ Thank you for understanding every word that comes from my mouth. You're quite an amazing support, considering the crap you have to deal with day by day as well!

      You are amazing. xx Thank you love.

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