People never fail to confuse…
Before I get into this, I want to say upfront that I totally understand why this happened and I’m not taking it personally. I’m just really finding the reaction curious and I’m trying to work it all out in my head.
I follow quite a few blogs here and always try to keep up, check in with those who care for me (and I for them!). Some of them I don’t often comment on, not having anything of value to add, but there are a few times that I kind of overdo it due to a massive swell of empathy (note, not sympathy) for a particular blogger I’ve come across. This was one of those times.
I found her blog about six weeks ago and her writing was so sad, so lost and hurting; everything she wrote was about giving up on life and ending it all. I saw the post one day and reached out to her with a short comment of support. The next day I saw another post, nearly duplicate in form and content, and from there I didn’t always comment, but “liked” most of what she posts, offering suggestions where I felt I could. Now, she never once responded to me and seemed not to respond to any of her comments, but I know quite a few bloggers who don’t and I thought nothing strange of it at all.
Somewhere in her postings she linked a previous blog that held more of her story. Yesterday, while wasting my lunch hour at work I took a browse through. I didn’t read every post, didn’t “like” any of them either as she had never offered any communication back. This old blog had been taken down because someone in her family found it and continued sending the police to her flat, afraid she was about to end it all. She did reference wanting to die in every single post, in fact, most ended cryptically with a suggestion that she might not ever be back if she was able to die this final time.
That’s enough of her story for here. She seems a private person who really just wanted to write her thoughts out but not communicate with others which I should respect. Here’s the thing though, yesterday, after she granted me access to the private blog posts by request (her old blog) and I left one, non-threatening comment saying thanks. I understood a bit more of why she was so unhappy and felt I understood where she was coming from. This morning as I checked in with the blogs I follow, I noticed that her second and most current blog wasn’t coming up. Several posts from other bloggers I knew to be posted on the same day were popping up in my feed but she wasn’t. Worried, I searched her blog name only to find a “the author has deleted this site” message.
Well crap. Since the beginning of my blogging adventure this has happened to me several times, of course. People I’d grown to care about on some level would just up and leave. There was a bpd blog I followed for years and really loved keeping up with whose owner deleted and left one day and me and several hundred others were just left swaying in the breeze. That one kinda hurt because I really cared about the outcome of her trials. I’ve also had people who I grew close to suddenly decide they can’t read my blog any longer and fall out of my life. That’s the internet for you though. No surprises there.
All that said, I wonder why someone would post a public blog for all to read, say things to let people know they’re hurting and need some help, then, when help comes along and gently offers support they pack up and leave without a word. I don’t feel taken advantage of or anything as this blogger owed me nothing at all, especially considering that my thoughts were not really wanted or responded to, but still I wonder why someone would put themselves out there and then freak out and remove it all. It’s not like she was brand new at this. Her old blog had posts from over a year ago…mind you, she didn’t seem to have any subscribers or interactions with other bloggers.
It’s put something in perspective for me though. That blogger wrote in every post that she had no one. No one cared if she lived or died and the people closest to her cared even less. She mentioned that most people who are mentally ill have someone to support them but she had no one….but then later on she mentions a mother/father/siblings who constantly call the cops on her because they’re afraid she’ll hurt herself. She’s only seeing the side she wants to see and wow, is it ever a dismal perspective. Of course things won’t get better if you sit in your own shit pile constantly pointing out to yourself how worthless and unwanted you are.
I see myself in this behaviour, which is why I reached out to her in the first place. It’s been a good thought review for me. Interesting to look at the difference between someone who talks themselves up and someone who talks themselves down. Even when life doesn’t improve dramatically over time, the ones who talks themselves up still win in the end because they’ve not spent that time wishing things were different. Sometimes things ARE different…it’s just your perspective that keeps you trapped
There! That’s what made sense to me. Even if the journey is difficult, when you do it smiling you going to be better off in the end. Even when it sucked.
Anyway…if you happen to read this, deleted blogger friend, which I don’t think you will as you didn’t follow me back, I was not out to harm you in any way. I simply saw something in your words that reminded me of a battle I’ve faced with myself in the past and wanted you to know you’re not all alone in it. Curiosity and empathy were my only two drivers. I’m left feeling like I somehow violated your privacy and took away your safe place to empty your fears and loss. Start a new blog and if by any weird coincidence I happen upon you again, I’ll not follow, not comment and not read.