People never fail to confuse…

Before I get into this, I want to say upfront that I totally understand why this happened and I’m not taking it personally.  I’m just really finding the reaction curious and I’m trying to work it all out in my head.

I follow quite a few blogs here and always try to keep up, check in with those who care for me (and I for them!).   Some of them I don’t often comment on, not having anything of value to add, but there are a few times that I kind of overdo it due to a massive swell of empathy (note, not sympathy) for a particular blogger I’ve come across.  This was one of those times.

I found her blog about six weeks ago and her writing was so sad, so lost and hurting; everything she wrote was about giving up on life and ending it all.  I saw the post one day and reached out to her with a short comment of support.  The next day I saw another post, nearly duplicate in form and content, and from there I didn’t always comment, but “liked” most of what she posts, offering suggestions where I felt I could.  Now, she never once responded to me and seemed not to respond to any of her comments, but I know quite a few bloggers who don’t and I thought nothing strange of it at all.

Somewhere in her postings she linked a previous blog that held more of her story.  Yesterday, while wasting my lunch hour at work I took a browse through.  I didn’t read every post, didn’t “like” any of them either as she had never offered any communication back.  This old blog had been taken down because someone in her family found it and continued sending the police to her flat, afraid she was about to end it all.  She did reference wanting to die in every single post, in fact, most ended cryptically with a suggestion that she might not ever be back if she was able to die this final time.

That’s enough of her story for here.  She seems a private person who really just wanted to write her thoughts out but not communicate with others which I should respect.  Here’s the thing though, yesterday, after she granted me access to the private blog posts by request (her old blog) and I left one, non-threatening comment saying thanks.  I understood a bit more of why she was so unhappy and felt I understood where she was coming from.  This morning as I checked in with the blogs I follow, I noticed that her second and most current blog wasn’t coming up.   Several posts from other bloggers I knew to be posted on the same day were popping up in my feed but she wasn’t.  Worried, I searched her blog name only to find a “the author has deleted this site” message.

Well crap.  Since the beginning of my blogging adventure this has happened to me several times, of course.  People I’d grown to care about on some level would just up and leave.  There was a bpd blog I followed for years and really loved keeping up with whose owner deleted and left one day and me and several hundred others were just left swaying in the breeze.  That one kinda hurt because I really cared about the outcome of her trials.  I’ve also had people who I grew close to suddenly decide they can’t read my blog any longer and fall out of my life.  That’s the internet for you though.  No surprises there.

All that said, I wonder why someone would post a public blog for all to read, say things to let people know they’re hurting and need some help, then, when help comes along and gently offers support they pack up and leave without a word.  I don’t feel taken advantage of or anything as this blogger owed me nothing at all, especially considering that my thoughts were not really wanted or responded to, but still I wonder why someone would put themselves out there and then freak out and remove it all.  It’s not like she was brand new at this.  Her old blog had posts from over a year ago…mind you, she didn’t seem to have any subscribers or interactions with other bloggers.

It’s put something in perspective for me though.  That blogger wrote in every post that she had no one.  No one cared if she lived or died and the people closest to her cared even less.  She mentioned that most people who are mentally ill have someone to support them but she had no one….but then later on she mentions a mother/father/siblings who constantly call the cops on her because they’re afraid she’ll hurt herself.  She’s only seeing the side she wants to see and wow, is it ever a dismal perspective.  Of course things won’t get better if you sit in your own shit pile constantly pointing out to yourself how worthless and unwanted you are.

I see myself in this behaviour, which is why I reached out to her in the first place.  It’s been a good thought review for me.  Interesting to look at the difference between someone who talks themselves up and someone who talks themselves down.  Even when life doesn’t improve dramatically over time, the ones who talks themselves up still win in the end because they’ve not spent that time wishing things were different.  Sometimes things ARE different…it’s just your perspective that keeps you trapped

There!  That’s what made sense to me.  Even if the journey is difficult, when you do it smiling you going to be better off in the end.  Even when it sucked.

Anyway…if you happen to read this, deleted blogger friend, which I don’t think you will as you didn’t follow me back, I was not out to harm you in any way.  I simply saw something in your words that reminded me of a battle I’ve faced with myself in the past and wanted you to know you’re not all alone in it.  Curiosity and empathy were my only two drivers.  I’m left feeling like I somehow violated your privacy and took away your safe place to empty your fears and loss.  Start a new blog and if by any weird coincidence I happen upon you again, I’ll not follow, not comment and not read.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

10 responses to “People never fail to confuse…”

  1. KittyHere says :

    We all have quirks. Some of us find solace in reaching out, in receiving comments back. Others, for them the equation may not be so simple. I can imagine wanting to remove an online narrative.

    Or once in a while the story could be largely a creative writing project, … ?

  2. colourtheday says :

    Thanks for sharing! There are so many reasons for blogging… I have also come across people who have reacted strange to “likes” and comments.
    For me, it was a challenge seeing what other people felt or meant after reading my stuff. It made me scared… Sometimes I didn’t read comments, but as my writing project was to go from one place to another, to change, it made me feel better about myself after a while. And I changed.
    Some writers with similar problems do not have any other ambitions than status quo. Even if they say something else… or complain about “having no one”. It is so sad.
    You were not wrong being curious and showing empathy. That is the “form” of this media anyway.
    Wishing you a lovely weekend!

  3. Mental Mama says :

    What always baffles me is people who piss and moan about how terrible life is and then never do a damn thing to change their situation – which it sounds like is exactly what this other blogger was doing. I’m a firm believer in “piss or get off the pot” and when I find something in my life not to my liking, I do my damndest to fix it. And that strikes me as your style as well.

    • Grainne says :

      Absolutely Mama, you and I definitely share that style…I think a lot of us do here in Mental Health land….we’ve learned that we COULD sit and feel sorry for ourselves forever but absolutely nothing will change if we take that route.

      I feel bad for upsetting her safe place to complain, but it’s quite likely that she’ll just start up again somewhere else. Maybe a private handwritten diary would be a better fit for her.

      Ah well. I’d rather be turned away for being kind in the wrong situation than ignore someone who is hurting and actually wants and needs a hand to get some change happening.

      xx Hope you had a great weekend my friend. xx

  4. marieolivia says :

    I think I might be of those people who talk themselves down instead of up. But it’s not because of a lack of trying to get better, or trying to get well. It’s because I think that nothing will ever get better, my life will never be about living and not dying and I think that I suck … And for so long I thought that, but still kept saying that ‘I believed’. I was depressed for years, but kept saying, and telling myself that I could get through it, even though I didn’t think that. But at some point I guess it got so low, and that is what depression does, that I just seem (and am) so negative. And I hear “change your focus, be grateful, think positive”, but depression is exactly that, not being able to or not managing to think positive, and to change your focus. And I am grateful, I’m grateful for the people around me, but being grateful doesn’t make me well … Gosh, I’m so on the verge of giving up, I feel it in my words.

    This response got longer than I meant it to. I’m just saying that whoever she was, I understand some of her ways, and I see that they are not beneficial, but sometimes that’s who depression makes you (and heck, I wish I wasn’t, because I wish I was better, faster, stronger, and more positive).

    I just want to say really, that I do appreciate it when you like one of my posts, and more than anything if you ever comment! even if I don’t respond in months.

    Thanks for sharing this! Reminded me to keep trying to look at what it really is I have, instead of listening to the negative voices in my head telling me I’m shitty and worthless.


    • Grainne says :

      Oh wow I’m sooo glad we connected on this point. I am, by nature, a down-talker too. If I let myself go I can have me and my entire family living in a box on the street in a matter of hours. I was stuck in a negative loop for years, no matter what went my way, there were a gazillion things that didn’t. I think it’s quite natural to do this when we suffer so much…or for so long. When things feel endless no matter what we do, it’s a hell of a hard thing, keeping positive energy going.

      Today, for example. I spent the weekend talking myself up. I didn’t bother with the things I won’t believe no matter who says them (I don’t have a ‘perfect body’ just like the rest of the world so standing in the mirror with a fake grin plastered across my face while repeating “I’m perfect just as I am” does nothing to help…lol). I tried to force myself to believe that this layoff at work would bring around a great new opportunity for me. … I did okay too, until I got to work this morning.

      When I’m stuck in a bad place physically, emotions tend to follow. I’ve not quite figured out how to fix that yet but I’m trying.

      Thanks so much for this comment and for being so kind. It makes a world of difference to me to know that we’re not alone in this, no matter how it feels at times. 🙂 xx

  5. paindepression says :

    I am willing to bet it had nothing to do with you and all to do with fears. Maybe she feared her family was finding ways to spy on her or something. You are a great friend and I am blessed to have you in my life. Thank you so very much….

    • Grainne says :

      Takes one to know one…you’ve been a great friend to me as well. xx

      You might be right, maybe she was just worried I was helping her family find her or something. She was a paranoid type anyway. I’m not taking it very personally…she and I didn’t really even know each other at all anyway. xx

  6. findingmyinnercourage says :

    I would bet it had nothing to do with you. I highly commend you for reaching out to her. Who knows maybe you saved her life.

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