What to say…

Okay, this isn’t getting much easier.  I mean, I know that my entire life seems to be uphill these days (ahem, always) but really?  This is all starting to wear me down.

The fall yesterday messed my everything up.  Last night when I got home I was in so much pain I couldn’t even change clothes.  I crawled up the stairs (Colt followed me step by step to make sure I didn’t fall again…such a sweetheart, that boy) and tried to get some comfy clothes on but I couldn’t get my shirt or bra off because my shoulders were so sore it was making me cry.  I crawled back down and lay on the living room floor in front of the gas fireplace until D got home.

I took every medication I have twice over while he got me an ice pack (I needed about twenty but we only had three) and that was my night.  I took muscle relaxers until I was able to fall asleep and then woke every few hours because of my screaming headache.  The meds were knocking it back for about 2 hours at a time.

This morning.  Well, I feel like a bag of broken bones.  I’m going to list this off just to complain, because I can and I feel like poop and I don’t want to be in this office right now.  Ever again, really.

Starting from the bottom up:  My feet are sore, mostly in the joints.  My big toe on both feet is swollen and the knuckle hurts so much I can’t physically touch it.  My ankles are grinding and feel like they can’t hold my weight.  My calves are okay aside from the bruising on my left from the fall, but both knees are sore, aching and feel like they’re about to snap when I put weight on them.  Stairs are tricky as I can’t put my entire weight on either leg so I am taking them like a toddler today, using my hands for support while I go up or down.  (There’s a small elevator at work I can use so I don’t look like an idiot in public).  My hips are sore, mostly from the fall.  Then we arrive at my entire upper torso.  My spine physically hurts…deep bone pain.  I can feel the vertebra grinding against each other where the disc has eroded to a thin slice.  My neck is so sore…I can’t even describe it.  It feels like my cervical spine is on fire, burning, aching pain.  It drives up into my jaw and face (even my cheekbones) and down into my shoulders and collar bones.  My rib cage is really upset…it hurts every time I breathe so I’m trying to be shallow for today to give my chest a break.  I have shooting nerve pain and numbness down both arms (left worse) and I can’t feel my last two fingers on either hand.  My wrists…typing makes them feel like they are held together with rubber bands and sticky tack.  And then there’s my head.  These headaches are the worst…they’re like a mixture of a migraine (sensitivity to light, sound, motion) and a tension headache which won’t go away no matter what I do.  I had D dig his knuckles into my shoulder and neck muscles until I bruised and he couldn’t do it anymore.  It helped a little, making those muscles move.

Soo yeah.  Ouch is the word today.  I’m also very tired.  I wish I was still in bed, sweating my arse off.  I’ve taken to wrapping myself in towels while I sleep…soaks up the sweat and I don’t wake soaking wet and frozen anymore…well, not as often anyway.

My bubbly coworkers have arrived for the day and they are trading shop stories loudly in the hallway.  They brag about how much they have to do..both want to be busier than the other.  One comes in at 7 am every day and works until 5 (mind you, she goes to get her hair cut, shopping, errand running, two-hour lunches whenever she feels like it).  I hate this place.  I never got along with them and I know they’re not my kind of people but I accepted it when they were civil to me at least.  Now I’m the office at the end of the hall and that’s that.  Disposable.  Must find something else soon.  :S  I don’t know how long I’ll manage this without snapping.

I’m so tired guys.  Every time I hurt like this I start to wonder how long I’ll actually be able to function at work full-time.  I can’t even let myself think about what happens if I can’t.  When I can’t, I guess is more accurate.  There’s no lying to myself over this one.  This pain is not going to get any better.  My coping skills might, I hope, but the pain is here to stay.  The fact that it’s only going to get worse is so daunting.

So, I’ll sit very still today and hope that time flies by somehow.  I’m going to ask for Friday off…see if I can swing it.  Maybe I’ll give Colt another hooky day too…he’s been dragging himself around this week too.

Anyway.  Back to the job boards.  (sigh)



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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

10 responses to “What to say…”

  1. ashlynsully says :

    Thank you for boldy sharing. Have a beautiful day.

  2. paindepression says :

    Ouch, I know you have got to be urging something horrible. I send you my love and embrace you from afar with a gentle hug….

  3. Mental Mama says :

    I really hope start feeling better soon.

    • Grainne says :

      Holy shit me too. I can’t believe I made it to the end of today. I thought for sure I’d be throwing up and trying to stay awake while driving home but I’m hanging in there. 20 min to go and I’m heading for home. xx

  4. cliques1 says :

    hugs to you Grainne!!!

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