The good ones understand (and I fell down the stairs – completely unrelated)

I feel a lot better today.  Many of the people I’ve been feeling bad for neglecting have reached out and told me they are not feeling neglected and understand what I’m going through.  I was able to let go of a lot of guilt, which is really important for me.  Once I start feeling guilty, things spiral out of control and I can’t bring myself to contact the person.  It happened last year.  One of my best blog buddies, Hope, went into hospital care for a while.  I told her I’d call her and keep her company when I could.  I managed a few calls but then some time elapsed and the longer it went without calling, the worse I felt.  It took a long time to wade through that and in the end she wasn’t even angry with me.  Silly cycle I need to pay close attention to.  So.  Thanks to those of you who understand, those of you who always did, and for being here.  I feel so much better about things today.

I didn’t start out so great though, this morning.  I woke up from a very persistent dream where my foster-sister is in labour and I’m trying to either get her to the hospital, help in some way, or just sit with her through it.  I’ve had this same dream in the past…it’s strange.  I explain each phase of labour to her as I recall it and she’s scared, but okay because I’m with her.  I did take care of her in life when we lived in the same house and made sure the abuse was not aimed at her ever…but it’s still odd.  She’s in her 30’s now and the last time I saw her, she was giving D shit about something as my family turned on him that Christmas after her wedding in Mexico.  I was a suicidal, depressed, fucked up mess then and they blamed it all on D, of course, even though the actual cause of my ptsd was at the damn wedding and physically attacked me in the lobby of the resort…hammered beyond belief at 4 in the afternoon.  Sigh.  Anyway…I’m not sure what she’s doing in my head.

I got up fine, slept long enough, was soaked in sweat but nothing abnormal for me.  I had a nice warm shower and then decided I wasn’t going to be able to hack makeup…I was in such pain.  Joints and bones and muscles all aching and the nerve pain!  As the weather creeps warmer, the nerve pain is firing off in every which direction.  Anyway, with nerve pain, for some unknown reason, comes the drop foot issue.  I was careful…I knew it was a threat.  I sat on the floor like a five year old and put my pants on, making sure not to rely on balance, I put on my socks with treads (seriously) and slowly, while holding the railing, walked down the stairs.  One step out of ten my leg just didn’t do what I asked it to and bam!  Down the stairs we went.  I have a monster bruise on my thigh, calf, ankle, and foot and everything on my left side is now really sore.  Joints ache, swollen bruising and I feel like I messed up my sciatic nerve.  Again.  I’m hoping hard that it isn’t damaged because that is one pain I am NOT interested in feeling again if I can help it in any way.

So yeah.  I’m hurting.  I have a headache that is going on its 7th day, now extra irritated thanks to my fall.  I went through a bottle of Advil last night along with more Targin than I should be taking, and several muscle relaxers.  Nothing really worked though.  I get scared when I think of pain that has nothing that will settle or diminish it…even for a few hours.  That kind of pain can take over your life especially if you’re not working.  (gulp)

Just heard from another colleague that I’m lucky I didn’t get that job in the department I applied for a few weeks ago.  Apparently, not only the one is an asshole…all three are.  Even the one I really liked and got along with.  I heard horror stories of how little they care for their employees.  They didn’t care when a staff member of 10 years threatened to leave and just ushered her out the door, instantly replacing her with a lower grade salary position and that was that.  Done.  Bullet dodged.  Whew.

On that note, I’m off to stare at the vacant job boards for a while.  Maybe something will pop up today.  I should make the email rounds and remind everyone I’m still looking.  Might help in the end.  Who knows.  (or cares, at this point).

I did manage to get my nails done last night at least.  That was my goal.  And yes, I’m serious.  lol.  They look pretty good too.  *yawn*



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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

11 responses to “The good ones understand (and I fell down the stairs – completely unrelated)”

  1. dharmagoddess says :

    I also experience that spiral of guilt when being out of contact. I’ve caught myself – like you did – and let go of the guilt. Sometimes we expect far too much of ourselves and it turns into self-sabotage, yuck. 🙂

  2. Mental Mama says :

    I hope you’re not hurt too badly! *hugs*

  3. Pete says :

    Really, really Grainne there are better ways to do away with yourself than throwing your body down the stairs! Remember our possible S.P….would be much easier huh? 🙂
    Seriously twin be careful, the world needs loving souls like you and besides if something happened to you I’d have to really ramp up my life insurance wouldn’t I??

    • Grainne says :

      lol…I was clumsy before all of this, now…I’m a walking disaster! Not to worry…I tend to bounce when I faceplant. 😉

      • Pete says :

        Hey twin I’m so clumsy as well. Wish we could faceplant together?

        Pete xoxoxoxo

      • Grainne says :

        Nooo! We’d never get up Pete ! Lol..between you and I we’d be in traction before the week was out. Mind you, a nice long hospital stay doesn’t exactly sit badly with me at this time. Imagine all the rest!! xx

      • Pete says :

        Oh all the rest! Baby beautiful, great if they put us in the same room or just made larger taction we could both fit in like a twin with two heads. I’d never get tired of looking at you 🙂

        Pete xo

      • Grainne says :

        LMAO! Can you imagine?! (I think you might get a bit tired after a few weeks without a shower…lolol!) We’ll work out a system to scratch itches.

        You make me laugh Pete. Thanks man. xx

  4. Pete says :

    I love you because you can laugh, sweet twin 🙂
    Ok, same room different traction, boy could we have some heart to hearts huh?
    That would have to be when either of us weren’t sleeping though!!!

    Love Pete xo

    • Grainne says :

      Haha! It’s all good…I talk in my sleep so we’ll still be communicating. I have a feeling that you and I would be able to converse like that…right out, snoring away… “Hey twin, could you turn the air conditioning on for a bit? It’s so hot in here…”

      “Sure Twin. Just as soon as I figure out how to shut off the sun…”

      lol. xx

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