The good ones understand (and I fell down the stairs – completely unrelated)
I feel a lot better today. Many of the people I’ve been feeling bad for neglecting have reached out and told me they are not feeling neglected and understand what I’m going through. I was able to let go of a lot of guilt, which is really important for me. Once I start feeling guilty, things spiral out of control and I can’t bring myself to contact the person. It happened last year. One of my best blog buddies, Hope, went into hospital care for a while. I told her I’d call her and keep her company when I could. I managed a few calls but then some time elapsed and the longer it went without calling, the worse I felt. It took a long time to wade through that and in the end she wasn’t even angry with me. Silly cycle I need to pay close attention to. So. Thanks to those of you who understand, those of you who always did, and for being here. I feel so much better about things today.
I didn’t start out so great though, this morning. I woke up from a very persistent dream where my foster-sister is in labour and I’m trying to either get her to the hospital, help in some way, or just sit with her through it. I’ve had this same dream in the past…it’s strange. I explain each phase of labour to her as I recall it and she’s scared, but okay because I’m with her. I did take care of her in life when we lived in the same house and made sure the abuse was not aimed at her ever…but it’s still odd. She’s in her 30’s now and the last time I saw her, she was giving D shit about something as my family turned on him that Christmas after her wedding in Mexico. I was a suicidal, depressed, fucked up mess then and they blamed it all on D, of course, even though the actual cause of my ptsd was at the damn wedding and physically attacked me in the lobby of the resort…hammered beyond belief at 4 in the afternoon. Sigh. Anyway…I’m not sure what she’s doing in my head.
I got up fine, slept long enough, was soaked in sweat but nothing abnormal for me. I had a nice warm shower and then decided I wasn’t going to be able to hack makeup…I was in such pain. Joints and bones and muscles all aching and the nerve pain! As the weather creeps warmer, the nerve pain is firing off in every which direction. Anyway, with nerve pain, for some unknown reason, comes the drop foot issue. I was careful…I knew it was a threat. I sat on the floor like a five year old and put my pants on, making sure not to rely on balance, I put on my socks with treads (seriously) and slowly, while holding the railing, walked down the stairs. One step out of ten my leg just didn’t do what I asked it to and bam! Down the stairs we went. I have a monster bruise on my thigh, calf, ankle, and foot and everything on my left side is now really sore. Joints ache, swollen bruising and I feel like I messed up my sciatic nerve. Again. I’m hoping hard that it isn’t damaged because that is one pain I am NOT interested in feeling again if I can help it in any way.
So yeah. I’m hurting. I have a headache that is going on its 7th day, now extra irritated thanks to my fall. I went through a bottle of Advil last night along with more Targin than I should be taking, and several muscle relaxers. Nothing really worked though. I get scared when I think of pain that has nothing that will settle or diminish it…even for a few hours. That kind of pain can take over your life especially if you’re not working. (gulp)
Just heard from another colleague that I’m lucky I didn’t get that job in the department I applied for a few weeks ago. Apparently, not only the one is an asshole…all three are. Even the one I really liked and got along with. I heard horror stories of how little they care for their employees. They didn’t care when a staff member of 10 years threatened to leave and just ushered her out the door, instantly replacing her with a lower grade salary position and that was that. Done. Bullet dodged. Whew.
On that note, I’m off to stare at the vacant job boards for a while. Maybe something will pop up today. I should make the email rounds and remind everyone I’m still looking. Might help in the end. Who knows. (or cares, at this point).
I did manage to get my nails done last night at least. That was my goal. And yes, I’m serious. lol. They look pretty good too. *yawn*