To the people I’m neglecting
I am sorry. Pete, you’re one…I don’t know if my friend Cliques reads this blog…you’re another if so. Drew is, as always, sending me patient, loving texts trying to keep me afloat. He deserves my time too but I can’t stay awake long enough to engage anyone. I think about it but it just doesn’t happen. I’ll lie there, thinking about a blog friend, say, whom I’ve not had contact with for a while and I’ll want to say hi but the energy…it’s so limited. I don’t want to send any more texts to people because they turn into conversations I can’t carry out. How annoying would it be for me to say:
“Hey! Long time no talk…so sorry, I’ve been struggling some.”
“Oh hey! That’s okay, sorry to hear things aren’t great. How is Colt doing these days?”
And this is where I pass out. I might answer the question but usually the phone is already fallen from my hand and I’m gone for the next 15 or so hours. I wouldn’t want to talk to someone like that often, so I try not to do it to people. Outcome there is that people feel neglected and ignored, which is super shitty and not what I wanted. So…silence usually wins.
Of course, this leads to the sad email telling me it’s okay if I don’t want to be friends anymore. I never know what to say. Yes I still want people in my life but no, I can’t take care of everyone like I used to and that leaves me feeling powerless and weak. So I sleep. It’s not meant as an insult…it’s just me giving up a little. I only have so much energy to fight this shit with and I have given D a commitment to be present and a part of things with the family when I can. Colt, of course, gets my time when he needs/wants it, unless I’m really out of it then he kind of understands.
So. I’m really sorry for not seeming to care. I do, but my entire structure is crumbling and I don’t know how to do that along with the pain. How do I hold everything together when nothing is sticking?
This is part of the attachment thing again. I can’t seem to consistently put the work in that is required to have good friends. I can hold onto a small group for a while, but when I’m overwhelmed, like now, I tend to shut off rather than suffer through. It’s not that I enjoy sleeping more than meeting someone for a coffee…those choices are far beyond the place I am now.
It makes me want to validate the pain. I mean, I know a lot of us walk around with chronic pain and many deal with it really well…there are a few of you here in blog-land who suffer more than me and yet cope better by far. I’m just so tired of trying to smile while my world falls apart bit by bit.
“Hey! You look like you had a nice restful weekend!” a distant coworker cheered this morning. Sweet of her but, I’d better…I got up an extra hour early this morning and put make up on, trying to trick myself into feeling better. Now I look better but will have to deal with people telling me how happy and stress free I look all day. “thanks so much – I’m learning to hide how much I suffer well then” is what rolls around my head.
Why should I have to hide this too? I had to hide the pain of abuse silently for years. I had to hide from the world and live on the streets when I was still a child…couldn’t look weak there or I would have been eaten alive. Hide the sadness, hide the tears, hide the pain and the lies I was told over and over. Hide the struggle, both mental and physical. Hide, hide, hide, fucking die. What is the point of a life like that?
If I force myself to stay awake though, I pay for it in pain, then I feel like spending time with people means I have to suffer and everything stops making sense again.
Anyway. This is why I’ve been quiet. Trust me, I’m not having long ramble on conversations with anyone while I neglect you. I’m not choosing anything or anyone over you, I’m just not participating in life after working and a very few family hours. 😦
So. Today a lot of me hurts. I can’t breathe in without cringing and my elbows are staying clamped to my sides to eliminate movement in my upper torso. My head is throbbing in tune with my neck and for some reason my hands and feet hurt today…especially my heels, like I walked the whole day even though the only chore I got done this weekend was laundry and cleaning the kitchen…twice. I used the energy I had to clean it once and then D cooked and it was a mess again. Before I went to lie down after Colt went to bed I stopped and cleaned it all again. Seemed such a waste to have to wake up to another sink full of dirty dishes, food everywhere, floor sticky with blobs of cooking sauces and other spills.
I’m too tired for all this guys. Where will I find the strength when it’s all tied up in simply surviving? 😦