This one’s gonna be a doozy
Oh my goodness friends, I am in pain. Wait. Pain….it needs caps, trust me. I was so sore by the end of the day yesterday (I fled my office at 230 and headed for home, just too fed up with everything to be bothered) I got Colt from the sitter, came home again and swallowed two of ever pill I have (except birth control, I doubt that would have helped but if it had a chance, I’d have done it). I sat on my heating blanket on the couch and there I stayed until this morning. I didn’t even get up to pee. The pain pulled back a little with all the meds in my system (also ate a little bowl of rice for substance so my tummy didn’t explode) but I found I could barely move my neck around midnight. Spent hours icing and heating various parts of my body before finally falling asleep around 2 am. That is less than 15 hours sleep which makes functioning questionable, period.
I nearly called in today, I mean, it’s not like they need me here or are counting on me for anything, but D reminded me that I wanted to be able to keep these few months I have. I’m not convinced they could do anything to me now, I mean, if the director was going to fire me, he’d have done it already, but I agreed, I shouldn’t take too much advantage (I think) so I hauled ass in here, bleary eyed and hunched over like a 95-year-old lady. A lovely man in the parking lot actually ran across the lot to help me to the door…he could see I was struggling on the ice. He had the most beautiful skin…dark, rich skin with bright white eyes and teeth..his voice was lovely too, deep and rumbling. He held my arm like a gentleman and I blushed bright red, feeling stupid for some reason, but he didn’t hesitate; just slowly walked me like a granny across the ice and held open the door for me. I thought he was going to offer to carry me up the stairs lol. It was nice to know there are still good people out there who will help a stranger for no reason. I hope someone makes his day today somehow. 🙂
So wow. I feel like shit. I’m here to fuck around and look occupied for 8 hours then I’ll crawl home. It’s not much fun, living like this. I wish there was some hope on the job boards to give me something to hang onto but…well, that’s life. D took a look at me last night and told me I had to get out. He said to take whatever I can get regardless of salary and just leave this place before it eats me alive. I’m stumbling frighteningly close to PTSD triggers…not being good enough, not being liked, not being needed or wanted around, not succeeding, people knowing how shit I really am and failing miserably, publicly. It’s a nightmare for me but I’m trying hard to keep it a step away. The pain always makes everything harder to control, but, it’s just pain right? I can beat it for a day…I just won’t look ahead. If I can manage it. Somehow. Fuck.
Someone just came by my office and asked a very simple question and I couldn’t even formulate an answer. My skin feels too tight…have you ever felt that way? Like I can’t quite control anything.
“Uhh try the one, the stairs…third office. Last name Smith or … I think.” Was my answer to the poor confused looking guy. Whatev. Read the name plates asshole. I don’t have energy to waste on you. (Oh that was shitty of me. Right after that other guy was so kind…*sigh*)
I drank a Pepsi this morning which I am regretting hugely. My stomach is a mess now. I can’t seem to tip my body in any direction without the contents of my stomach returning to the back of my throat. The acid in it is creating a lava like rumble and I suspect I’ll eventually throw it up if I put anything else in there. I’m out of stomach meds and getting it refilled is a huge pain so I’ve put it off. I have to do a med run later this month anyway and I’m trying to keep it all together.
I’m really tired. The caffeine was intended to help with that but it’s only made me sick. Ah well. Get in line stomach, there are loads of issues ahead of you today.
I’m also pretty sad. I really dislike instability but it seems to always be the state of my life. I’m so thankful I have Colt and D, you guys who take care of my heart here, the people at work who are emailing me daily just to help keep my spirits up (there are quite a few of them still writing. I’m actually surprised as I thought it was just the initial shock that made people reach out, but no, they seem to really care. It makes my heart swell in my chest, knowing how much love I really have around me. I know that it is all mine because I’ve been good to these people as well. Finally, something that feels in balance! Will cling to that today.
Omg there is a huge gaggle of hens in the hallway all clucking away about upcoming vacations and new high def televisions with surround sound. One just got a new mac laptop and the other just spent a few hundred on a new purse that she didn’t. She’s going to sell a couple of her other ones like it to recoup some of her money. Sigh. The life eh? Why the fuck am I here at all?
Blah. Thursday. I’m almost positive I’m going to take tomorrow off.