This one’s gonna be a doozy

Oh my goodness friends, I am in pain.  Wait.  Pain….it needs caps, trust me.  I was so sore by the end of the day yesterday (I fled my office at 230 and headed for home, just too fed up with everything to be bothered) I got Colt from the sitter, came home again and swallowed two of ever pill I have (except birth control, I doubt that would have helped but if it had a chance, I’d have done it).  I sat on my heating blanket on the couch and there I stayed until this morning.  I didn’t even get up to pee.  The pain pulled back a little with all the meds in my system (also ate a little bowl of rice for substance so my tummy didn’t explode) but I found I could barely move my neck around midnight.  Spent hours icing and heating various parts of my body before finally falling asleep around 2 am.  That is less than 15 hours sleep which makes functioning questionable, period.

I nearly called in today, I mean, it’s not like they need me here or are counting on me for anything, but D reminded me that I wanted to be able to keep these few months I have.  I’m not convinced they could do anything to me now, I mean, if the director was going to fire me, he’d have done it already, but I agreed, I shouldn’t take too much advantage (I think) so I hauled ass in here, bleary eyed and hunched over like a 95-year-old lady.  A lovely man in the parking lot actually ran across the lot to help me to the door…he could see I was struggling on the ice.  He had the most beautiful skin…dark, rich skin with bright white eyes and teeth..his voice was lovely too, deep and rumbling.  He held my arm like a gentleman and I blushed bright red, feeling stupid for some reason, but he didn’t hesitate; just slowly walked me like a granny across the ice and held open the door for me.  I thought he was going to offer to carry me up the stairs lol.  It was nice to know there are still good people out there who will help a stranger for no reason.  I hope someone makes his day today somehow.  🙂

So wow.  I feel like shit.  I’m here to fuck around and look occupied for 8 hours then I’ll crawl home.  It’s not much fun, living like this.  I wish there was some hope on the job boards to give me something to hang onto but…well, that’s life.  D took a look at me last night and told me I had to get out.  He said to take whatever I can get regardless of salary and just leave this place before it eats me alive.  I’m stumbling frighteningly close to PTSD triggers…not being good enough, not being liked, not being needed or wanted around, not succeeding, people knowing how shit I really am and failing miserably, publicly.  It’s a nightmare for me but I’m trying hard to keep it a step away.  The pain always makes everything harder to control, but, it’s just pain right?  I can beat it for a day…I just won’t look ahead.  If I can manage it.  Somehow.  Fuck.

Someone just came by my office and asked a very simple question and I couldn’t even formulate an answer.  My skin feels too tight…have you ever felt that way?  Like I can’t quite control anything.

“Uhh try the one, the stairs…third office.  Last name Smith or … I think.”  Was my answer to the poor confused looking guy.  Whatev.  Read the name plates asshole.  I don’t have energy to waste on you.  (Oh that was shitty of me.  Right after that other guy was so kind…*sigh*)

I drank a Pepsi this morning which I am regretting hugely.  My stomach is a mess now.  I can’t seem to tip my body in any direction without the contents of my stomach returning to the back of my throat.  The acid in it is creating a lava like rumble and I suspect I’ll eventually throw it up if I put anything else in there.  I’m out of stomach meds and getting it refilled is a huge pain so I’ve put it off.  I have to do a med run later this month anyway and I’m trying to keep it all together.  

I’m really tired.  The caffeine was intended to help with that but it’s only made me sick.  Ah well.  Get in line stomach, there are loads of issues ahead of you today.  

I’m also pretty sad.  I really dislike instability but it seems to always be the state of my life.  I’m so thankful I have Colt and D, you guys who take care of my heart here, the people at work who are emailing me daily just to help keep my spirits up (there are quite a few of them still writing.  I’m actually surprised as I thought it was just the initial shock that made people reach out, but no, they seem to really care.  It makes my heart swell in my chest, knowing how much love I really have around me.  I know that it is all mine because I’ve been good to these people as well.  Finally, something that feels in balance!  Will cling to that today.  

Omg there is a huge gaggle of hens in the hallway all clucking away about upcoming vacations and new high def televisions with surround sound.  One just got a new mac laptop and the other just spent a few hundred on a new purse that she didn’t.  She’s going to sell a couple of her other ones like it to recoup some of her money.  Sigh.  The life eh?  Why the fuck am I here at all?  

Blah.  Thursday.  I’m almost positive I’m going to take tomorrow off.  


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

10 responses to “This one’s gonna be a doozy”

  1. paindepression says :

    I am right here with you in the way too much pain front……
    Let’s hang on together……

    • Grainne says :

      Deal. What is it for you? Is the weather affecting your pain? It’s warm and raining here today and every time that happens I flare up. Mind you, life-stress isn’t helping much. You’ve had a hell of a week too. *hugs* I wish we could go have a coffee somewhere with big, comfy recliner chairs. Some place where people would wait on us…hmm.. that sounds like a dream! lol.

      *gentle hugs* Thanks for being here. xx

      • Pete says :

        Hey ladies,
        Can I cut in? Grainne that sounds fxcking divine! and about that ‘cup of coffee too?’ They should make a really huge one with triple caffeine, vodka, white rum and whatever you lovely gals want in it. Throw in three straws with about 1.5 litres of ‘coffee’ and laugh at our bloody pain whilst we relax taking turns on our straws….sound good?

  2. awomaninpain says :

    Your words are very good and the replies and comments given to you are for sympathy, concern and care not just words that don’t mean anything…so your right it is all for you 🙂 Keep thinking of things that make you smile and try not to dwell on the giggling biatchs who obviously have more money that sense and are just trying to one up each other, those kind of people are not important and wouldn’t know a real issue if it bit them in their no doubt perky arse!? (I do think you should go get your meds though and not sit and suffer) xoxoxo

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks friend. I don’t know why I do that to myself either. I’m much better than I used to be about making sure I have all of my meds in me on time…I think I was subconsciously making myself suffer. Definitely going to fill that scrip. Convenience only counts for so much. xx

  3. KittyHere says :

    I suggest you join me on the “white food diet.” I am venturing as far as poached chicken and plain baked potato today. Flat watered down gingerale is my beverage choice until I get my GI track in balance. Have a small bit of rice D makes you now and then.

    How you do anything with chronic pain is beyond me. Do not be so hard on yourself. But thank goodness you can see and accept the love and support you are receiving. And yes, it is because you are a wonderful person who has earned it.

    I could easily be one of those hens standing outside your door. Got the HD TV and probably an extra handbag or two. However I have been without earlier in life. I also do not doubt that a twist of fate or a stupid mistake could change it all. Plus as comfortable as I am materially I am driven nuts by those around me who are always yapping “I can’t afford” a book, or some item at the grocery store yet own multiple houses and cars etc.

    Corny or preachy — Our real wealth is having folks who love us, especially a good spouse, and in your case Colt.

    • Grainne says :

      You are one who appreciated what you have in life, both emotionally and physically…you’ve been that way since the moment I met you. You could not be anything like these caddy women at my door Kitty….they take everything for granted. Two of them are fond of telling me that if their child was disabled, they’d likely put them in a home somewhere rather than suffer through life with them. These are strange creatures I work with….for sure. They like to show each other photos of their new curtains and dining tables just so the other knows how much the have free to spend on crap. Even if I was rich beyond my wildest dreams, I would not assume it was mine to throw around. People don’t realize how lucky they are. You do though…you always have. 🙂

      I am pretty much on your white diet. I’ve been drinking flat gingerale as it works wonders for me too. I have that ginger tinture that also works miracles. I should go get some of that today to keep in my purse.

      I am eating up so much love and support here, it makes an enormous difference doesn’t it?? 🙂 I remember when you and I first met, you were the only one who stood by me and read all of my miserable posts. It’s in part, that love that got me where I am today. I don’t take that for granted either.
      xoxox Much love.

      • KittyHere says :

        Ah, thank you.

        Yep, human beings need kindness And it is as good to give as to receive.

        My therapist shock her head when I related some of the comments made to me as a child. She found it harsh. But I told her I did not hold it against anyone and that some people who are over protected and coddled are worse off. That must be the explanation for those shallow women in your workplace — at least it is the kindest one I can concoct.

  4. rootstoblossom says :

    Sorry you are hurting. So happy that stranger helped you and that you feel the love of friends. Don’t doubt the sincerity of the kindness, people do care about you. xx

  5. Mental Mama says :

    Not meant to make light of what you’re going through right now, I just don’t feel like I have worthwhile words to share. Really just hoping this makes you smile.

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