I have been sleeping for so many hours recently, the dreams have been constant and although not stressful, very strange in theme. The one that I woke with this morning was of a couple I used to know about (holy crap!) 20 years ago.
Tom and Alice were friends of friends that I met first when I was 16. I was already living on my own…in a beat up old Ford Tempo with no motor that was parked in the back lot of a complex of townhouses in a *very* rough area of town. To highlight how rough, one day I woke to a gun shot ripping through the air. I peeked my head over the dash and saw a man stumble and then fall about 30 feet from my car. I ran over to the closest pay phone and called 911 and waited. No one showed up for 9 hours. HOURS! Little kid were throwing rocks and the poor guy and poking him with sticks but no one really cared. When they finally arrived it took another few hours for the corner to get there so all in, this poor man’s dead body lay behind a shitty townhouse block for a full day before anyone bothered to collect him and give him some dignity.
So back to Alice and Tom. They were married and had a lovely little girl and all three lived in a gorgeous country house owned by Alice’s mother who also lived there. It was a nice, easy arrangement by the time I entered the scene. Alice was a little mouse, depressed, unhappy and near silent. Tom was a boisterous, reckless kind of guy who liked card games, booze and heavy, heavy smokes that must have made his lungs look like a coal mine. He had long blonde hair and a chiseled jaw; very handsome and strong looking. He was a good ten years my senior and I believe that when we became close friends, he had just turned 30. As I said, I was about 16.
When I was 16 I had no parental guidance or rules to follow. I didn’t attend school and I was taking care of myself entirely. Of course, I had figured out that I was attractive to men and had already managed to play that to my advantage without things leading to sex. I had been exposed to enough sex that was cruel and forced in my life by then that it wasn’t something I longed for in any way. That said, I knew I could get pretty much anything I wanted if I put it up for auction, to poorly phrase it. I just can’t think of a more accurate description for how I felt about it.
Tom was not immune, of course, and he had been cheating on his wife for years. His conquests were legend in our social circle which did not include his quiet little wife who stayed home with their daughter while he went out on Friday nights and tore the town up. It was one of these Friday’s that things first changed between Tom and I.
I had met a guy somewhere…I have no idea where, but he was older than me and he promised some good drugs. I invited him to meet us at a coffee shop we used to frequent and he showed, but chose to stay outside in the parking lot not wanting to share with my crowd of friends. I went to hang out with him and smoked whatever he offered…I was a little loose in my thinking then..trying to find things to take away the pain. Anyway, whatever it was, it threw me for a loop. I wandered back to my friends feeling way too high for a brightly lit donut shop and sat next to Tom, trembling and not feeling too well at all. It was obvious I was messed up and Tom took my arm, led me outside and put me in the passenger seat of his car. He told me not to puke on his car seat and closed the door to let me sleep it off. I didn’t manage to sleep it off though and so, Tom spent the entire night driving me around town in his car. I would wake and be dying of thirst and would beg for a drink. He’d stop to get me one and I’d guzzle it down, pass out again, wake later with a bladder full dying to pee. He’d find me a bathroom and I’d finish and pass out in his front seat again. Eventually, the sun came up and he had to go home so he dropped me close to my ‘car’ and went on his way. Later, it came to light that he told everyone we’d spent the night having all sorts of crazy sex. I remember nothing to this day but I can’t deny it…it might have been true indeed.
Since we’d already pressed that boundary, we ended up sleeping together regularly for a time, his wife unaware, of course. I would meet him at work and we would spend nights running around without any clothes on (totally forgetting the security cameras … yikes) and having our fun. I didn’t feel bad for Alice. I never had to look at her so it didn’t seem to matter. 😦
Eventually, Tom and his family moved into a new house in a town close by and Tom invited me to stay with them for a while, knowing I had no place to go and no job. It must have seemed strange to his wife and mother in law but they were silent like that…would bow to his will no matter what he was asking for. Actually, he didn’t ask, he just did. So, I helped them move and in the middle of a truck run, Tom and I made love in their bed while his little girl played out back on the swing set. That one got me a bit…there were too many things morally wrong with that picture.
I lived with them for several months, providing minimal babysitting for my board, didn’t donate a dollar to the family pot and ate there nightly. I was grateful but still, I knew the entire arrangement was based on Tom getting his rocks off with me so the gratitude was kind of tempered by reality.
One day the mother in law, sick of me sleeping on her daughter’s bedroom floor, saw one too many looks between Tom and I and demanded I get out. They sent me on my way that same day with a loaned backpack for my few belongings and I had to walk for four hours to get back to any semblance of city. I cried the entire way but really, I had known I was on borrowed time from the start.
Tom and I still hooked up regularly after I moved out and he continued to pursue me until one day he decided that things were just going too far. He took me out to dinner and looked at me across the table, dead serious face, and launched into an explanation of how we had to stop sleeping together. He went on a long, winding journey of words that eventually spelled out his reasons. He said (and I took this with a straight face) that the only reason he had slept with me in the first place was to give me some confidence. Seriously. I was a smoking hot 16-17 year old with a very liberal mind, sexually speaking, and he was a slightly tubby, married, 30-31 year old man and he was trying to tell me it was all for my self-confidence. I shrugged and accepted it. He drove me home (to where I was staying then) and promptly followed me inside and fucked me on the sofa.
Then came the time that Tom asked if I could continue screwing him but, he said he couldn’t stand the thought of me being with anyone else. He wanted a commitment of sorts … I think I laughed at his request, which set him off and things wound down some. We remained in touch until I met Tiffany who saved me from the streets and moved me away from Tom and his lovely little family…thank god.
So, that story told, last night I was dreaming of them. There was a death of some sort and his entire family was grieving so I had them over to my place (a house I’ve never seen before but obviously lived there with D) and set about getting them drunk, for some reason.
We were in the woods I’ve been stuck in for a few weeks but for some reason my cats were being taken care of by a neighbour of theirs. I asked them to bring Lestat back (my old kitty who lived to be 21, died a few years ago in my arms on Halloween night) but they brought a cat that didn’t look like him at all. I was preoccupied by that for most of the evening as we passed a bottle of whiskey around.
D was the first to puke…ran for the bathroom and barely made it. Directly thereafter, Tom followed but ended up spraying it everywhere. I cleaned up after them both and sat in the bathroom rubbing Tom’s back as he got the rest of it up.
“I think we’ll have to stay here tonight” he said between retches.
I made up the couches for them and we all ended up piling in close under the covers. Their little girl was very small in my dream, not even two, and D took care of her, feeding her from baby food jars and a sippy cup left over from Colt’s younger days. She was a good baby and happily snuggled into D and fell asleep. Alice was on the long couch with Tom leaning against her but his hand reached down to hold mine, my body beside his. His fingers stroked my skin in such a soothing, loving way it made me cry. I wanted so badly to be a part of that family again….not that I ever was, but his affection was like heroin to me. I could not pull away.
By the end of the night, we were all tucked in under blankets and I had my arm wound around Tom’s leg, using him as a pillow.
“We’re all here for you guys.” I told them out loud and they murmured in response.
I felt good being able to bring them some comfort even though I have no idea who died in the first place. It was just that I could be there, that made me feel so good. And his affection. That one kind of bothers me as he only used me as a sex toy, plus, I don’t like knowing I messed around with another woman’s husband, not only right under her nose, but in her home…sometimes even when she was around.
Guilt? Yes, but I’ve made my peace with it. Tom and Alice are still together now and they look happier than they ever were when I knew them (yay facebook for stalking old friends!) Their little girl has grown up to be beautiful and they seem to be living a good life. I’m pleased with that outcome for them.
This is one of those moments in my life where I ‘interrupted’ something. I was good for something, but only that one thing, and those who did not get direct benefit were given nothing at all. I wasn’t a very nice person then, but I didn’t really have the best of examples to follow. Still, excuses. I have no idea why these people popped into my dreams but its brought back a lot of memories I’d rather forget.
I wish, rather than what happened, that I had made a friend. It takes time to learn these lessons though…to stop looking in the wrong places. I’ve found love in D that I’ve never known outside of him. That may be my reward for learning all these lessons.
Hrm. Strange post today. Was on my mind. xx
About GrainneMy name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)
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