Trying Again

So I couldn’t sleep most of last night…haha.  What a mess my body is!  15 hours one night, 4 hours the next.  I have no idea how I’m going to feel in a few hours.  I’m loaded up on stomach meds and ginger (really helps with stomach upset, if you’ve never tried.  It burns like acid going down but the second it hits your stomach, relief).  I brought three cans of Pepsi as my food source today.  I know, I know but I needed sugar and caffeine and I can’t drink coffee or tea.  I think I should be able to make it through.  Here’s hoping anyway.

I was in the shower this morning and suddenly burst into tears.  I sat down and refocused my brain, told myself today was going to be a good day!  I thought about how lucky I am to have the things I do have and then the pain just overwhelmed me and I nearly exploded with anger.  Mood swings.  Nice.  Just what I was missing.  ha. ha. ha.  My back/neck/face/head/shoulders are just screaming in pain…the morning meds (I take them after my shower) did little to quell it.  Still.  A GOOD DAY.  This is what I’m planning on.

Pretending things are just freaking wonderful doesn’t usually get me far but I don’t know what else to do at this point.  I’m trying very hard this morning to be cheery and engaged but I don’t want anyone to see the pain pulling my shoulders in and slumping my back.  I feel like my skin is too tight for my face except under my eyes which sport heavy dark bags.  But hell,  Good day?  Hang in there Grainne…maybe today will be the day a phone call will come.

*Imagines*

Ring Ring

“Hello, Grainne speaking.”

“Hi Grainne it’s Maggie from HR and I have some good news for you!  The physicians have completed their interviews and have decided to offer you the job!”

Aaaaaaand relief.  Please please please please could that just happen today?  If that’s the only thing that happens, I’ll be so grateful.  I won’t even complain one peep about how much my body hurts and how scared I am that I won’t be able to work full-time for….(shush.  No reason to stress over things that haven’t even happened yet).  And now I’m arguing with myself in text.  Super.  lol.

So Lynn just walked into my office in tears.  She said something about our meeting today..my old boss is breathing down her neck looking for answers and follow-up (he never bothered me like that, just ignored me completely).  She said that no one understood the scope of what I actually did in this role and recognizes that no one would listen to me when I said it was a lot of work.  She’s thinking this is going to ruin our friendship.  huh.  I had a tear or two but they dried up.  I don’t like that the workload is falling on my colleagues, regardless of whether or not  I like them personally, and now there are all sorts of bad feelings here.  I know it’s good, because people will eventually see how much this position really is needed.  I’ll bet the end up recreating it and just hiring someone else down the line.  All this stress…I should have gone on sick leave when I could.

So now, every little mistake is being highlighted and they are forcing Lynn to answer for it.  Most of the issues are due to the boss not answering me, not bothering to communicate at all.  I was guessing most of the time (and guessed well a LOT of the time) but those few little things are now hers to deal with.  Mind you, it’s all going to make me look bad because the only thing she can do is throw it on me.  😦  Fuck I hate this place.  COME oooooooon phone call?  Please please?

I have a gut reaction for Lynn.  She doesn’t deserve to have all of this put on her.  She even bothered to mention that she realized that it was ‘harder for me’ being the one about to get laid off and all….she just can’t see coping with the workload.  Maybe I should just take a bunch of vacation days for the next while.

(Come on phone call!  Ph-leeeeeeease?)

Cross your fingers and toes for me guys.  I don’t know how long I can do this.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Trying Again”

  1. paindepression says :

    Fake it until you make it….
    I have all fingers and toes crossed for you!
    Take the vacation/sick time, you are more important that anything else right now…

  2. awomaninpain says :

    Everything is crossed! Maybe this maybe that, but don’t fill your head with all that or you will make it explode! Heads don’t like what ifs and when’s 😉 I hope your day was a GOOD day xx

  3. Mental Mama says :

    Sorry, I’d have smacked her with something blunt and heavy.

    Good luck sweetie!

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