Blogging to God
I don’t really know you as well as I probably should and I feel kind of bad asking for favours I may not deserve. I haven’t spent my life serving you, unfortunately, I’ve simply been trying to survive.
I know you took my parents for reasons that I won’t understand, no matter how they’re presented. I wish I had been able to know them longer as I long for memories of their faces. I have gracefully accepted that loss, but it is not an easy one to think of.
The foster families that took me in were kind. I do remember a woman with dark hair and two boys, her own children. Jason and Steven? I can’t quite get their names, but I remember what the looked like. The older one was kind to me and would read me stories on the comfy couch in the living room next to the fire. I could see my foster-mother in the kitchen, cooking up pastas and other delicious and nutritious foods. I remember the teddy bear someone gave me to sleep with. I wonder what happened to him…I can remember how he smelled too.
Why you chose to have me end up with an abusive foster family who eventually had to adopt me to get away from the monitoring the foster system did, I have never understood. I was a terrified, tiny little thing who couldn’t rely on anyone as the adults who were to love me kept changing. I never felt at home..not even when I was small. They hurt me emotionally and physically for so many years. You know I used to hide in my closet and under my covers at the bottom of the bed, sobbing into my white teddy bear and wishing someone would love me without hurting me…and hating me half the time. My mother didn’t ever stop him. She sat, terrified and watched.
I learned how to take care of myself at 15 on the street in a huge, unfriendly city. The winters were cold and I remember more than once, waking to find tears almost frozen to my face. No one cared about me then. Not even You. Well, I suppose the fact that i’m still alive is to your credit, although I’m not sure why.
I married an abusive man. That was all me, not You. Silly decision I needed to learn on my end, but, I was smart enough and courageous enough to get away while I could. Thank you for that strength.
Then, after all that, I found true love. I found D. He protected me and kept me safe while I fell apart…I’m so thankful that he has been in my life. When Colt was born disabled, I would have loved him no matter what, but…having D’s love for him combined with mine is what saved Colt. It’s been so hard to watch him struggle all these years, to watch the hurts and confusion as to why no one wants to play with him. He’s never been invited to a birthday party. He quietly says it doesn’t bother him but I can see in his eyes that he does. I don’t understand why you brought him to me and then took away all my means of supporting him. But then, I can’t really blame you for everything. I’m sure that was my doing somehow. It hurts every day…every day I hurt for my little boy. All I want in life for him is happiness and to feel that he is loved and belongs in this world.
The crumbling spine was a nasty surprise. I wasn’t prepared for life-long chronic pain. It makes everything so difficult. I need so much rest that all I am able to do is my job, which is now being taken from me. I can’t do anything that I love or makes my heart swell…I’m too tired to even start. I am endlessly grateful for the love I’ve found in the world and the people who came from nowhere to help me stay standing (internet friends and beyond), but the pain. Why did that have to come when I was only in my 30’s? It’s become that I can’t remember feeling normal and I’m not even 40.
Why is my life like this? Have I done something wrong? Do I make bad choices? I try to love people and share my heart with them. I know that my heart is good and pure…I have nothing else to give and I happen to believe that love is greatest gift of all. But now, now that I’ve put in 10 years and worked so hard through mental illness and physical pain, now that I’ve given my soul over to it and have committed to just keep marching forward for the good of my family…now my job is gone. I’ll find another. Work is work, but I feel so let down by life. My family is afraid we’re going to lose everything and I can’t say I blame them. When you are only three people, there’s a lot at stake when one goes down.
Thank you for giving me the strength to bare all of this hardship and to stay more or less in a good frame of mind. I overcame a lot of mental issues in the last years and I’ve learned a ton about life and how wonderful it can be. I’m just desperate for any sort of stability God. I’m terrified I’ll fail everyone and there will be nothing left of me. None of my family will speak to me now, we have lost each other and I can’t see my way back to them. I’m not even sure that would be helpful.
I know I should pray for others, and I do…I wish for a break in the pain for so many people in my life, especially here in blog-land, but I need to ask a favour. Would you please help me find a job (how stupid I feel asking God to find me a job…) Could I just have that one phone call and be offered a chance at something else? You know I’ll work hard and will make sure to keep my little boy and partner ahead of the rest, but I will not let myself down this time. I need a rescue. Will you please help me this time?
Thank you so much. I will try to always spread love in the world, whether you answer this prayer or not.
Thank you for watching over Colt and D and for keeping them safe and well. Please blanket my friends here and in life in love, peace and happiness.