How am I to do this?  Come in here every day and have to sit and take crap from people?  My coworker Lynn has it out for me.  She’s pissed because she had to take on my work.  She’s asking for a ‘touch base’ meeting tomorrow afternoon where she has some questions for me.  She’s talking to me like I’m a bit of dog shit that got stuck to her shoe…I’m avoiding everyone as best I can.  It’s really crappy here.

I haven’t heard back from the interview yet; hopefully the call will come tomorrow.  I applied for another two jobs today, I don’t think I can afford to take either but I’ll take what I can get right?  I might have to get a part-time job after work but god…I don’t know how I’m going to manage that.

Yesterday I was not feeling well and the pain was really bad.  I ate a teeny bit of rice Chex that I bought, thinking they would be bland and good to snack on.  You’d have thought I had just ingested a bowl of hot peppers and raw onions the way my stomach reacted.  I was sick and had burning acid almost to my throat all day and I was so exhausted.  I kept falling asleep while working!  You know that switch that goes off when you start to drift at night while lying in bed?  I kept feeling that happen at my desk.  I’d suddenly be seeing things (my eyes must have been closed) flash by me…a little girl with blonde hair, a lady dropping her purse and stuff falling out..dreamy things that come to you as you enter the first stages of sleep.  I would suddenly jerk and wake all the way up, unaware of how long I’d been like that.  I finally went to the bathroom around 230 and made myself throw up everything in my stomach (oh don’t worry there, I’m still fucking gaining weight somehow).  Once it was empty I felt a bit better and drove home.  I was out by 315pm and slept until 7:00 this morning.

The marathon sleep made it so I got through today but I didn’t eat anything, in fear of getting sick again.  I was so dizzy and nauseous yesterday.  I couldn’t even read the words on my screen without feeling like I was about to throw up.  Then again, everything made me feel that way.

Today I came in and wrote some people.  I wrote my HR consultant and told her I was worried…stressing.  Asked if she had anything on the horizon.  She’s not that interested though…just patted me on the head and told me to stay positive.  I’m trying, but when it looks like I’m going to have to take a job that will not allow me to pay my rent or bills???  How am I supposed to be positive about that?  No one is going to help me get a job and I’m trying to do it on my own but there’s just nothing happening. I have a gazillion references and everyone is pulling for me, supporting me, but that’s not going to pay the bills.

People tell me to relax, it’s only been a few weeks, but I can’t relax. How am I going to provide for Colt??  We will never be able to get a house now.  We have no money, no savings…no nothing.  And now I might be completely out of work?!  How do I work with this information?  I will not be able to get my medication (soooo pricey) so does that mean I won’t be able to get out of bed?  Likely.  Who is going to hire a half crippled 38-year-old who got fired…*sigh* laid off from the hospital?

We have talked about leaving here, this town.  Talked about going somewhere that the opportunities are better.  I’d love to try that but I just can’t bring myself to pull Colt from his school.  These kids are his lifeline..he will not have the same experience with brand new kids.  Changing schools when you’re a normal awkward kid is hard enough, when you have zero social skills and are anxious and scared with a disability that won’t help in the least?  Plus to lose his sitter? She and her kids are like his second family which takes place for our asshole families who don’t bother with him at all.  😦  I can’t do that to him just because the job market might be better elsewhere.

I feel sick.  Terrified.  What will I do if I end up in some shit job that pays crap?  Scrape by and pray that our landlords don’t kick us out for the next few years, is one.  I’ll have to give everything up…like, no more nail polish (once a month I treat myself to a single bottle), no cell phone (I am on my phone all the time, I use it like a computer.  The only thing that distracts me from this life is my phone).  I guess food is next, mind you, all I eat right now is rice and the occasional apple.  *tears*  there’s just nothing left to sacrifice.

I know this is all drama and I don’t need it and I should just look on the bright side and think that a wonderful new opportunity might come my way but really, I’ve done this before with life.  There’s nothing good coming my way.  Just more pain, more anguish, more anxiety.  Eventually I’ll fail everywhere in life and that will be that.  There can’t be a purpose to this bullshit.  I try to never sit and list off all the unfair things that have happened to me but it’s really hard when they just won’t stop happening.  I can’t find a silver lining here.

What a fucked up life I’m living.

I know I have a lot of love in my life, but love doesn’t pay the bills or secure anyone’s future.  I know I have tons of support…way more than I even imagined I had.  I’m amazed by the lovely email I receive every morning from people just telling me to hang in there and that I just need to keep going forward.  Today alone 12 people either called or wrote, making sure I’m okay.  Mind you none of these folks know about the PTSD or attachment shit….they all know about the pain but not how bad it is.  Gah.

I’m late now.  Have to go get Colt.  Just needed to get this out.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “”

  1. paindepression says :

    I feel so deeply for you right now…. I wish I could do something to make things better. I am always here if you need to talk. I can understand the stress and the not having any money at all for food. I haven’t had a cell phone in years. It is so hard to manage through a life filled with so much pain without all the other stressors. I hope something great comes your way very soon so you can relax…..

  2. Hope says :

    It’s okay not to be positive. The situation SUCKS. There’s no avoiding that, and pretending you’re Pollyanna isn’t going to change anything. It’s so hard to function when you don’t know how you’re going to meet your most basic needs. I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better, or a solution to all this crap. I don’t have those things (obviously), but I hear you and I understand and I care. And if there’s anything I can do, I’m here. I mean that.

  3. Kittyhere says :

    No answers. If you really have nothing once the ‘grace period’ is over can’t you qualify for some assistance programs? Are there non goverent assistance programs, charities? I know you want the answer to what happens next right now but …that isn’t going to make it happen. And if you bother HR too much I fear that will not bode well.

    And I too darn well that the stress just makes both your physical mental state worse. I wish I could reach out and pull you off that merry-go-round.

    As far as Lynn, tell her the chair is responsible for all the changes. Even say that she might not want advice from you as you “lost” your position and you wouldn’t want that to happen to her. Of course if you could time it to be sick and toss your cookies on her shoes that would be perfect. On that childish note I had better stop.

  4. awomaninpain says :

    I don’t know what to say to make you feel better and I’m too far away to be able to do anything to help you, so…just xoxox 🙂 ((((((((virtual hugs))))))))

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