Sometimes I feel like the pilot of a huge aircraft in constant turbulence. You know that feeling when flying? The constant thrum of tailwinds hitting the body of the plane; the exaggerated rumble as the interrupted air flow travels through the cabins. There’s a nauseating drop and swoop feeling that comes unexpectedly when the big air pockets pass…those are the worst ones as they almost always knock me off my feet.
I sit here, in the cockpit, hands gripping the controls with white knuckles as the entire body of the plane feels as if it’s being torn apart by some invisible force. If I take things down some, slow my speed and my mind, things are okay for a short while but I’ll suddenly realize that the belly of the plane I’m in is scraping along the tree tops, about to crash. I fly higher then, speeding up, ramping up the energy to go at it another time, and the moment I level out? Turbulence ten times worse than before. I’m constantly searching for middle ground.
When I sleep and dream, things move at a slower pace and I’m on my own two feet rather than miles up in a metal bird. I have much more control of my world then but I can be chased on the ground; hunted. I’m always crawling through broken windows and through back hallways with hidden doors and chutes that lead to places I didn’t even know existed.
Sometimes I wake in incredible pain. This morning was one of those times…I was sweating (only my head was sweating…how weird is that? My hair was soaked and I could feel the sweat dripping across my skull but every other part of me was dry and warm.) Nothing inside my body felt like it fit right…it was as if someone had swapped out a random bunch of my bones and everything was not quite measuring up. I got up very slowly today; sat first, waited, then stood in a crouch, waited, stood tall, waited, took a step and the pain in my neck (I’m having sympathy pains right now remembering it) nearly took me right back down again. I’m really sore today…specifically my cervical spine. The headache isn’t raging yet although I can feel it coming…I’ve been holding my head up for three hours now and that seems to be all I can handle today without pain. My friend Kitty told me to concentrate on my body from the neck up today 😀 I’m going to try to heed her advice. The nerve pain makes it hard as it’s stinging up and down my arms as I type (shoulders are messed up too) but…I’m going to try my best to have a good day and feel happy.
So. Stability is what I’m aiming for today. If nothing else.