Hello Change

I woke up this morning (err…well, I never really got up on Sunday) thinking positive thoughts.  Brand new week, director is away on vacation (he made sure to give me my layoff notice before he went so it wouldn’t be on his mind while he cruises with his wife and family) and who knows what opportunities might arise.

The external posting for that job I interviewed for is still up.  Not sure what to make of that.  I did write the HR recruiter and asked that she send me a quick email if I was not chosen as the successful candidate and she didn’t reply at all.  I also inquired about two other posted jobs that I’m not exactly qualified for (they want masters degrees for most of the jobs in my salary range.  Well…my current salary range, anyway) but she didn’t answer those questions either.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad news but there’s nothing I can do but wait.  I did submit a few more applications to our sister hospital but they are all union jobs and they have to select people inside the bargaining unit over people who are not currently part of the union.  My job is mirrored to the union in benefits, pension and pay scale, but not official membership with dues and such.  Who knows though, maybe I’ll somehow become a perfect fit for a department somewhere.  (I’m really scared I’m not going to find anything and it’s making me really anxious and moody.  Trying to set those feelings aside…it’s only been two weeks yet and I’ve applied for several jobs and interviewed for one).

I did get my hair cut on Friday and I LOVE how it turned out.  D had put in highlights for me the week previous (my hair is dark brown and he added some golden auburn streaks.  So talented, my man).  The way the streaks sat turned out perfect for this cut, in fact, it looks like it was cut first and then highlighted to flatter the style.  Yay for me!  It was funny…I’ve had my hair the same for so long (messy, long with long layers, self trimmed and maintained) that when D came home he didn’t recognize me for a second!  lol.  It was funny…he says he really likes it.  I’ll take and post a pic to show you guys soon.  It feels like I’ve been asleep since I had it cut… *sigh*

So yeah, tons of sleep this weekend.  I got up at 10:00 on Saturday and bummed around until the boys got home from swimming lessons then we hit the grocery stores and filled the fridge.  We’re trying to eat as much fresh food as we can these days…cheaper, healthier and easier on my stomach these days.  D is loving the rice maker and keeps making me rice with different flavours and stacks them in the fridge in little Tupperware containers.  It’s very good rice too…this weekend he made up a batch of coconut rice and a batch of saffron/turmeric rice.  I love both of them…one goes really well with plum sauce and the other is nice and peppery.  It fills me up and although I’m worried about the carb load, it’s really tasty and quick.  I generally only eat tea, apples and sometimes a few crackers at work to diminish the threat of throwing it all back up.  I’ve puked enough in that gross bathroom for a lifetime.  I worry about the carbs only because I’m not eating very much but still gaining weight.  I bounce between 140 and 150.  Last week, for example, at work I ate four apples, one small can of tuna, one sleeve of unsalted crackers, peppermint tea and water.  That was the entire week.  At home, each night except for one, I had a bowl of rice for dinner before passing out.  On the weekend I had a few Pepsi’s and some frozen yogurt with a chicken and rice dish for dinner one night (slept through dinner the next day).  That’s certainly not enough calories to be gaining weight, even when I’m 100% non-mobile and asleep for most of the hours in the day.

It could be the meds.  Some slow my metabolism, some are known weight gainers…it’s just strange to not be eating anything “bad for me” (aside from a few soda’s here and there) but to be getting bigger.  Oh, that said, my boobs are up another cup size.  Birth control pill.  Haha.  I know that at least five of those added pounds have gone to my boobs…I’m not even able to wear any of my old bras.   This makes me kind of giddy…I mean, if I must put on weight, that’s about the first place I’d like to see it go.  I spent most of my life with the body of a 12-year-old boy…seriously, no hips, no boobs, zero femininity.  After becoming a mother I grew some hips and curves but still, even while breastfeeding the stayed at an “A cup” In fact, the most comfy bra I owned was sized “Almost A” (flushes with embarrassment – you have no idea how awkward that feels, having to buy a training bra while you’re in your 30’s!).  Mind you, giant boobs would have looked ridiculous on my tiny frame back then.  I weighed 90 lbs when I got pregnant with Colt.  Sooo…50-60 lbs later…I’m happy to have boobs and curves.  If I could just find a way to control it all a little better I’d be one happy camper.  But then, isn’t that the story of my life?  I never seem to have control of anything.  (Perception, I know).

On Sunday, I got up at 11:00, then did some cleaning and was back on my chair by 1:00.  My back was really hurting after I moved a whole bunch of furniture around to see if I could find a ring I’d lost.  I knew it was somewhere in that room so I pulled the couches apart and even stuffed my hand into the creepy, dusty pockets at the sides and back of the furniture.  Unbelievably, I found the ring deep in the couch…I was down the side seam to my elbow, fishing out lego’s and old food and hot wheels from years ago.  It made me think of that odd catfish fishing method from the Southern US…called “noodling”.  They stick their hands into deep holes underwater where the catfish hide and bug them until they bite the fisherman’s hand.  Then, the fish is yanked to the surface and detached from the fisherman’s hand which is sometimes swallowed past the wrist…”Noodling”.  Shivers.  Anyway, this is what I thought of as I fished through dust bunnies and oddly unrecognizable shapes inside the depths of my couch.  I hauled out a lot of gross things and then, eventually, out came the ring.  I was so happy.  When is anything actually down the back of the couch?  Anyway, I put it on and it’s not coming off again.

Anxiety is popping in and out of my life again.  I was doing really well with the PTSD and triggers…have been doing well since last year around this time.  I had a little episode over Christmas where we decided to go boxing day shopping.  The mall was SO crowded I had a little panic attack, nothing huge or uncontrollable, but enough to set me on guard.  Of course, not being ‘wanted’ around work anymore is wreaking havoc in my head.  When people don’t want me around I start to panic, start to believe they are correct.  It was my foster parents who started that fear in me, ages ago.  My foster father would deny me love and affection when I had ‘failed him’ in some way.  Mind you, failing him wasn’t very hard to do…if I was caught talking to my friends on the phone past curfew it was enough to make him hate me.  It was hate too…I could see it clearly in his eyes, set jaw, teeth slightly grinding.

“I’ve never understood you hen” My foster father would say.  He said that more often than anything else.  I was not easy to understand, I guess.

In the end, when they left me alone downtown in a huge, cruel city and drove back to their quaint little house in the burbs to have dinner, watch TV and go to their nice warm beds, it just shattered me.  They sent me off like an unwanted pet cat.  Turn it lose…forget about it.  It’s not really yours anyway.  I was never really theirs…just a passer through in their lives.  Interruption, is what they told me.

So now, when my bosses have all agreed that no one needs me here…wowza.  Big hurdle for me to jump.  I mean, I know the rational reasons behind all of this…the director is a wimp and a coward.  He did things this way so I’d have no way to defend my ability to do this job.  There was no discussion, no information shared…it was just cut and dry, I’m removing you from the team, period.  He’s hired several other people in the interim so there’s obviously work that needs to be done…he just doesn’t want ME doing it.  This is such a destructive through cycle for me.  Why didn’t I deserve the chance to stand up for myself?

The pain.  Paine…my bitch of a friend who clings to me whenever she can.  It’s pretty bad just now.  The freezing temperatures (and bouncing barometer) have not been working nicely with my bones and I am hurting.  The stress at work isn’t helping much either.  I’m trying to strike a balance between being totally drugged out of my head and out of pain just enough to work.  There seems to be no end to this cycle for me.  I’m either passing out, exhausted from the effort involved in coping with the pain, or medicated so much I cannot keep my eyes from closing.  There was a day last week at work that I cannot remember at all.  I was exhausted, stressed, worried, upset and medicated.  That combo equals nothing but long, slow blinks and zero productivity.

Alright, enough complaining for one day.  xx I’m already looking forward to my bed…will use that to pull me through.  Only seven hours until I can go back to sleep.  *yaaaay!*


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Hello Change”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    Can’t wait to see the new hair cut! 🙂

  2. KittyHere says :

    Focus on the neck up. Neck down try to feel well and let the weight be… Not easy I know but…keep running your fingers through your hair or smiling at in a compact mirror. Age, meds, the pill…weight happens to most people. And those skinny witches are going to pay with broken bones, zero resistance to every little bug, and the distain of women with flesh to spare.

    • Grainne says :

      LOL! Skinny Witches! I love it Kitty! D told me the other day that Lynn looks like a bird when she puts her hair up…zero fat under her skin. I’m allowing that to make me happy today! haha.

      Neck up. Got it. (much love xox)

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