The Day After

I went home and slept from 5pm (was texting D while falling asleep “Pls.  When home?  Passing out.  Child not fed…I…”  zzzzzzzz.  He replied several times but I couldn’t get my phone to open to the imessage page and somewhere in there I fell asleep sitting up on the couch.  (Not to worry, Colt’s fine on his own for a short while and won’t get food for himself so he’d just wake me when he was hungry).  I slept all night, feel pretty refreshed today.

The outpouring of support I’ve been getting at work has settled something deep inside me.  I know, on the surface, it’s because a whole bunch of people told me that they like me, that I do a good job.  It’s a swell of pride, yes, but also one that sets me on edge.  I feel better because people like me?  Sadly, yes.  I don’t know how to boost my own confidence or use the things I do well to help do it for me.  It’s tricky…something I really have to learn.  Still, it’s really nice to know that I have such support.  There aren’t many jobs to actually apply for but knowing I’ll be thought of by many if something comes along is very helpful and settles my nerves quite a bit.

I’m interviewing for that job tomorrow afternoon and I’m looking forward to it.  I do great at interviews, nearly always.  I’m able to sense the room and deliver the information in a way that will benefit both myself and the interviewers and I can always get a feel for their priorities without them telling me.  It’s a PTSD trick..hypervigilance  occasionally pays off.  There was some maneuvering going on yesterday and the docs changed the interview time without consulting the HR consultant.  They asked if I could come this morning, immediately, and I turned it down.  I panicked for a sec but then realized I had the option.  I’m not dressed for an interview…I don’t have my ‘face’ on…I want to be prepared and I’m going to make sure that I am.  No point in starting this whole new job off with them pushing me around (I shouldn’t think that way.  I do feel entitled to be prepared though, so I’m glad I politely declined and offered a few suggestions like meeting after hours.  They seemed fine with it…they were respectful of my time!!  I just said a little prayer under my breath and went on with my morning.

Nothing new on the job boards today.  I really think I’ll take this one at the lower salary.  Now that I know I have quite a few good contacts out there I can take the job and keep looking right?  No reason to stay put forever.  The “pro” list is soooo long and the only “con” is salary.  It’s just money right?  My “pro’s” include:

  • I get to return to the big campus and get out of this silent, musty, moldy, asbestos filled building.
  • I will have access to food and coffee once again! (They took away our cafeteria and all food vendors some time last year as they carry out the demolition of the old campus).
  • I will have friends I can hang out with!  I worked there for the first 6 years of my career and I loved it.  There are many people I’d be happy to see or meet for a coffee 🙂
  • I will no longer have to sit alone in an office while my bosses work across town.
  • I will no longer have to sit alone in an office!
  • I will not have to move to the planned cubical farm with this department in a year or so.
  • The traffic is SO much better at that end of town.
  • I won’t have time to be depressed…will be moving around lots but with less stress and less meetings.
  • I will have less stress, more time, and more involvement with the department.  I happen to find what they do fascinating.
  • I will have my own office that no one but my boss has a key to and will be able to make it a happy, warm place.
  • I will see people all the time which will help me stay in the moment and out of my head with the pain and the ptsd….

The list is long enough to make up for the salary difference, I think.  Plus, as I said, there’s no reason to stop looking.

So, that’s my morning.  I’m thinking of going home early just because I can.  Take a little break before my interview tomorrow.  I’ll find my outfit, get stuff prepared…Yeah.  I think I’ll make it a nice day.  🙂 I might even sneak out and get my hair done.  I’ve cut it myself for a couple of years (woah, that’s a long time without a proper cut).  I’ve run it by D to see what he thinks.  lol.  (I can see him now, stressing over the 40$ like no tomorrow.  Love that guy…he’s been super good to me since this all went down.  One night of stress and nothing else.  He’s encouraging me to take the job and see if it’s more suited to what I want/need.

Fingers crossed on the hair cut.  That would just make my week.  🙂

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

11 responses to “The Day After”

  1. trish says :

    I have been a long time reader but crappy commenter. Sorry. I just want to tell you how amazing you are. If you get kicked down you just come back stronger each and every time. Best of luck on your interview. I hope you get that haircut you deserve and go kick some butt at your interview. You know what, you are too good for your old job anyway. Stay strong!

    • Grainne says :

      You gave me such a boost with this message…thank you so much for taking the time to share such kindness with me. I really value the ones who take the time to read my blog, so thank you for following along, also. I feel much stronger today and I’m looking forward to my interview…hope I can get out of this office sooner rather than later. The pay cut is going to be fine…I’ll just have to come up with some ideas to make a few extra dollars here and there.

      You made me feel great today…I’m so glad you’re part of my blog world. 🙂

      • Pete says :

        Sweetheart you deserve a beautiful haircut, I once spent $120 (AUD) on a haircut/colour for my daughter when she turned 13 to make her feel happy and beautiful. I did without some things myself but it was so worth it to see her having it done and the he smile she had then and for ages later 🙂

        You deserve that huge smile too, and all the extra confidence that goes with it!
        You’re a lovely person Grainne, that’s what I’ve always liked about you Sis,

        Pete xo

  2. Mental Mama says :

    I took a salary cut when I took my first job at the university and never looked back. Money truly cannot buy happiness and judging by your list, this job has WAY more potential to make you happy. 🙂

  3. KittyHere says :

    You go girl. I am so proud of your confidence and acceptance of people’s good intentions. Not all people are nasty.

    A real $40 haircut? I am not going to say yes or no. Whichever works best for all of you: the it would be such a treat Grainnee, the but my salary is going to be lower Grainne, how will D react, how much happier I’ll be….yada, yada.

    Deciding that stuff, it should not be monumental, but it sure can feel monumental. That urge to avoid discord, yep, I know it well. And I am working on it…so to give advice….not where I think I have the wisdom yet.

  4. awomaninpain says :

    Happiness and self worth is priceless, money can’t buy those things, you’ll be fine. Xxx

  5. ~meredith says :

    Hi, Grainne. I was struck by one passage: I know, on the surface, it’s because a whole bunch of people told me that they like me, that I do a good job. It’s a swell of pride, yes, but also one that sets me on edge. I feel better because people like me? Sadly, yes. I don’t know how to boost my own confidence or use the things I do well to help do it for me.

    I think the need for validation is normal, and healthy. Yes, we need to look in the mirror and validate who we see, but we come into our lives many times through the eyes of others, too. We look around us and want to know our relevance. I don’t think that’s vanity. It’s good to hear what we’ve done right once in awhile, I think. They offset our internal beratings. 🙂 meredith

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks for this thoughtful comment Meredith – I do tend to set ridiculous expectations of myself. You’re right, the need or desire for validation is probably quite normal, I just overthink it and then find myself all wrapped up in what other’s think of me.

      I love how you rephrased it to wanting to my relevance in the workplace. It’s not a judgement on my personality or inner thoughts, but on my actual work. There, relevance counts.

      Thanks for making me think a little deeper and feel better about this. xox

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