Omg this is so hard…
I went to work today. I’m taking all the stuff down in my office and people have been told that I’m no longer working in my role. Big, humiliating email are being circulated as I type these words and I’m so fucking embarrassed.
I met with the boss who followed up on all of my tasks and stuff. Colleagues are taking over my meetings…I’m trying so hard not to cry. I didn’t cry in front of him…just wrote down what he said…I didn’t know where to look but I made sure to put a blank face on so he wouldn’t know so clearly. He was all jovial and friendly…I just sat there while he cracked jokes and talked about crap. It was shitty. I hated every second of it.
I don’t know how to not take this personally. I mean, it’s pretty fucking personal.
I was told by a friend whom I trust that I can trust the HR woman who met with me on Tuesday. They want to help me get another job…I think. I wrote her and asked about my illness or issues with previous staff I supported and she answered with the perfect PC lines. Said illness has no bearing on my employment and that the reason for my layoff was to better suit staffing needs for the department. They’re letting me go with some respect, at least. I’m thankful for that (as tears stream down my cheeks). At least they’re not making me sit in the cubicle farm to make my embarrassment complete.
There is a doc who is desperately looking for an admin to run his office as his assistant is retiring this week and the girl they hired isn’t cutting it. The admin there gave me a stunning reference and the doc is now near desperate to get me to come over. The salary is going to be the deciding factor. I wouldn’t mind running a doc’s office again…in my own space, only having to answer to one person who is NOT wasting time in dumb meetings about nothing. He’s a surgeon though and I don’t have much experience with the OR…I might just go for it though. At least I’ll be able to apply for more jobs if the salary sucks.
I have quite a few people offering to give me a nice reference and the a-hole boss is not telling people why this all happened, which is kind. Sort of. I still think they’re just trying to avoid a law suit. I dunno.
Anyway. I’m going to go downstairs and talk to occ health today. I’m going to need a TB booster if working around patients again…might as well get it over with.
I feel so stripped down and exposed…feel like everyone can see what a failure I am. I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do and I’m not sure how to stop. It’s really horrible here now…everyone just stares at me or they want to hug me which just makes me cry.
You know…of all four Chairs I supported, only one bothered to say goodbye? (again, not personal right? Not personal. Not personal. Must remember that it’s not a personal attack, just a change. As long as I stay full-time, I’m going to take whatever I can get.
I wish this didn’t make me feel so horrible. It’s hard to stay positive when … well when everyone doesn’t want me around. (not true..there are loads of people who are telling me they’re in shock and they can’t believe they did this to me).
There is a mass email going out today announcing the staffing changes in my department. They promise to be vague in detail but I’m not going to do well when that happens. 😦 I just want to go home. I’m trying to stay positive but really, I’m so tired I just want to sleep.