Omg this is so hard…

I went to work today.  I’m taking all the stuff down in my office and people have been told that I’m no longer working in my role.  Big, humiliating email are being circulated as I type these words and I’m so fucking embarrassed.

I met with the boss who followed up on all of my tasks and stuff.  Colleagues are taking over my meetings…I’m trying so hard not to cry.  I didn’t cry in front of him…just wrote down what he said…I didn’t know where to look but I made sure to put a blank face on so he wouldn’t know so clearly.  He was all jovial and friendly…I just sat there while he cracked jokes and talked about crap.  It was shitty.  I hated every second of it.

I don’t know how to not take this personally.  I mean, it’s pretty fucking personal.

I was told by a friend whom I trust that I can trust the HR woman who met with me on Tuesday.  They want to help me get another job…I think.  I wrote her and asked about my illness or issues with previous staff I supported and she answered with the perfect PC lines.  Said illness has no bearing on my employment and that the reason for my layoff was to better suit staffing needs for the department.  They’re letting me go with some respect, at least.  I’m thankful for that (as tears stream down my cheeks).  At least they’re not making me sit in the cubicle farm to make my embarrassment complete.

There is a doc who is desperately looking for an admin to run his office as his assistant is retiring this week and the girl they hired isn’t cutting it.  The admin there gave me a stunning reference and the doc is now near desperate to get me to come over.  The salary is going to be the deciding factor.  I wouldn’t mind running a doc’s office again…in my own space, only having to answer to one person who is NOT wasting time in dumb meetings about nothing.  He’s a surgeon though and I don’t have much experience with the OR…I might just go for it though.  At least I’ll be able to apply for more jobs if the salary sucks.

I have quite a few people offering to give me a nice reference and the a-hole boss is not telling people why this all happened, which is kind.  Sort of.  I still think they’re just trying to avoid a law suit.  I dunno.

Anyway.  I’m going to go downstairs and talk to occ health today.  I’m going to need a TB booster if working around patients again…might as well get it over with.

I feel so stripped down and exposed…feel like everyone can see what a failure I am.  I know I shouldn’t feel that way but I do and I’m not sure how to stop.  It’s really horrible here now…everyone just stares at me or they want to hug me which just makes me cry.

You know…of all four Chairs I supported, only one bothered to say goodbye?  (again, not personal right?  Not personal.  Not personal.  Must remember that it’s not a personal attack, just a change.  As long as I stay full-time, I’m going to take whatever I can get.

I wish this didn’t make me feel so horrible.  It’s hard to stay positive when … well when everyone doesn’t want me around.  (not true..there are loads of people who are telling me they’re in shock and they can’t believe they did this to me).

There is a mass email going out today announcing the staffing changes in my department.  They promise to be vague in detail but I’m not going to do well when that happens.  😦  I just want to go home.  I’m trying to stay positive but really, I’m so tired I just want to sleep.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

11 responses to “Omg this is so hard…”

  1. paindepression says :

    Hang in there! I am here if you need me!

  2. Mental Mama says :

    You didn’t fail them, they failed you.

  3. KittyHere says :

    Those ‘Chairs’ got to be chairs by being self absorbed and only focused on acheivement. Kindness entirely optional.

    • Grainne says :

      Oh you are very correct there my friend. It’s not an easy job they do but they get paid extremely well for it. I guess that’s why most of them take the role.

      • KittyHere says :

        My husband became dept chair the morning after we married. He was in academic administration for 14 years. That extra money was very important. And lucky me, most of the time he was a decent human being at work and off. But his focus was his career and the advancement of the institution. So whatever to the nearly former boss.

      • Grainne says :

        Yeah, my most recent always bothered me because of his lack of passion or consideration for his patients. He is in it for the money, entirely. He’s building a new home off the stipend he gets. Lol…ah well. I’d rather be happy than rich and let me tell you, he is NOT a happy guy.

  4. awomaninpain says :

    Go for that other job, it might be the change your looking for, for now at least. I think that now you have ‘cleared’ your stuff you shouldn’t go back in at all. It will do you no good staying there we everyone whispering and trying to second guess reasons behind this massive insult you have just been dealt. As I said the other day if you can still get paid while off sick for a couple of weeks then do so. Xoxo

    • Grainne says :

      I think I’m going to do just that. the only issue is the pay cut…it’s a pretty big one. I’m not liking the thought of staying here much longer for the very reasons you state above…maybe it’ll be worth it to have a better job anyway. Still in the thinking stage…xx

  5. Farfallina_Blue/anais says :

    Really sorry about………courage

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