Okay. One hour to go before my “Chat” with the dick boss who is doing something shady behind my back. Not sure yet who will be at the meeting…he’s one for lynch mobs, but I can deal with that if I have to. Actually, having more people there makes it easier as there are a whole bunch of different factors in the room. I just don’t want to cry…no matter how he says what he says, I don’t want to cry. It puts them into defensive mode…almost like I’m crying to trick them so they won’t yell at me anymore.
I asked my mom and dad to be with me today…my uncle Ken, my grandparents…I asked them to come sit with me and to take any swells of fear or pain from my body while I’m in the meeting. I promised I’d feel it all later…the self shame, the blaming, the you’re-not-good-enough pounding in my head…I’ll deal with that rationally and, preferably, alone. While in the meeting I want to be strong, stable…solid. I know what I want to say in my defence (if I even get to defend myself) and I will be controlled and honest. I trusted the dick with my personal condition and he is using it against me (somehow, it’s not like he can fire me before I was tardy on a business card order).
So. No tears. When I feel fear and shame I scoop them up from my chest and lungs and smash them into a little mason jar, screw on the lid and pop it on my inner shelf. (I’m trying every stupid anxiety trick I’ve ever learned whether they work or not).
I woke to a text from Drew telling me to breathe. He reminded me that I’ve just now “found” my real inner self…the person I used to be all those years ago who was capable and strong. Said to think of her through this meeting..be her. It’s damn good advice.
I remember, dead clearly, 15 years old. They drove me downtown and told me to get out, slammed the door and drove away, their kids little faces twisted around and looking at me from the back seat, not understanding. I was just as dumbfounded. This time in my life I spent terrified of the foster-father, terrified of everyone, really…even my shadow and yet when the need to survive arose, I did it with very little difficulty. I learned quickly who to trust and who not to…I didn’t need anyone telling me how to survive, I just did. I found food, found fresh water, found warmth. I provided for myself….I didn’t sit down and bawl like a baby until someone came to rescue me (ok, the first night I did but it was to myself, not all out in the open). I didn’t run to the police and tell on my folks…I didn’t even go to a shelter and ask how I was supposed to survive. I just did.
I was abused emotionally, physically and sexually. I survived. I was cast out and homeless at 15. I survived. I married a guy like my asshole foster-father, divorced him, world fell apart….SURVIVED. Right now I’m in fucking agony from pretty much my entire spine and I have a blistering headache…and I’m here, surviving. Working full time (at this point anyway ha!). I had a disabled child and it blew apart my relationship with his father…look at us now. I can take a hell of a lot in life, so I can surely deal with this asshat. NO tears. (holy crap mom can I sit in your lap for this one? hide my face in your neck and play with your hair while you talk to the nice man and ask him to please not take my job away?) No? Crap. I guess I’ll have to do it on my own.
Thank you to all of my wonderful friends here who commented on my last two posts with encouragement and love. You guys gave me that last little boost I needed to get through this. Amazing…you all are amazing. ❤
Will update soon. 45 minutes to go…