I don’t matter…

Apparently my concerns are not being taken very seriously.  My boss waited until just now, 12:24 pm, to write me back (didn’t bother to call) and said that he didn’t realize he’d not be in his office all day today.  I shall have to wait until tomorrow at 10 am to discuss what’s going on.  I’m not sure if that’s because he needs to get HR and security on board and they can’t meet with us today or….I mean…the tone of my email was obvious.  I told him that I was worried, fearful, confused….I told him it’s been really hard on me, not getting a scrap of feedback to lean on.

“Just following up on this…” is how he started his email.  Well, how very kind of you, boss.  Ever so grateful you bothered.  Now I have to sit here and wait until it’s more convenient for him to fire me.  Or write me up…or demand proof of my illness.  I have no idea what’s going on.  Why would you send an email on when you know how badly someone is worrying…just seems cruel.  He’s in no hurry to make me feel better so I’ll just have to prepare for the worst and go from there.

Thus begins the quest for a new job.  I’m working on my fucking resume this afternoon.  Screw them.

(inside I’m bawling but I need to keep things in check until tomorrow morning, at least.  Will be gobbling down a few ativan in preparation for that one.)

Just what I freaking needed.  My head hurts.  😦


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

21 responses to “I don’t matter…”

  1. paindepression says :

    Sounds like he just doesn’t want to be bothered with it all. It is horrible to be left with things unanswered and then we can only assume things which sets of all kinds of anxiety and panic. I hate that you are having to go through this. I hope you are able to find some peace today. You deserve all you have ever dreamed! Breathe in slowly and breath out even slower. I’m here for you if you need me!

    • Grainne says :

      Ow wow…thank you so very much for this. I know full well that I’ve interrupted his plans (whatever he was planning to do to me, it wasn’t supposed to happen this quickly and I’ve thrown him off). I hope I can stay strong all the way through until we’ve met…then I can fall apart a bit and think things through when I know what I’m looking at.

      Today I’ll be poking as many people as I can think of to see if there’s any other opportunities out there…even if I have to change cities. Thanks again, so much, for being here for me. xx

  2. Mental Mama says :

    This is just terrible. You’re reaching out for help and totally getting snubbed. I can completely understand why you’d want to get away from that kind of environment as quickly as possible.

    What you need to try to keep in mind is how much you really do matter – to Colt, to D, to us. And when you find the right employer, you’ll matter to them as well. You’ve got a very strong work ethic and a ton of empathy – qualities that should be sought after in any field, but in the medical field in particular.

    Just keep reminding yourself of how strong you’ve been up to this point – that strength will get you through the rest of this journey.

    • Grainne says :

      *tears* thank you!! I’m giving you the biggest cyber hug ever right now. I’m so lucky to have friends like you guys around me….I remember when I just sat here, alone, trying to get crazy M to tell me i mattered. That was so much harder than things are now.

      No matter what happens, I’ll be okay in the end, I hope. I don’t think they can fire me..not based on my performance … but I’m not going to assume anything until after he bothers to talk to me. *Why couldn’t he call me? Why didn’t he tell me to meet him in the north end? I was going to push it but decided just to go with the flow.

      Maybe this just isn’t the job for me. I’m near desperate to get back into something more clinical in nature but the job boards are empty aside from the gazillion RN’s they always need.

      Trying not to worry. Remembering that I HAVE managed for all these years. It doesn’t matter what they think of me as a person…*deep breath* GOD just knowing would be nice.

      *hugs and thanks again* Needed you. Came through. You rock, sister. xx

  3. KittyHere says :

    People in positions of power get there not based on compassion but based on efficientcy, effectiveness, and looking good. Dealing with anything messy, i.e. an assistant with issues, will put all that in jeopardy. So postpone it, and wish it will go away. None of it surprises me. In academia nothing would scare a male administrator more than a female assistant with emotions ( and we all have emotions whether or not we have emotional/mental health issues.) Working for doctors, as you have often said, does not mean that they have compassion especially when you are an underling. You are there to assist, make the job easier. I may have missed a post, or two, I think I am still not too far off the mark.

    I would be having a hissy fit, I would be a worried wreck in your shoes…but please, please be smarter and toss a few nasty words around your head then move on. Plan how to appear cool as a cucumber and smelling like roses. Let the boss come across as the jerk he is, he probably can if you give him half a chance.

    I will send you email soon.

  4. Hope says :

    What an ass. Want me to come hit him?

    I’m so sorry he has so little concern for you. You’ve put so much into making him happy, and you deserve much more consideration and kindness than he’s giving you. MUCH more.

    I know there’s not much I can do to help from here, but if there’s anything I want to do, if you want to rant or talk or plot painful murder, I’m always around. ❤

    • Grainne says :

      *giggles* I adore you, you wonderful woman. I have the ‘MEETING” today at ten so i’m going to imagine you standing behind him ready to tae kwon do his smug little head right off. He’s one who cannot seem to stop himself from staring at women’s cleavage so wear a low cut top…it’s like his kryptonite.

      Thanks so much. Really. I needed you this morning and here you were. ❤

      • Hope says :

        Pfft, tae kwon do is for wimps. I don’t think I own any low-cut tops, but I don’t need to distract him before I hit him. Sounds like he’s one of those people who would get so confused by the strike coming at him that he wouldn’t even duck or block.

      • Grainne says :

        He’s not a very thoughtful man. He doesn’t seem to think out the things he says or does…plus he’s a “right in your face and space yeller” so when you try to talk to him he just hollers over you. I HATE that so I just keep talking and eventually he has to stop.

        God I hate this place. Grainne needs a new direction.

  5. findingmyinnercourage says :

    Breathe in . . . Breathe out! You don’t deserve this!

    • Grainne says :

      Breathing…thank you so much. I’m repeating this line over and over in my head. Reaching for the person I once was and holding on for dear life. My biggest concern is that I’ll break into sobs and look like a freaking idiot trying to choke out my answers. I’m calm now though…carrying it through. *hugs*

  6. awomaninpain says :

    Oh my goodness, I can’t believe he is leaving you hanging this long, terrible person! It really makes me angry that it doesn’t matter if you can’t see an illness doesn’t mean your not struggling to just breathe most days let alone be the scape goat for lazy people. I would demand an answer tomorrow, handcuff yourself to his desk if you have to! (read my previous comment on your other post for a little advice to know your rights first lol) I hope you manage to get some answer tomorrow, I’d be so tempted to tell him to go fuck himself and walk out, I know that’s not always possible though. Good luck xxx

    • Grainne says :

      There is a meeting this morning at 10 to “chat” in his office. I’m half expecting an HR rep which is bugging me…if he’s got representation, I want some too, however, I will watch my words, answer carefully if they ask questions and will then immediately seek legal help if things look fishy or they try to force me into singing something.

      It’s so sad. I’ve put so much into this place and just because I’m good at working with difficult people, I get all the crap.

      Sigh. Thanks again…will let you know how it goes.

  7. worstcasescenariogirl says :

    He is an asshole. I’m sending him bad vibes….an you good vibes. So there ….take that stupid boss man!

    • Grainne says :

      Sweet! Send them in droves!!! My husband promises to throw him a dirty look an shoulder bump him in the hall if they happen to pass later today. lol

      Thanks you. Hanging onto those good vibes!!

  8. stunnedandstunted says :

    “Hugs”, thinking of you.

  9. Pete says :

    Stay strong sweetheart, you know you are a better person than him, besides he could just be playing ‘power games,’ after all you did win your 10 year award and got to give a speech. I think it would be hard to sack such an employee for no fault of her own. He could open himself to a world of trouble!
    Hold on to my love and care and I’m always here for you twin 🙂

    • Grainne says :

      Holding on Pete…thanks for the love. One hour and counting. I’m jumpy…every time someone walks down the hall I’m checking to see if it’s security coming to drag me out. eek.

      Sigh. Love you. Think of me xoxo

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