I think I know who she is!!
I’ve not been writing about my dreams/nightmares on this blog for the last while because it seemed to be too much all at once, in one place. Nightmares so complex they read like true stories mixed with depression, anxiety, PTSD and chronic pain just got to be too much so I moved the nightmares to their own blog. Many of my readers here do not necessarily follow my dream blog so I’ll very briefly recap what’s been going on for the last few months.
After the dreams about M and the house I lived in where everyone hated me I moved to a tent for a week or two outside the granite quarry down the road. D and Colt were with me then. After a short while, we found a place to live and I began to dream of unpacking my things into a new house full of extra room, storage and surprises. We have been happy in the house each time I have dreamed of it since.
I have been chasing a woman …a girl really, (aged 20 or so), for quite a few weeks now. There have been several occasions that I have seen her. Twice I’ve been to her house in the woods, once I was sleeping in her bed with her…loved cuddling up and winding her long strands of hair around my fingers while I dozed. Once, I caught sight of her in the shopping mall close to where I live and followed her until I found myself on the roof of the building. She was sitting on the edge with her legs hanging over the side of the 20 plus storey building, looking out over the city. I approached carefully, not wanting to scare her.
“Hey…I just saw you in the hall and…I just wanted to ask…are you alright?” I asked even though it was quite obvious that she wasn’t.
Tears streaked her cheeks with glistening wet lines as she nodded at me and turned back to her view. She wanted to be left alone so I granted her that immediately. I have such a heavy and rich sense of respect for her that I wasn’t willing to press her for more.
Another time she had run off into the woods, trying to avoid something sad she had to face. It seemed she was mourning someone or something lost from her life and I so badly wanted to be there for her through it. I ran through the woods searching for hours, never finding her. I went back to her house and cleaned the place up, did some dishes, hoping she’d come back before her parents did. I didn’t see her again that night though.
This girl is someone I have very strong feelings for. The need to comfort her when she was sad was almost overwhelming…it felt like I was in love with her and her pain ripped through me like a serrated knife. When she was close it was like an electric charge; I wanted to be so close to her we almost became one…touch her skin and her hair…I wanted to know what it felt like to be a part of her world, desperately. The emotions connected with her are so raw and intense; deep, fervent, booming feelings and thoughts….amazingly strong. I couldn’t figure out exactly what feeling was, until today.
(Okay, I know this is likely terribly obvious to everyone but me so please don’t poke fun! lol) I think she’s ME. I think she’s who I was before all this crap snowballed into my life and I began to struggle with anxiety and fear, depression and loss. I asked D his thoughts yesterday and he said that it made perfect sense. He started talking about when I left my ex husband and how much it damaged me, the ending of that relationship. He said that the marriage and the blow out after I left made me turn from a confident, outgoing, friendly woman to an anxiety riddled woman who was too afraid to order a pizza or pump her own gas.
Rob, my ex husband, admitted to abusing me, put himself into counseling so he could forgive himself for it, and then unleashed a brutal social storm in my life by calling up every last person I knew, including bosses and coworkers, and told them absolutely everything about my life. He told every secret I had given him in trust…stupid things and huge things…he set out to destroy my relationship with everyone, since he couldn’t have me anymore.
He called both of my parents and told them everything I’d ever said that was off colour about them. Yelled about how they abused me and how I deserved it to my shaken foster-mother, and then went on and into great detail about how much he appreciated me as a sexual partner. *smh* He wouldn’t shut up about it no matter how my mom struggled to change the topic. She said she eventually just hung up on him, disgusted. He didn’t care though. He called my father and told him I had a lawyer and was going to sue for the childhood abuse which set my dad on fire and he came charging at me as if to kill me before word got out…nightmare nightmare nightmare.
D says that I was so destroyed by that horrible misuse of my trust that I never really opened up again. I left all the friends I had, humiliated that they knew things about my sexual abuse that I had never told anyone but Rob. He told my coworkers my dad used to beat me up and fuck with me while my mother stood by and did nothing. So much of who I kept held inside me was splattered across the giant window to my soul…it’s true. I never did come back from that.
I think the girl in my dreams is the me I was before I learned those lessons with Rob. She’s the girl who took care of herself when she was fifteen and living alone on the street. I don’t remember being afraid, aside from that first night and during some stupid situations I managed to get myself into. I do remember being resourceful and using my youth to get what I needed to survive. Mentioning my age all over the place had the Children’s Aid on the lookout for me but it also got me nice, hot meals served out of the backs of quite a few restaurants. The small business owners were always kind to me. Anyway…I think it’s HER.
I thought to myself, ‘oh I SO want to be her again’ and then I realized that she never left! I’ve always been her…the limitations were hurdles and now that I’ve jumped many of them I can see how I’ll be able to carry forward, become that person again with that life. I’m older now and far wiser, have learned a lot about myself and what I’m truly made of in these last years of depression while trying to do the best for my autistic son. For once in my life, I’m not disappointed.
If I can just get Mz Paine to let go a little and play a little nicer with my day, I’ll bet I can swoop right back into her shoes, breaking here and there for a little meltdown or a good cry – I know depression/anxiety/pain will be constant companions of mine in life, but it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the in-between moments right? *Prays for some in-between moments*
Ah well…just babbles. I want to be who I was. Now that I can clearly see who I was and what changed, I should be able to reverse engineer the whole process and come out a more balanced person. I already feel more balanced knowing she’s already inside me. I’ve just avoided looking at her for so many years, I forgot she was there. Interestingly enough, M was the one who really brought out my weak, childlike, needy, frightened side. It was when I rid my heart and mind of his poison that I remembered who I once was. Not to say the entire funk was his fault, not by far, but he surely held me down, kept pulling me under. It’s almost intoxicating, the feeling of freedom to be myself again. Points to D for that one too! He let me go through what i needed and then gently picked me up off the floor when it all blew up in my face.
Goodbye Grainne. Hello me.