More or Less…Can’t Decide

I am currently stuck in a place where I’m not sure which direction to move in.  I flip flop between trying to plan for the future and trying to live in the moment.

Yesterday, although I was ultra super careful about what I put into my body, right before I left work for the day I lost everything I had eaten in one ‘episode’ out of the blue.  I was feeling okay…had eaten some yogurt and four crackers…water and a little tea to drink.  All was fine until I suddenly felt my bowels turn to water and my stomach churned…and that was that.  I had about 15 seconds to make it to the bathroom.  When I got home I slept through the evening and night and woke with D’s alarm this morning.  I had opted to sleep on the couch since I have a heating blanket there.  Even soaked in sweat with drenched blankets and pillow, it’s possible to stay warm with electric heat below me.  Blech.  I hate that clammy hot/cold feeling.

D did wake me for a few minutes so get me to listen to a song he had heard on the radio that made him think of me.  He was worried I’d be offended but he said he knew I’d love it.  Lyrics go:  “Will you still love me when I’m not longer young and beautiful?  Will you still love me when I’ve got nothing but my aching soul…”  He said he teared up when he heard it because he knew that was the kind of love we share.  I cried too…lol..what a sweet thing to say.  He was worried I’d think he was calling me old and ugly…lol.  Of course, because I shed a few tears I was hit with an immediate, blinding headache that required a huge intake of meds, advil, and an ice pack to resolve…along with a face massage from D.  (It sounds nice, yes, but it’s unbelievably painful.  Helps though).  I woke with the headache still in the wings.  It’s starting to grow now and I’m trying to ignore it. My neck and back are sore…even will full meds in, and it’s only 9:41 am.  I took them at 8:00…not a good sign.  Back to the doc’s we go.

I don’t think I’m going to eat today.  I managed a few plain corn based chips last night but they instantly pissed my stomach off so I stopped.  Hopefully, I’ll make it through the day without eating …I’ll force something down at home tonight so I can at least puke in my own bathroom and then lie down somewhere nicer than the ladies room floor at work.

( A voice inside my head says “This is STUPID!  How long do you think you can go on like this???”)  That voice needs to shut up though.  I can’t afford to not work.  I can’t afford to not have benefits to pay for my meds that barely work but, at least I can get up in the morning on them.  I can’t afford to lose my pension…but seriously?  Am I going to be able to so this for another 15 years?  :S  Future vs present.  What do I focus on??  I’m worried I’m going to run myself dry doing this day by day…pushing through all this pain and exhaustion.  If I have to go to sleep at 6 pm to be able to make it through an eight-hour work day now, what will life be like in five years?  Ten??  What if I waste all of my time working and end up unable to enjoy any of my life because I spent it all here.  😦  I’m scared guys.  I know it’s just pain and it’s not going to kill me (quickly, anyway) but I’m running out of ideas here.  Now I’m down to not eating, forcing water down my throat so I don’t dehydrate and sleeping in 15 hour chunks.  My body won’t let me do this forever.

So.  Long term, I should find another job with less stress..something I can do that is mechanical and repetitive.  Time Keeping or something…working for a doc and booking his clinics…get out of this political nightmare of a job where everyone just dumps shit on me and then yells at me because they didn’t like the outcome.  (not related to my work, FYI, I  just get held responsible for shit like people not showing up for meetings etc).  It sounds like a good plan right?  I’m watching the job board every day.

Omg guys I’m so tired.  (don’t cry for the love of god do not cry!!!  I can’t take another of those headaches right now).

The dreams are not so bad this week…more hectic than anything else.  I’m sleeping too long to remember them all which is a good thing, I suppose.  I’m left with a fog of stress that doesn’t have a solid source.  Easier to dismiss.

So what do I do?  Focus on the long-term plan?  It’s scaring the shit out of D…I know the Canadian disability system is not going to do much for me, if I can even get myself entitled to it.  We can’t have any savings or too many assets to receive benefits from disability and since D works full time…I might not even qualify.  I think I can get some short to long-term benefit through work but it won’t last very long and I’m not even 40 yet.

I’m not even 40 yet!!!  This crap should be happening to me two decades from now.  I don’t want to spend 20 years waiting to sleep…I feel like I’m missing everything.  I wish I could battle it somehow but when the body shuts down, I’m not in control any longer.  But then I wonder if I’m making it all worse for myself by thinking about it so much.  Then again, how do you not think of constant pain that is dragging you down and holding you under.  Seems like a dumb idea to just float here in agony and think happy thoughts.  What good will that do?  Do I have to lie to myself daily for the next 20 years, if I get to live that long?

Bah.  Bad day.  Maybe I’ll feel better in a few hours.  (when the pain gets worse and I start puking).  Fuck me.  I need a vacation.  From life, I think.  


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

17 responses to “More or Less…Can’t Decide”

  1. Kittyhere says :

    First you have to get through this day. You may have to go minute by minute, and there are far too many minutes. I’m a believer in food, can you possibly hold down some spongy white bread or crackers?

    • Grainne says :

      Yesterday I ate four soda crackers (no salt even) and they shot through me like they weren’t even edible. I’ve not kept anything down for three days now, stomach meds be damned. I’m drinking gallons of water because I don’t care if that comes back up so much. Don’t worry…I’ll eat when I get home. If I don’t get to keep it, well, at least something will get through. I’ll grab some ensure shakes on the weekend…might help.

      Just so damn tired. xx Thanks for the love.

  2. S. says :

    First, I know this sounds stupid but trust me? Right now, close your eyes and take twenty of the deepest belly filling breaths you can.

    Did you do it? No? Please try. I hear the panic in your words and although it is more than deserved it isnt helping. I say this with tons of love. Just try the breathing thing? And when you get distracted four breaths in, come back to your breathing gently. Distraction is okay but take all twenty breaths contiously.

    I know this doesn’t help the pain. But when I get mentally overwhelmed, sometimes, it helps to stop the merry go round of shit thoughts.

    Okay, have you thought about whether or not you could be withdrawing at night? Can you increase your meds? You are at the point I was with the whole vomiting daily thing. I still vomit way too often, but not daily. Recognize small accomplishments, right? Phew. Yes, I scoff a bit at that too.

    I know that sweaty shivery feeling intimately. Have you tried baths? Sometimes taking one will staunch the flow of tears for me.

    Grainne, I hope yiu realize that I am in no way making light of what you’re feeling right now. Please believe me when I say I feel your pain – maybe not your pain, but I feel pain… Gah, I can’t seem to explain… – and hopelessness. And panic. Oh, and that anxiety I have been controlling so well? Phew. My hearts racing.

    Sorry, this isn’t about me. I guess I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and that very quickly I have come to truly care about you. Sometimes I feel like I ma looking into a mirror – a more successful mirror – and it makes me feel better to not feel utterly alone.

    I hope today get better… Have you tried an acid reducer? Like Rx strength of course… Something like panteloc? Or doing the liquid no acid thing? Let’s talk more if you want.
    All my love.
    Xoxo – S.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you S xx For everything you’ve given me here. I did take the breaths you suggested (I didn’t do 20 though because I started falling asleep with my eyes closed…*sigh*). I don’t know how to keep this panic at bay. How do you do it?? Not look ahead and worry?

      Maybe it’s because I have no other options or hope to rid myself of this pain. They won’t do surgery (there’s too much to fix and the neurosurgeon said he worried it would speed up the degeneration in the discs above and below the fusion points, plus, my worst issues are at the brain stem which cannot be helped, says he).

      I feel like work is spiraling out of control, even though I’m working hard to keep it all going. I can’t focus through this and then when I take meds I can’t focus through them (as you know all too well).

      My doc gave me dexlansoprazole for my stomach (used to treat GERD and allow the esophagus to heal). Funnily enough, I just popped by the drug library at work online to look it up. Says that users have a higher chance of spinal fracture……doesn’t that just take the cake??

      You’re very right though, panicking is not going to help anything. I’m just stuck in a loop that I want to get out of so bad…there just don’t seem to be many options left and I still have so far to go.

      I’m going to have a glass of water, take an ativan for the panic and then try to find something that will take the edge off this agony for today so I can get some work done here…will make me feel better if I can be a little productive, at least.

      I’ve come to care for you as well S…thanks for the love and all the understanding. It does help so much to know you’re out there, cheering me on.

  3. paindepression says :

    I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I am sending your love and comfort……. Hang in there dear friend!

  4. Mental Mama says :

    Hang in there sweetie.

    I would never even suggest that the shit I’ve gone through comes close to what you’re dealing with, but when I was having my most difficult times I found it helpful to put the future on hold. Thinking any further ahead than the next hour was all I could take at the start. Slowly, as things got better, I’d think a few hours ahead, then a day or so ahead. After almost 9 years I’m finally to the point where I really feel ok with thinking about the future. And there’s absolutely no shame in that.

    I do think you should probably try to find something to eat. My guess is that at least some of your pills would perhaps work better for you if they had some food to work with in your stomach. If nothing else something nutritious to drink would likely help.

    Try to take it easy and be gentle with yourself. *hugs*

  5. awomaninpain says :

    First of all sorry that you are going through all this. It takes a strong person to deal with only one aspect of what your going through let alone the total vortex of horrid that is happening. Over here in the UK you can get special vitamin milkshakes from the doctors if you are unable to eat as they are absorbed quickly so even if your body rejects it a little is better than none. Also you can get special salt and sugar powders to stop dehydration. Sucking on ice cubes I find is a good way to get some hydration as it tricks your stomach.
    Secondly, what do you do as a job? Is there any way you can adjust your hours? Go on light duties for a while? Or is it something you can possibly work from home a couple of days a week with a networked laptop?
    Thinking to much can be detrimental with chronic health issues, as the other guys have said take it a minute, hour or day at a time. Try not to think about the distant future as it is too far away.
    We all get those bad days with the fog of foreverness, but I hope you are feeling even a little better? Lovely about your husband and the song too, so sweet x

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks my friend…this is wonderful advice. For work, I am in health care administration and support the chief’s of staff in their daily work flow at a big hospital organization. I’m currently looking at moving to a slower paced role…maybe working for a doctor in his clinic or bookings or something. the political nightmare of my department is always taxing and I’ve had enough. It was fun when I wasn’t struggling so hard but now with the pain comes lack of focus and I find myself getting behind on things. There’s zero sympathy from my colleagues so I’m feeling the stress bigtime. I’ve asked about working from home some days and they’ve decided I cannot, even though it would be more than feasible. The bosses say they need a front person to be there at all times. I was good at this once but now that my health is more important to me, I’m looking at changing things. The trouble is that I’ll have to take a pay cut but…it’s not always about money. (that said, I’m the breadwinner here and with a disabled son, i’ve got two futures to make sure happen. Such s stressful thing to have spin round my head.

      The shakes sound like a great idea. We have something similar called ‘ensure’ which I’ll pick up today if I can’t keep anything down. It’s getting dangerous, I think, fluid wise. I’m sweating all night and not able to replace the lost fluids. I haven’t thought of ice cubes though, and that is a GREAT idea! Thank you. I’m making ice in the freezer as I type this.

      Today is going to be one where I can relax, I hope. D’s in a bad mood but he’s gone off somewhere to work it out on his own. He’s a yeller when he gets angry and it’s just not going to sit with me this weekend. I’ve had too hard a time to put up with much crap. That said…he puts up with a lot of mine.

      Anyway, thanks for the love. I needed a boost and you’ve provided it. xox Hope this weekend is a good one for you. *hugs* Grainne

      • awomaninpain says :


        I’ve just been reading some of your older thoughts and I was just thinking to myself, as you were talking about a career change you write so beautifully. You really draw me in an feel what your writing.

        I really think this is something you should look into, maybe take a creative writing course or something but I bet with your penmanship you could be an amazing author!

        (I tried to find somewhere to private message but couldn’t, hope you don’t mind me putting iron here?)

        Jo xx

      • Grainne says :

        Thank you Jo!! What an encouraging thing to say. I think that is a great idea and have (half heartedly) looked at some writing jobs from home sort of thing. Now that I’m thinking of it again, maybe I’ll have a look for something a little more solid. xox Thanks again!

        If you want to email me anytime… (hugs)

      • awomaninpain says :

        Well I think you should give it serious thought, especially now your other half has found permanent work, it gives you the option to rethink your future. At least it’s something you can do from home and not have anyone passing the buck and blaming you for their incompetence!

        Thanks for the email, I shall reply forthwith! (Ooo get me using big words lol!)


  6. stunnedandstunted says :

    Maybe you can go on a sickness allowance instead of disability? I don’t know if you have that in Canada. Sickness allowances aren’t indefinite, they are for a period of time and might provide you with a break.

    • Grainne says :

      Good idea. I’ve toyed with that idea and have gone so far as to speak with Occupational health at work, my boss and had my doc write a note suggesting a reduction of hours. I’m just so afraid of starting that process…I’ve not gone anywhere but down since this all started and If I take the time now, I won’t be able to later on. That said, if I don’t take it I might just burn right out and lose everything. So scary. :S

      Still thinking. I’ve made an appt with my GP to talk about this again. I’m hoping to simply find a less demanding job within the same workplace…but…I can’t work myself to death waiting. *sigh* it’s an option though, and it’s nice to have one, at least.

      Thanks again. xx

  7. Pete says :

    Oh man are we REALLY twins? I have that EXACT thought in my head sweets. “How long do you think you can go on like this!” And I see all the normal healthy people living their lives, enjoying life and it brings me to tears because I will never get better. I am so sorry for what is happening to you as I too need a vacation from life and at times I think a permanent one but for my daughter I struggle on from one day to the next just making enough to stay above water.
    On a positive note I am so pleased that D has really shown his true love for you, good on him! And I’m always here for you to bounce ideas off,

    Love you,

    Pete xo

    • Grainne says :

      How bout I just move to your country with my boys and the four of us find a cabin somewhere and life off the land. (lol…uhhh wait, meds are necessary…meds and the land then.) God it’s hard isn’t it? And you have already lost your true love…how do you deal with that on top of all the other crap Pete? You’re such an inspiration to me…I hope you know that.

      Love you tooxx

  8. Pete says :

    That’s a lovely thing to say Grainne, you inspire me too!
    My daughter keeps me going, she’s a beautiful old soul.

    Love you twin,

    Pete xo

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