More or Less…Can’t Decide
I am currently stuck in a place where I’m not sure which direction to move in. I flip flop between trying to plan for the future and trying to live in the moment.
Yesterday, although I was ultra super careful about what I put into my body, right before I left work for the day I lost everything I had eaten in one ‘episode’ out of the blue. I was feeling okay…had eaten some yogurt and four crackers…water and a little tea to drink. All was fine until I suddenly felt my bowels turn to water and my stomach churned…and that was that. I had about 15 seconds to make it to the bathroom. When I got home I slept through the evening and night and woke with D’s alarm this morning. I had opted to sleep on the couch since I have a heating blanket there. Even soaked in sweat with drenched blankets and pillow, it’s possible to stay warm with electric heat below me. Blech. I hate that clammy hot/cold feeling.
D did wake me for a few minutes so get me to listen to a song he had heard on the radio that made him think of me. He was worried I’d be offended but he said he knew I’d love it. Lyrics go: “Will you still love me when I’m not longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me when I’ve got nothing but my aching soul…” He said he teared up when he heard it because he knew that was the kind of love we share. I cried too…lol..what a sweet thing to say. He was worried I’d think he was calling me old and ugly…lol. Of course, because I shed a few tears I was hit with an immediate, blinding headache that required a huge intake of meds, advil, and an ice pack to resolve…along with a face massage from D. (It sounds nice, yes, but it’s unbelievably painful. Helps though). I woke with the headache still in the wings. It’s starting to grow now and I’m trying to ignore it. My neck and back are sore…even will full meds in, and it’s only 9:41 am. I took them at 8:00…not a good sign. Back to the doc’s we go.
I don’t think I’m going to eat today. I managed a few plain corn based chips last night but they instantly pissed my stomach off so I stopped. Hopefully, I’ll make it through the day without eating …I’ll force something down at home tonight so I can at least puke in my own bathroom and then lie down somewhere nicer than the ladies room floor at work.
( A voice inside my head says “This is STUPID! How long do you think you can go on like this???”) That voice needs to shut up though. I can’t afford to not work. I can’t afford to not have benefits to pay for my meds that barely work but, at least I can get up in the morning on them. I can’t afford to lose my pension…but seriously? Am I going to be able to so this for another 15 years? :S Future vs present. What do I focus on?? I’m worried I’m going to run myself dry doing this day by day…pushing through all this pain and exhaustion. If I have to go to sleep at 6 pm to be able to make it through an eight-hour work day now, what will life be like in five years? Ten?? What if I waste all of my time working and end up unable to enjoy any of my life because I spent it all here. 😦 I’m scared guys. I know it’s just pain and it’s not going to kill me (quickly, anyway) but I’m running out of ideas here. Now I’m down to not eating, forcing water down my throat so I don’t dehydrate and sleeping in 15 hour chunks. My body won’t let me do this forever.
So. Long term, I should find another job with less stress..something I can do that is mechanical and repetitive. Time Keeping or something…working for a doc and booking his clinics…get out of this political nightmare of a job where everyone just dumps shit on me and then yells at me because they didn’t like the outcome. (not related to my work, FYI, I just get held responsible for shit like people not showing up for meetings etc). It sounds like a good plan right? I’m watching the job board every day.
Omg guys I’m so tired. (don’t cry for the love of god do not cry!!! I can’t take another of those headaches right now).
The dreams are not so bad this week…more hectic than anything else. I’m sleeping too long to remember them all which is a good thing, I suppose. I’m left with a fog of stress that doesn’t have a solid source. Easier to dismiss.
So what do I do? Focus on the long-term plan? It’s scaring the shit out of D…I know the Canadian disability system is not going to do much for me, if I can even get myself entitled to it. We can’t have any savings or too many assets to receive benefits from disability and since D works full time…I might not even qualify. I think I can get some short to long-term benefit through work but it won’t last very long and I’m not even 40 yet.
I’m not even 40 yet!!! This crap should be happening to me two decades from now. I don’t want to spend 20 years waiting to sleep…I feel like I’m missing everything. I wish I could battle it somehow but when the body shuts down, I’m not in control any longer. But then I wonder if I’m making it all worse for myself by thinking about it so much. Then again, how do you not think of constant pain that is dragging you down and holding you under. Seems like a dumb idea to just float here in agony and think happy thoughts. What good will that do? Do I have to lie to myself daily for the next 20 years, if I get to live that long?
Bah. Bad day. Maybe I’ll feel better in a few hours. (when the pain gets worse and I start puking). Fuck me. I need a vacation. From life, I think.