Oh, Hello Old Friend

Well crap.  Yesterday started out pretty good.  I only got six hours sleep the night before but I wasn’t terribly exhausted.  I woke with my pain under control at a 3/10 (I can sleep through that level easily), took my meds and went off to work.  I decided to be really careful with my stomach that day, took my reflux meds and waited the 30 minutes suggested and then drank water from a bottle..the kind we have at home (the culligan water here gives me indigestion somehow).  I brought a package of saltine crackers (what could be more plain?) and nibbled on those.  About two hours later I got a coffee but didn’t drink much and had a small clementine orange for a snack.  Bad idea.  The reflux and heartburn raged in my esophagus and I was nearing the point of getting sick so I took another reflux pill, two migraine advils and an ativan.  (The ativan was just to calm my nerves incase I got all worked up).  About 20 minutes later my head and neck started aching…pain throughout my back bloomed and I was suddenly fighting nausea from two different sources.  I gave in and went to the bathroom, threw up the water, orange and crackers and lay down on the gross floor because it was cool on my dripping with sweat forehead.  After 20 minutes or so of that I stood up (slowly), fell immediately and began dry heaving…oh it was wonderful.

Along with that I was hit with a wall of exhaustion around 10 that left me unable to focus.  I was staring at my screen, forcing myself to try to pay attention and all I did was fall closer and closer to sleep, sitting up didnt’ seem to matter.  I opened my windows, turned on my AC, played music and worked standing…still, the pain was too great and my stomach was too angry and I was just shutting down whether I liked it or not.  At 15 min to my regular departure time, I called it quits, grabbed some plastic bags to puke in on the way home, texted D that I was dizzy and sick and wasn’t sure I could drive.  He told me to just pull over and wait for him.  He’d come get me as soon as he could.  Dan just started a new job on Monday so I knew that was going to be a pain.

I drove slowly and on side streets, hyper alert to everything around me with my windows down and music blasting.  I even managed to get the boy on my way and when I walked in the door, I kissed him, made him a snack and told him I had to lie down.  Ice pack, heating blanket and out.  D got home about 30 minutes later and woke me but I couldn’t stay awake..fell asleep while talking to him.  Woke soaked in sweat at 10 pm, blankets soaked, clothing soaked, pillow soaked…shivering.  My blanket had gone off.  I decided to try the bedroom and very carefully sat up, made my way up there and went back to sleep. The room was nice and warm.

Then I woke, I don’t know, 30 times between dreams, crunched in a ball, naked because I’d stripped off the sweat soaked clothes I’d changed into, with the soaked comforter wrapped around me.  My hands were asleep, feet asleep, body aching … it was just fucking horrible.  Those are the only two words that apply.  D woke and tried to warm me up, taking me into his arms, soaked blankets and all (isn’t that sweet?) but the second his body heat connected with mine I was sweating again…and I mean sweat dripping all over my body…hair soaked.  I burst into tears somewhere around 5 am and D went and got me an ativan to help me stay calmer.  Once i get worked up, nothing stops the driving heat/freezing sweating.  I’m exhausted from shivering…muscles pulled everywhere.  Bah.  Where the hell did that come from?!

So I’ve not eaten yet today.  I took my pill 30 min ago and had a tiny sip of water (I’m dying of thirst from all that sweating but I’m afraid to drink too fast).  I have a container of greek yogurt in front of me that I’m going to attempt when I’m done this entry.

The lovely thing that happened yesterday was my “twin” across the world sent me a wonderful surprise in the mail.  He and I met on a website we both write on.  He’s a wonderful writer and, through his work and mine we discovered that we are suffering nearly twin issues with our health.  He actually once sent me an MRI result just to make me sure that he wasn’t trying to pull something over on me.  He’s been nothing but an amazing support to me since we met and his little gift just melted my heart.  He sent a small ring (I have one for him too…need to post that soon) to wear when the pain is really bad, a lovely tree pendant and brooch and a little pill container.  He had no idea how much of a connection I have with trees….they’ve always been a favourite of mine in life.  In fact, my birth mom’s sister gave me a tree candle holder when we met to signify our family tree…it made me cry and still sits proudly in my living room.  I’ll never take it down.

So Pete, thank you so much for your kindness.  Today I’m wearing the steel ring and brooch (I forgot a necklace to put the pendant on) and every time I look at them I think of you and how you suffer across the ocean.  You’re a hell of a friend and a wonderful support…I know you’ll be in my life forever and I’m endlessly thankful for it.  I can’t wait to get your little package off to you.  🙂  I think it was the handwritten note that touched me the most.  That one is folded into my purse and I’ll carry it wherever I go.  ❤

Alright.  Time to see if I can get some yogurt down.  Wish me luck.  The pain is still sitting in the background right now.  I know it will hit me soon but I’m not worrying about it…just living in this very moment for as long as I can.

I can’t deny my fear though.  I’m scared.  I cannot function like this…sleeping from five at night through the next morning, tortured by nightmares and frantic dreams, soaked in sweat and freezing.  My head, my neck…shoulders arms chest back fuckingentirebody….How do I do this?  It doesn’t ever seem to get better…just changes into something different but still worse.  😦  HOW is one supposed to stay upbeat and focused when their body is pulling them into the grave, one day at a time.

Last night at 3 or so I woke up and burst into tears, wanting my mom.  Isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve heard?

So.  No make up, my hair went from the shower to a half assed pony tail and I barely managed to get into matching clothes.  Meeting at 11.  Must get through that then I can…Idk.  Decommission.

Thanks Pete – for being here in spirit with me.  Needing you today.  Needing all of you.  xx


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

11 responses to “Oh, Hello Old Friend”

  1. Hope says :

    I’m so sorry things are so rough. I know I can’t fix it, but I wish I could. You deserve relief.

    I’ve always had a connection with trees too. Certain ones in particular–I swear they have personalities. There have been two cut down that I miss like friends–and I almost never miss people. (I sound like a weirdo hippie tree-hugger. I probably am a weirdo hippie tree-hugger.)

    You’re in my thoughts, my friend.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that you take the time to let me know you care. xoxo

      I have a the same sort of connection, I think. I used to name trees when I was little….Now I live on a tree farm (a small one) and those trees are where I can run to hide and find peace. Interesting that you share that love. 🙂 xx

  2. paindepression says :

    You have had such an awful time of it. I am sending you loving thoughts and comfort. I hope you get through today without to much pain. You are so very strong indeed. Hang in there friend! I am here if you need me!

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you!! It’s these little notes that really keep me going. I really appreciate it xoxox

      The yogurt stayed down well and I’m not half as messed up as yesterday. I can deal with the pain at this level pretty well when I don’t have dozens of extra annoyances going on at once. *hugs*

  3. Mental Mama says :

    Oh honey, I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time again. You are way over due for a break. If there’s anything I can do to help, just holler. *HUGZ*

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks 😦 It’s pissing me off this time. I can’t seem to catch a break. It’s 2 now and the neck pain is just killing me. I’m going to take another pain killer (already maxed out for today…I’m going to need to up those damn things again). The good news is that I’m not falling asleep and I’ve not thrown up all day. Got a good amount of greek yogurt into me and I’m keeping it, damnit.

      Thanks for the love. Every drop helps. xox

    • Pete says :

      Sweetheart Twin, are you going to post me my package? I need to hold onto something really badly and this post seemed the right place to ask?

      Pete xo

  4. stunnedandstunted says :

    I get the same way when I feel sick. All I want is my mum (usually in the middle of the night when it was be mean to even call her.
    I really hope all of this gets better or more tolerable for you. I’m sorry I don’t really know what else to say, I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. *Hugs*

    • Grainne says :

      The fact that you’ve taken the time to read my words and comment is such a comfort to me. Thank you. My mom died when I was two…I don’t really ever get the impulse to want her by my side but that night was a bad one. Maybe she was with me anyway and that’s why I thought of needing her. xox

  5. Pete says :

    Aww you’re too kind sweet twin of mine! I adore trees too but was unaware you did too, but hey that makes sense huh?

    I’m having a horrible time of it too, so tired, my neck hurts so much especially at night, headaches make me feel like shxt!
    Look after yourself ok? Sounds like you’ve had a bitch of a day and I wish I could be there in your arms, but Dan is doing a wonderful job!!

    Love always and forever,

    Pete xo

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