Oh, Hello Old Friend
Well crap. Yesterday started out pretty good. I only got six hours sleep the night before but I wasn’t terribly exhausted. I woke with my pain under control at a 3/10 (I can sleep through that level easily), took my meds and went off to work. I decided to be really careful with my stomach that day, took my reflux meds and waited the 30 minutes suggested and then drank water from a bottle..the kind we have at home (the culligan water here gives me indigestion somehow). I brought a package of saltine crackers (what could be more plain?) and nibbled on those. About two hours later I got a coffee but didn’t drink much and had a small clementine orange for a snack. Bad idea. The reflux and heartburn raged in my esophagus and I was nearing the point of getting sick so I took another reflux pill, two migraine advils and an ativan. (The ativan was just to calm my nerves incase I got all worked up). About 20 minutes later my head and neck started aching…pain throughout my back bloomed and I was suddenly fighting nausea from two different sources. I gave in and went to the bathroom, threw up the water, orange and crackers and lay down on the gross floor because it was cool on my dripping with sweat forehead. After 20 minutes or so of that I stood up (slowly), fell immediately and began dry heaving…oh it was wonderful.
Along with that I was hit with a wall of exhaustion around 10 that left me unable to focus. I was staring at my screen, forcing myself to try to pay attention and all I did was fall closer and closer to sleep, sitting up didnt’ seem to matter. I opened my windows, turned on my AC, played music and worked standing…still, the pain was too great and my stomach was too angry and I was just shutting down whether I liked it or not. At 15 min to my regular departure time, I called it quits, grabbed some plastic bags to puke in on the way home, texted D that I was dizzy and sick and wasn’t sure I could drive. He told me to just pull over and wait for him. He’d come get me as soon as he could. Dan just started a new job on Monday so I knew that was going to be a pain.
I drove slowly and on side streets, hyper alert to everything around me with my windows down and music blasting. I even managed to get the boy on my way and when I walked in the door, I kissed him, made him a snack and told him I had to lie down. Ice pack, heating blanket and out. D got home about 30 minutes later and woke me but I couldn’t stay awake..fell asleep while talking to him. Woke soaked in sweat at 10 pm, blankets soaked, clothing soaked, pillow soaked…shivering. My blanket had gone off. I decided to try the bedroom and very carefully sat up, made my way up there and went back to sleep. The room was nice and warm.
Then I woke, I don’t know, 30 times between dreams, crunched in a ball, naked because I’d stripped off the sweat soaked clothes I’d changed into, with the soaked comforter wrapped around me. My hands were asleep, feet asleep, body aching … it was just fucking horrible. Those are the only two words that apply. D woke and tried to warm me up, taking me into his arms, soaked blankets and all (isn’t that sweet?) but the second his body heat connected with mine I was sweating again…and I mean sweat dripping all over my body…hair soaked. I burst into tears somewhere around 5 am and D went and got me an ativan to help me stay calmer. Once i get worked up, nothing stops the driving heat/freezing sweating. I’m exhausted from shivering…muscles pulled everywhere. Bah. Where the hell did that come from?!
So I’ve not eaten yet today. I took my pill 30 min ago and had a tiny sip of water (I’m dying of thirst from all that sweating but I’m afraid to drink too fast). I have a container of greek yogurt in front of me that I’m going to attempt when I’m done this entry.
The lovely thing that happened yesterday was my “twin” across the world sent me a wonderful surprise in the mail. He and I met on a website we both write on. He’s a wonderful writer and, through his work and mine we discovered that we are suffering nearly twin issues with our health. He actually once sent me an MRI result just to make me sure that he wasn’t trying to pull something over on me. He’s been nothing but an amazing support to me since we met and his little gift just melted my heart. He sent a small ring (I have one for him too…need to post that soon) to wear when the pain is really bad, a lovely tree pendant and brooch and a little pill container. He had no idea how much of a connection I have with trees….they’ve always been a favourite of mine in life. In fact, my birth mom’s sister gave me a tree candle holder when we met to signify our family tree…it made me cry and still sits proudly in my living room. I’ll never take it down.
So Pete, thank you so much for your kindness. Today I’m wearing the steel ring and brooch (I forgot a necklace to put the pendant on) and every time I look at them I think of you and how you suffer across the ocean. You’re a hell of a friend and a wonderful support…I know you’ll be in my life forever and I’m endlessly thankful for it. I can’t wait to get your little package off to you. 🙂 I think it was the handwritten note that touched me the most. That one is folded into my purse and I’ll carry it wherever I go. ❤
Alright. Time to see if I can get some yogurt down. Wish me luck. The pain is still sitting in the background right now. I know it will hit me soon but I’m not worrying about it…just living in this very moment for as long as I can.
I can’t deny my fear though. I’m scared. I cannot function like this…sleeping from five at night through the next morning, tortured by nightmares and frantic dreams, soaked in sweat and freezing. My head, my neck…shoulders arms chest back fuckingentirebody….How do I do this? It doesn’t ever seem to get better…just changes into something different but still worse. 😦 HOW is one supposed to stay upbeat and focused when their body is pulling them into the grave, one day at a time.
Last night at 3 or so I woke up and burst into tears, wanting my mom. Isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve heard?
So. No make up, my hair went from the shower to a half assed pony tail and I barely managed to get into matching clothes. Meeting at 11. Must get through that then I can…Idk. Decommission.
Thanks Pete – for being here in spirit with me. Needing you today. Needing all of you. xx