Weird Morning and some Sunshine

LOL…okay.  I post a disclaimer here because I think my brain froze overnight in the bitter cold winter we’re having over here.  They’re calling it what?  A “polar vortex”?  Who comes up with these names?  I have to say, when it was -40 celsius, Polar Vortex sorta fit but really?  *rolls eyes*

So.  I was late getting to work this morning as I completely forgot to take my meds and had to swing back home to grab them.  There was a time when I’d have just forgotten it and waited until the evening but I’ve learned these lessons well, it seems.  I went back immediately.  When I got to work the parking gates were all up.  I don’t know who has the power to do this but whenever I try to get the parking open for a big meeting I get told NO….however, someone has the proper strings to pull, evidently, as there is a huge training session here today and the trainees filled up all of our lots with their cars.  I went to three different parking lots before finally finding a space two blocks over.  I walked through the freaking cold all the way around the block and entered the block of buildings from the opposite side of the street from where I usually park.

We have a collection of buildings here that used to be nursing residences for trainees, long since converted to office space for administration who doesn’t need to be directly in the centre of patient care areas.  The buildings are all connected inside so, I had to go through one building to get to mine.  I entered a card access door, turned left and followed the hallway down to a set of double doors that lead to my building, and as I turned, someone came up behind me and was following my path.  I could hear their boots on the floor, the squeak of the rubber soles from winter boots, to be specific, and I could hear their jacket swishing as well, of course, I thought nothing of it.  I came to the double doors and opened one, holding it behind me for the other person but when no one grabbed it I looked behind me to see how far back they were….and there was NO ONE there.  Not a soul.  There are no other open (unlocked) doors between the entrance and the double doors and the stairwell on that side is locked as it is no longer maintained by the hospital.  No way to escape aside from going into an old freight elevator that has a double steel grill that needs to be noisily lifted in order to use it.  Hrm.  Okay then.  The ghosts of nurses past and I carried on to my office where I am now hiding for the day.

What a start eh?  I’m not really one to believe in ‘ghosts’ but I don’t really disbelieve either.  My foster father was big into the idea of ghosts and ancestors who watch over you from generation to generation.  We often went to grave yards when I was a kid with an arm load of cheap flowers from the grocery store and we’d lay flowers on strangers graves, just in case they had no one to watch over.  My dad thought he could get them on his side somehow so he’d be protected more than ever.  I’m not sure that worked out so well for him…but, who am I to knock anyone’s beliefs.  I certainly can’t explain this morning but maybe i was just … crazy?  ha.  Who knows.

So the temp is slowly climbing here.  We’re supposed to move from the negative double digits back into singles which is much more normal for this time of year for us.  I’m hoping it stays gone…I’d rather just about any weather over this bitterness.  The snot freezes in your nose the second you step outside…the damp hair you didn’t bother to dry flash freezes your hair into icicles and you don’t dare lick your lips!!  Of course, it makes my body behave as if its 90 rather than pushing 40.  (Thank you Grainne, for going back for the meds.  Signed, your body).

Last night I managed to stay awake long enough to paint my fingernails, which made me happy.  D filled a stocking with new polish for me for Christmas and I’ve been dying to play around with it.  For some reason, I’m really good at doing my nails regardless of the tremor in my hands.  I’ve adapted a way of bracing my arm at the elbow so that I can hold still and get the polish on.  Of course, I wanted to do something fun so I ended up with a bright red (gorgeous) Revlon polish and for one finger on each hand I overlaid a ‘crackle’ coat of silver.  It splits as it dries letting the colour below show through…then I finished with a glass like clear coat.  When I was done I was actually came out better than most of the times I’ve had my nails done at a salon!  I also managed to not pass out while it dried (very uncommon for me) so the finish is perfect.  I’m finding joy in that today…it’s the little things right?  My spine hurts, my butt hurts, my legs hurt, my head hurts, but fuck it; my nails look like a million bucks.  (lol…that’s only going to last so long but I figured I might as well capitalize on a good feeling).

This weekend I’m planning a little photo expedition to this area.  The hospital across from me is closed and they are in the process of tearing it down.  I need to get some shots of the front façade before it’s gone forever…this place has been here since the 1890’s…so it’s a real shame to see it go.  They’d keep it but the river bank has eroded the foundation enough that there’s threat of collapse, hence the decommissioning.  I also happened by a very old, broken and abandoned building on the return ride from meetings yesterday with the boss.  If I get some good ones I’ll post them here so you guys who don’t follow my photo blog can see them.  Looking forward to it.  At least I won’t have to walk far and if I conserve my energy, I’ll be able to stay awake long enough to process the photos before falling comatose on the couch.

Colt finally got to go back to school today after Christmas break.  He was SO excited to go and see his friends and teachers.  It warms my heart to see that boy love school…I mean, who would have thought?!  It’s difficult socially and academically, it’s a lot of activity and energy spent with so many rules to follow it must seem impossible to him at times, and yet, he’s jumping and clapping and all smiles today.  Makes me feel so … peaceful.  Knowing he truly is excelling at life far beyond the reaches of our house.  (Blessed.  Thank you thank you thank you…this is one gift I will never forget to appreciate.)

I’m falling in love with life again…a little bit.  I don’t quite know what to make of it, but I feel better, inside, than I have for years.  Good things this year.  I’m sure of it.  🙂

On the medication front I am quite settled, aside from the exhaustion but I think that comes more from coping than the meds these days.  The muscle relaxers help so much, so I’m still taking those three times a day but the pain killers have gone unchanged.  I take two a day again and it helps enough.  I think I’ll ask my doc to raise the pain killers slightly next appointment as they are only partly effective (I make it until 11 am but then I’m in agony again) but aside from that, one little antidepressant is all that’s left.  I’m going to stay on it simply because I’d rather not rock my psyche right now with withdrawal and plus, I do still struggle with fits of depression that come from nowhere, as depression usually does.  Might as well keep things in check right?  I’m happy enough with what I’m on.  (I’m feeling this odd sense of strength and a little bubbly happiness beneath.  So strange after all these years).

OH!!!  It just clicked, where that’s coming from.  Last night as I was doing my nails I suddenly remembered a time when I was 18 and traveled to the UK courtesy of the foster mother to assuage a bit of her guilt for tossing me out years before.  She paid the entire way…actually, I think her uncle paid but she always let me think it was her.  They may not have told their family in the UK what was going on with me so it may have been a cover up too.  Didn’t care…free trip to the UK was fine by me!  I went with her and her two kids and spent two weeks.  They stayed on for an additional two and I flew home myself…first time on a plane alone…I kind of loved it. Anyway, off point.

When I was there I didn’t really want to hang out with the foster folks so I made my own plans.  One of my boyfriends friends from highschool whom I’d never met before happened to be at school in England and I decided to call him up.  I found him, called him, asked if he wanted some company for a few days.  On my own, I found the train station, paid my fare, took the city bus to the departure point, rode the train to England and met up with a complete stranger (who happened to be a really great guy and a complete gentleman the entire time I stayed).  We hung out for days, he took me clubbing and got me drunk every night I was there.  We went to a rugby game and he fed me through all his favourite pizza places…it was wonderful.  When I went home I made it all the way myself…train, return bus, city bus to the family house.  I didn’t need anyone, I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t nervous.  I was secure, strong, confident and had a hell of a good time.  It actually surprised me last night, this memory, as I think of the last five years or so.  Heck, I was too nervous to order a pizza on the phone myself not five years ago.  I’d NEVER have gone somewhere I didn’t know to meet someone I’d never met to drink and party the nights away.  I’d second guess and doubt and panic…  I wondered where that “me” disappeared to.

Thinking on those lines, I also managed to find shelter, food and company when I was fifteen and homeless.  I mustered up courage from nowhere and I shit you not, I was not depressed, not anxious…not even worried about things.  Life was day by day and it was a good thing to be alive, always.  I thought to myself, I want that person back and BAM…there she was….right inside me.  The confidence flooded me…it was almost surreal.  Turning point, I think, for me.  It’s it cool when they come out of nowhere?

Anyway.  Happy Grainne today.  I’m going to ride this wave a while and see how it lasts.  xo  Have a great day guys!  Thanks for reading along with me.  🙂


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Weird Morning and some Sunshine”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    Even before my hands shook like an old woman with palsy I wasn’t able to do my own nails properly – I am utterly jealous. Now a days I’m so hard on my hands that it’s just not worth it to even bother going to the salon. I’d love to see a pic of your manicure. 🙂

  2. Pete says :

    I too think back to the ‘good old days’ before all my pain and exhaustion totally ruined my life. I recall playing Cricket for NSW, dancing all night, so much energy, going to the gym and getting huge, all fun, fun, fun! Now I too wonder WHY all this has befallen me. I must have been a right prick in a past life perhaps?
    Anyway HAPPY GRAINNE DAY sweet twin xoxoxo

  3. S. says :

    I can’t tell you how many times I have looked at myself now and asked where the wonderful , care free risk taker I used to be has gone. I used to leave my parents in the morning, Rollerblade into town, spend the day walking around and hanging out, only to Rollerblade home at night. Or the wee hours of the morning. And I did it everyday. Now I am lucky if I have four hours of workable time a day now. Not to mention my Rollerblades haven’t been strapped on since before the injury.
    But, all that being said, I too have found a sense of happiness in my everyday. I have the support and love of a wonderful man and really, my life is ok.
    Xo – S.

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