I know it’s cold pretty much across North America right now but DAMN it is cold here. If you speak celsius, we’re talking -40 with windchill. MINUS 40. You can be outside with skin exposed for about 8 minutes before frost bite starts to set in. Nice. The schools keep closing due to the extreme cold so my poor boy gets up every morning excited to see his friends and is disappointed over and over again with the news that he has to stay at the sitter’s and play all day. (huh?) How lucky can we get with this kid?! He cries because school is cancelled. Crazy!
My !@#$% back is not loving this weather one bit. I’ve been in pain since this cold snap started, although it does seem to take the swelling down (or whatever the heck it is in my neck that happens to cause me massive headaches and muscle tension like rocks in my shoulders). Mind you, I still have a headache but it’s one of those ‘back of the head’ ones that can be ignored if properly focused.
I’ve switched gears at work too. I’m now looking into and applying for jobs that are more clinical in nature. I need to be around people and engaged to keep my mind active. Sitting in this broiling hot office all alone for most of the day does nothing good for me, regardless of the role I play here. I’m going to move into human resources, occupational health and safety or someone’s clinic. As long as I get to deal with people, (ahem, who are not overpaid political asses who think they outshine God) I’m happy. Back to people. Back to helping people. I mean, I help people now but my work with the coroner’s office and various committees here goes completely unseen and seems to count for very little at times. I just want to make someone’s day brighter and better, where I can. That will keep me fulfilled and engaged for the next 15 years as required.
I spend almost all of my time now working, sleeping and surfing my phone. I have an instagram account that captures my attention for hours and hours….sometimes it’s all I do until I fall asleep. I haven’t even turned my old PC on since before Christmas…no desire, no need. The only thing my PC wins on is having a real keyboard but I’ve seen some plug ins recently that will take that issue right off the map. I love looking at other’s photos…especially the artistic ones. I can share hundreds of shots there as well as a test market of sorts. It’s quite engaging and fun (and isolating and avoidant). I love animals, always have, and there are literally thousands of accounts full of people’s pets/animals. I’ll browse a dog by breed and will end up looking at photos for hours before I realize the time has slipped by. I want a dog…always wanted a dog, never managed to have one until my ex husband but he took her from me in the end. Now, Colt is terrified of dogs so I cannot have one in the house or on the property. I know that with patience and guidance he might come to love a pup, but the chances are not good. I’d hate to get a dog I love only to find out my son can’t tolerate it…I’d never force an animal into his life. It’s his home too.
I’m feeling a bit lonely without my internet friends. I became quite used to having someone on hand to chat with through my day. I don’t want to take advantage of anyone like I used to … it gets too complicated and the other person feels ripped off and let down in the end. I’m trying to sit here, alone in my office, thinking of D and all the amazing things he’s said to me over the past months. He is being so understanding and loving….He’s always been a really guy but this level of care is something I’ve never known in real life. I know it’s partly me as well…I’ve learned how to discuss things with him in a way that doesn’t send him into a panic and sometimes that makes all the difference in the world.
I get a little shaky when I think of my future health but he is just rock solid. Everyone else avoids the elephant in the room (Drew, my one constant friend, ignores it on purpose to try to give me a break from it all, which is entirely different and appreciated). M used to ignore the fact in whole, as many people do. I’ve discovered, through pain, that people will do just about anything to avoid facing it, even when it’s not their own. Of course, he was only interested in his own happiness/well-being so he’s a bad example. My bosses, then….they all know but no one asks how I am or if things are going okay…they just ignore it and carry on. I guess that’s the professional thing to do but the smallest bit of compassion could go so far…especially since I don’t often complain.
You know what though? I’m not feeling down or depressed, I’m not unhappy with myself and my body (been a struggle lately to accept some changes that come with getting older – menopause (early!), metabolism slowing down, little baby belly from pregnancy (ahem…nine years ago). My hair is shot with gray and I have a wrinkle across my forehead that I cannot avoid seeing no matter how I angle myself to the mirror. That said, all these lines and wrinkles have been earned the hard way so I’m kind of proud of them in a backwards way. It took my whole life to make these marks on my body…They should be worn with pride. I’m slowly adjusting my body image to one that suits me rather than suits what society calls ‘perfect’.
I’m coming along, finally 😀 I feel like I have a little bit of a direction to head in, I have love at home in droves, I have someone who wants to spend his life with me, I have a roof over my head and tons of food to eat (the new fridge is bursting it’s so full. We used to throw out so many groceries each week because the old fridge couldn’t keep them for longer than five days). I’ve lost a little weight (down to 140) and I’m taking the time to apply tasteful make up for the office….I’m making sure to dress a bit nicer too. If I look good and feel confident, I’ll do a much better job of being me.
Long lessons, these. I’m just thrilled that they seem to be sinking in. 🙂 Here’s to success in 2014!
Still can’t think of a name for my ‘pain’. If anyone has suggestions, toss em my way!
Have a great day all. xox