Frozen

I know it’s cold pretty much across North America right now but DAMN it is cold here.  If you speak celsius, we’re talking -40 with windchill.  MINUS 40.  You can be outside with skin exposed for about 8 minutes before frost bite starts to set in.  Nice.  The schools keep closing due to the extreme cold so my poor boy gets up every morning excited to see his friends and is disappointed over and over again with the news that he has to stay at the sitter’s and play all day.  (huh?)  How lucky can we get with this kid?!  He cries because school is cancelled.  Crazy!

My !@#$% back is not loving this weather one bit.  I’ve been in pain since this cold snap started, although it does seem to take the swelling down (or whatever the heck it is in my neck that happens to cause me massive headaches and muscle tension like rocks in my shoulders).  Mind you, I still have a headache but it’s one of those ‘back of the head’ ones that can be ignored if properly focused.

I’ve switched gears at work too.  I’m now looking into and applying for jobs that are more clinical in nature.  I need to be around people and engaged to keep my mind active.  Sitting in this broiling hot office all alone for most of the day does nothing good for me, regardless of the role I play here.  I’m going to move into human resources, occupational health and safety or someone’s clinic.  As long as I get to deal with people, (ahem, who are not overpaid political asses who think they outshine God) I’m happy.  Back to people.  Back to helping people.  I mean, I help people now but my work with the coroner’s office and various committees here goes completely unseen and seems to count for very little at times.  I just want to make someone’s day brighter and better, where I can.  That will keep me fulfilled and engaged for the next 15 years as required.

I spend almost all of my time now working, sleeping and surfing my phone.  I have an instagram account that captures my attention for hours and hours….sometimes it’s all I do until I fall asleep.  I haven’t even turned my old PC on since before Christmas…no desire, no need.  The only thing my PC wins on is having a real keyboard but I’ve seen some plug ins recently that will take that issue right off the map.  I love looking at other’s photos…especially the artistic ones.  I can share hundreds of shots there as well as a test market of sorts.  It’s quite engaging and fun (and isolating and avoidant).  I love animals, always have, and there are literally thousands of accounts full of people’s pets/animals.  I’ll browse a dog by breed and will end up looking at photos for hours before I realize the time has slipped by.  I want a dog…always wanted a dog, never managed to have one until my ex husband but he took her from me in the end.  Now, Colt is terrified of dogs so I cannot have one in the house or on the property.  I know that with patience and guidance he might come to love a pup, but the chances are not good.  I’d hate to get a dog I love only to find out my son can’t tolerate it…I’d never force an animal into his life.  It’s his home too.

I’m feeling a bit lonely without my internet friends.  I became quite used to having someone on hand to chat with through my day.  I don’t want to take advantage of anyone like I used to … it gets too complicated and the other person feels ripped off and let down in the end.  I’m trying to sit here, alone in my office, thinking of D and all the amazing things he’s said to me over the past months.  He is being so understanding and loving….He’s always been a really guy but this level of care is something I’ve never known in real life.  I know it’s partly me as well…I’ve learned how to discuss things with him in a way that doesn’t send him into a panic and sometimes that makes all the difference in the world.

I get a little shaky when I think of my future health but he is just rock solid.  Everyone else avoids the elephant in the room (Drew, my one constant friend, ignores it on purpose to try to give me a break from it all, which is entirely different and appreciated).  M used to ignore the fact in whole, as many people do.  I’ve discovered, through pain, that people will do just about anything to avoid facing it, even when it’s not their own.  Of course, he was only interested in his own happiness/well-being so he’s a bad example.  My bosses, then….they all know but no one asks how I am or if things are going okay…they just ignore it and carry on.  I guess that’s the professional thing to do but the smallest bit of compassion could go so far…especially since I don’t often complain.

You know what though?  I’m not feeling down or depressed, I’m not unhappy with myself and my body (been a struggle lately to accept some changes that come with getting older – menopause (early!), metabolism slowing down, little baby belly from pregnancy (ahem…nine years ago).  My hair is shot with gray and I have a wrinkle across my forehead that I cannot avoid seeing no matter how I angle myself to the mirror.  That said, all these lines and wrinkles have been earned the hard way so I’m kind of proud of them in a backwards way.  It took my whole life to make these marks on my body…They should be worn with pride.  I’m slowly adjusting my body image to one that suits me rather than suits what society calls ‘perfect’.

I’m coming along, finally 😀  I feel like I have a little bit of a direction to head in, I have love at home in droves, I have someone who wants to spend his life with me, I have a roof over my head and tons of food to eat (the new fridge is bursting it’s so full.  We used to throw out so many groceries each week because the old fridge couldn’t keep them for longer than five days).  I’ve lost a little weight (down to 140) and I’m taking the time to apply tasteful make up for the office….I’m making sure to dress a bit nicer too.  If I look good and feel confident, I’ll do a much better job of being me.

Long lessons, these.  I’m just thrilled that they seem to be sinking in.  🙂  Here’s to success in 2014!

Still can’t think of a name for my ‘pain’.  If anyone has suggestions, toss em my way!

Have a great day all.  xox

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

23 responses to “Frozen”

  1. paindepression says :

    Exquisitely written! I just love your posts! So much love and positivity in them, it makes me feels stronger and I always seem to find a smile upon my face. Thank you so much!

    • Grainne says :

      Knowing that I can make you smile, even for a moment, makes everything so much more worthwhile!! I find a lot of comfort in your posts too as you never fail to make me feel less alone and understood, even in your own writing!

      There are about 600 posts behind me full of misery and unanswered questions but I really want to leave it in the past this year and start fresh. People like you, who survive so much and are still standing, ready to fight, inspire me to keep looking forward.

      I’m thankful you’re here. xox

  2. Mental Mama says :

    I know what you mean about the job – it makes a monumental difference feeling as though your efforts have helped another person in some way.

    As for feeling isolated, I’ll offer (again?) that you’re welcome to get in touch any time you’d like. I generally have ample free time during my work day to respond to emails and I’d welcome the company, too. 🙂

    • Grainne says :

      You are one of the few I would reach out to 🙂 Thank you for reminding me that you care…it helps more than you know. I love you for offering your time when you have so much on your own plate already! xox

      Still so happy about Evie cat. She still feeling better?

      • Mental Mama says :

        Seems to be. We’re running low on her cream right now so she’s only been getting one dose per day, but her fur is coming back nicely as is her appetite. Josh told me at lunch that she ate 2 pieces of lunch meat, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she demands more at dinner.

      • Grainne says :

        Wonderful news! (lol…he’s texting you to tell you what the cat is eating? I hope he doesn’t feel the need to text you from the crapper next) 😉 D actually likes doing that to me. “Guess where I’m texting you froooom” lol….errrr…no.

      • Mental Mama says :

        He’s been known to, unfortunately. Not sure what’s so exciting about that for guys.

      • Grainne says :

        haha…whatever floats your boat I guess. Hope Josh is feeling a little better tonight so you can get some rest and worry about taking care of you! How are you feeling, by the way?

      • Mental Mama says :

        I’m actually fine, just a little tired from him coughing all night. And our semester starts on Monday so it’s a little extra hectic here this week. Not bad though.

  3. anotherhopeentirely says :

    Wow, and I thought it was cold here!

    I know what you mean about the isolation. I’d sort of abandoned my blog for no real reason, but I came back because the isolation was getting to be too much for me. I’m always around if you want to talk, my friend. I never, ever felt like you took advantage of me. ❤

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you so much for saying that…I care for you a lot and I’ve always felt like I owe you more than I give. You really understand me on many levels and I’m thankful you’re my friend. ❤ I would turn to you in a heartbeat. Thank you xox

  4. stunnedandstunted says :

    As an Australian, I can’t even imagine what -40 C is like! Brrrr! It’s currently about 18 C here and it feels cold compared to how hot it has been lately!

  5. S. says :

    You know, we really do have an awful lot in common. Your M sounds like my C!
    Umm… Weird question but will you add a monthly widget to your side bar? I want to go back to the beginning and read in order. 🙂
    Best,
    Xo – S.

    • Grainne says :

      I actually have over 600 posts but I made most of them private a while ago…I started using this as a therapy blog as I was dealing with ptsd and depression. I will add an archive widget for you though 🙂 Just start reading from now and I’ll give you some links to catch up on the important stuff! 😀

      There are a bunch of posts about M that are hidden because he found my blog one day. Will get you all caught up soon!

      • S. says :

        I completely understand. I kinda live in fear of C finding this… Well actually I don’t really care anymore. Huh. Well that’s liberating! Whenever you’ve the time love. 🙂
        Best,
        Xo -S.
        P.s. where about in our great white north are you? I am about an hour from the capital.

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