Time for a fresh start?

Morning All.  🙂  I’m feeling pretty good this morning.  I had a long weekend thanks to mother nature (hooray snow days!) and I slept a LOT but, also got things done.

On Sunday the boys and I went out for a walk so I could take some new pictures.  I’ve not been out in so long and the snow was just too lovely to miss.  They took me to the woods close to our house and we bundled up and walked for about 30 minutes.  Not far, not too strenuous.  There are a few slight climbs and dips here and there but D was totally aware of both of us clumsy people and kept catching Colt before he slipped with an arm out to me, just in case I slipped too.  He’s treating me like an old nana … (I secretly love it and adore him for being so thoughtful and  sweet).  The walk was refreshing and was well enjoyed.

When we got home I had a cup of tea and curled up on my couch with my heating blanket on high and that was me for the day.  It wasn’t even mid-afternoon…lol.  Ah well.  I had a good, long sleep and then woke to find out the weather was atrocious so I didn’t have to go into work!  That made a happy Grainne for the day.  Poor Colt is really upset that school hasn’t started again yet.  He keeps gearing himself up for it then BAM snow.  Today he’s at the sitters and I made it to the office.  I feel so guilty when I don’t make it in but really, it’s not worth the risk…especially with my messed up spine.  I just can’t imagine the anger involved if a traffic accident was the thing that took everything away from me.  Not for this job.  No way.  Did I mention that D drove me in today?  (Lucky. Lucky. Lucky me).

I’m starting to worry that I’m putting too much on D but he seems to be fairing quite well.  He’s still in the middle of a bunch of job changes but things are looking up for him, finally.  He got a job offer to work for a big company, full time.  He called the guy back after not hearing from him for weeks and he said that because D took the initiative to call, he was hired.  (Yay!!!!!)  We’ve had a mess of jobs for the last three months, poor D.  He was hired by a huge company who then dropped him because his work was so good it was pissing the union guys off.  It was devastating for him.   He tried to keep it to himself but I took every chance I could to let him know he didn’t do something wrong.  He’s amazing…that man.  He’s more worried about how bitchy he’s being to me and Colt than anything else.  The job stress is only because he knows I might not work forever and he might have to support both of us for a long while.  Such a different place, this relationship has ended up.  I love him so much…I’m thankful for his help, his love and his neverending tolerance for Colt and me.

Work, of course, is its own stress but D bolstered me up there yesterday.  He made me realize that the issues I’ve had in my current/previous role were not entirely my fault.  As I was sobbing over delayed business card orders and the other stupid shit my director threw at me all those weeks ago he made me see that it was all bullshit and the stuff that did apply (the late order) was not really that bad considering what I was going through at the time.  He made me remember that I am worth something and that I do a great job here, considering my pitfalls.  I work for bitchy, pissy, god-complex egoed people who are only interested in the bottom line.  I was wrong when I thought this had anything to do with the actual care of patients.  I didn’t get into healthcare to work in politics right?  I *hate* Politics…I love helping people but not the people who shit on anyone around them just for kicks.  I have changed roles here but I think I’m going to simply step away from this place entirely.  I’m going to put the word out today to all the leaders I know well and who have been working with me for the last decade.  Will keep my chin up and remember that this stress is self-induced.  No one here needs to like me or be kind to me.  I can take their crap as long as I can see a new horizon…and I can.  I’m not stopping this time and I’m not letting any one of these a-holes beat me.  End of story.

The pain.  I think I want to call her Michelle.  There is a Michelle who rides D all day making snippy comments and treats him like he’s her servant.  She treats everyone like that, really.  My old flame M…well, it fits with his name as well.  Michelle is a name that rings with stress, heartbreak, pain, loss, and sadness.  Suits the pain very well.  lol…I do know a few nice Michelle’s though so I don’t think that it would be a great idea in the end.  I’ll think of something.  I need to call it something so that I can identify with it somehow.  I wonder what part of my dreams it shows up in…something to think about.

Today I’m not too bad, pain wise.  I usually start the day out okay so this is expected…I’m going to take lots of head rests through the day to see if that will help any.  The birth control pill is working wonders on my body…did I tell you guys?  Not only am I calmer, less emotional and more regular in cycle, the sweating and overheating has simmered down quite a bit.  Last month, which was my first month back on the pill, I had hot flashes through the day and night but this month?  Settling very nicely.  I still get overheated but it lasts so much less time than it used to and, if I’m careful and dress in layers I can remove when needed, I can almost control it.  (!!!!!)  HOORAY for that one!  My period is really nice now too…couple days, very light, no pain whatsoever.  Good deal.  Happy me on that one.  (Oh, plus, the no condom deal is just making grumpy D a very, very happy man.  If I could just stay awake for a few hours in the evening it would be like heaven to him.  haha…ahhh it’s fun being so close again.  I missed his sweet ways and fun quirks).

Having let go of so many people in 2013, I’m finding myself a bit lost and alone and/or trying to take up too much of D’s time.  The trouble is that if I’m not engaged with someone, I’m asleep, but….I don’t want to start up with anyone right now.  I don’t have the energy to meet and befriend new people, plus, I’m worried that it’ll be something that messes up my new path.  My dreams are quite terrible just now…mostly about everyone leaving me.  I remember so clearly that hollow, vacant feeling when I realized how very alone in the world I was.  I guess that fear never really left me.  Having only two people who love me is scary when you really think about it.  I guess it’s better than none though.  I don’t know what I’d do if no one loved me.  I think I’d just regress back to infancy and lie there in my incubator while giant hands poked me with needles and tubes.

So yeah.  I’m a little depressed but hanging in there.  I flop between focus and giving up daily (lol..who am I kidding?  Hourly…) but as long as the strong side wins, I’m good.

Off to make sure my work life stays in balance.  Off to a decent start here, in 2014.

OOH!  You’d be proud of me.  I deleted my old hotmail account….the one I always used for the people I met on social networking sites.  I loved letting that one go.  In my Yahoo, now that M couldn’t care less whether I live or die, I get very little email.  I’ve stopped checking it daily…big thing for me, really.  I’m feeling confident and strong in my own skin here, thanks to the love I’ve found at home.

I know the pain will be back full force, likely by noon today, but for now, in this moment, I am happy.  xx

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “Time for a fresh start?”

  1. paindepression says :

    I always feel so connected to you in every word you write. I am so happy that this new year is off to a good start for you and I hope it continues! Hang in there, you got this!

  2. Mental Mama says :

    It’s wonderful to hear that things are going so well – it makes me super happy for you. I wish we’d have gotten extra time off work, but I wouldn’t have wanted the snow. The school kids got a day yesterday because of the ridiculous cold. Today is supposed to be better down here.

    Hope you’re able to have a good day!

    • Grainne says :

      Oh lucky you! Schools closed today as well and maybe even tomorrow as we’re not getting our warm streak until the weekend. 🙂 Will do my best to have a good one! You too!

  3. Pete says :

    That’s beautiful news Grainne 🙂 I’m so happy for you and D and C becoming a family again. I love you too much to be anything else than elated that things are going so well!!
    Now it must be my turn, my lovely twin,

    Pete x

  4. KittyHere says :

    You are moving mountains. Blast away!

  5. S. says :

    I love the idea of naming your pain… I always had an issue saying ‘my pain’ because I dont really want ownership over it but at the same time, it is part of me and calling it ‘the pain’ seemed like I was splitting myself up. Kinda crazy, I know. Hmm,.. What to name it,…
    Best,
    Xo – S.

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