The Pain Project 2014

This is the year I’m going to figure this out.

One year ago in mid-January 2013, I went to see a neurosurgeon about my back to see if surgery would be an option for me.  The surgeon was kind and explained things to me well and with a level of compassion that I’ve not often seen in doctors who need to keep their emotions a step or two back to be able to treat people most effectively.  He seemed confused about some testing I’d had and it didn’t make sense to me, but now that I have my MRI scans in my hands, it makes much more sense.  He thought I had been given the results, of course.

This year, I’m going to sort this out.  I’m tired of being in pain all the time and feeling like I cannot get out from under it.  I’m going to look into different options this year for sure and, if nothing else, I want to gain a little more control over how I manage things.  I think that yoga is a decent place to start (although the logistics are a bit off.  I live in a tiny little house and there’s not much floor space.  Will adapt though.  Have to find a way.

I’m going to see my family doc sometime in the next few weeks (have yet to schedule the appointment) to see if she has a copy of that 2008 MRI in my records.  If she does, she becomes the most responsible physician in getting the test results back to me.  If she does not have a copy, the buck stops with the neurologist who ordered the scan and failed to report back to me.  He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal, what was going on with my back, so I can see him not bothering to send the diagnostics.  He was looking for MS in those scans…iron deposits in my brain etc, not back problems.  Will see how that plays out..trying not to get caught up in all the stress of it.

I think, as I had planned early in 2013, I’m going to name my pain something.  If I give it a name, I’ll be able to separate it from how I feel, I think.  I have tried to make it a part of me by accepting it, trying to give it space to exist within me…but that’s not working.  All that happens that was is I feel like the pain is the biggest part of me and who I am.  That makes it seem much worse and as if I am under its control.  So.  Logically, if I make it something that’s not a part of me, in theory, I should have an easier time accepting it.  Maybe.  *sigh*  It’s worth a try thought isn’t it?  I keep thinking that if I make the pain something I carry rather than something I AM, I’ll be able to put it down now and then.

The depression always seemed like a black shadow chasing me around.  I would feel it’s icy hands on my shoulders before it actually claimed me, and would instantly retract inside myself, hide away and wait until it passed.  I don’t have depression like that anymore, somehow.  I know that I’ve stopped being around people who made me feel like crap…I’ve let go of every toxic relationship I had…and even some I really didn’t want to let go of.  MH still haunts me and I’m not sure what to do to make things up to him.  Everyone else I’ve let go of I’m not missing at all, although I do spend almost all of my free time sleeping.  Things might feel different if I actually had to be awake normal hours like normal people are.   D says it’s okay that I sleep so much around him.  He’s not one who needs his hand held all the time, but he wonders why I’m shutting myself off so much these days.  I tried to explain it to him…that I’m not closing off at all…I’m just not spending time trying to live up to everyone else’s standards.  I don’t want to play any of my online games because the people I used to play with are likely to be there.  If they are there one of two things will happen.  They’ll either block me and forget I ever existed or they will say hello….it’s the latter one that worries me.  I don’t want to start up with those people again as every, single attempt ends with me depressed and feeling hopeless and worthless while they gallop off on their high-horses of superiority.  I need to stay out of that mess for good.  M in included in that pile, mind you, which makes it super extra easy to stay away.  So…I think I’ll cancel all of those accounts and spend the money on something less transient.

Digging into life with D again has been exciting and uplifting though, and Colt is benefitting from our reunion greatly. Something settled in him when things settled with us…as I pretty much expected.  I love the feeling, this time, of wanting to run away somewhere and start over…only this time I want to take them with me.  I want the three of us to shake off 2013 and just charge into this new year untethered from the past.  I’ll tell ya one thing, this year is going to be a ton easier to cope with now that we have a common goal, the three of us.  Built in support system.

So many lessons learned in the past decade…I think it’s about time to start benefitting from all that knowledge.  Wish me luck..this path is a different one for me, but I think it’s the right one…this time.

So.  I’m going to think up a name for my pain; give it a colour and a shape.  I’m going to make it a *thing* that comes and goes (or just sticks around forever) so I can adapt to it and allow it to exist externally.  I don’t want life to be a constant struggle trying to balance out the pain.  I’m too strong for that and I’ve fought too damn hard to not succeed.



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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “The Pain Project 2014”

  1. paindepression says :

    I like your idea of naming the pain. I have struggled so much these last three years with my pain and it just keeps getting worse. I may have to try naming it as well. Love reading your posts!

  2. Mental Mama says :

    Excellent ideas. 🙂 Yoga is a great thing for many types of pain. I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it work at home.

  3. stunnedandstunted says :

    You have such a positive attitude. 🙂

    • Grainne says :

      LOL…well thank you! That is not something I hear very often in my life. Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this…I really appreciate your comments and the time you take to connect with me! xx

  4. KittyHere says :

    The therapist I dumped would have loved your approach to the pain, making it an image, etc. And I do believe in imagery too, but for me imagery can not go too far into “la la land” or “mystic mush”. You find what works for you, as close or as far from the concrete as suits you.

    And you have the power and smarts to make and keep eye contact with any doc and push for what you want.
    EXAMPLE: I told my doc today “that I could read English” — and you know I am American, not Canadian . I am also a very stereotypical uni-lingual American Not proud of that, especially since the chic-chic college I live near is a big name and long time leader in language education. My doc has her B.A. from the place, and my hubby (prof emeritus, 14 year veteran of the administration there too) was beside me. They both got my meaning. I had a letter describing a very different “program” than I though I was being referred to and I shot at her with every ounce of my being (I am not morbidly obese but solidly obese, therefore my being has a lot of ounces, literally and figuratively.) She took it without flinching, and she apologized for the miscommunication. I am a happy patient and I believe she understands it is not a behavior I intend to repeat. But I did it to “feel safe” and I believe she respects it. I respect her.
    GRANNIE– you have more street smarts and more medical smarts than me, YOU will do what you need to do. I expect nothing less from you .And you have D in a way you have not had him. That matters.

    Of course Colt knows things are different between his parents. Kids are mega smart, Special kids especially smart. Never under estimate your boy.

    Yoga, yes, even just the breathing. Floor space– enough to be a corpse, or sit cross legged. You can make that happen. I am taking no excuses tonight.

    And I put myself out here in a public post. Letting go of fear. Trying model good healthy behavior. “I have your back” even if I can not take away the pain.

    • Grainne says :

      You are one of the best people I’ve been lucky enough to have in my life. You know that right? xx Thanks for these words and for not letting me get away with my usual excuses. Makes me happy knowing you care so much. xoxo Thinking of you today. I’m going to write you an email (in response to yours) shortly. xx

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