The Pain Project 2014
This is the year I’m going to figure this out.
One year ago in mid-January 2013, I went to see a neurosurgeon about my back to see if surgery would be an option for me. The surgeon was kind and explained things to me well and with a level of compassion that I’ve not often seen in doctors who need to keep their emotions a step or two back to be able to treat people most effectively. He seemed confused about some testing I’d had and it didn’t make sense to me, but now that I have my MRI scans in my hands, it makes much more sense. He thought I had been given the results, of course.
This year, I’m going to sort this out. I’m tired of being in pain all the time and feeling like I cannot get out from under it. I’m going to look into different options this year for sure and, if nothing else, I want to gain a little more control over how I manage things. I think that yoga is a decent place to start (although the logistics are a bit off. I live in a tiny little house and there’s not much floor space. Will adapt though. Have to find a way.
I’m going to see my family doc sometime in the next few weeks (have yet to schedule the appointment) to see if she has a copy of that 2008 MRI in my records. If she does, she becomes the most responsible physician in getting the test results back to me. If she does not have a copy, the buck stops with the neurologist who ordered the scan and failed to report back to me. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal, what was going on with my back, so I can see him not bothering to send the diagnostics. He was looking for MS in those scans…iron deposits in my brain etc, not back problems. Will see how that plays out..trying not to get caught up in all the stress of it.
I think, as I had planned early in 2013, I’m going to name my pain something. If I give it a name, I’ll be able to separate it from how I feel, I think. I have tried to make it a part of me by accepting it, trying to give it space to exist within me…but that’s not working. All that happens that was is I feel like the pain is the biggest part of me and who I am. That makes it seem much worse and as if I am under its control. So. Logically, if I make it something that’s not a part of me, in theory, I should have an easier time accepting it. Maybe. *sigh* It’s worth a try thought isn’t it? I keep thinking that if I make the pain something I carry rather than something I AM, I’ll be able to put it down now and then.
The depression always seemed like a black shadow chasing me around. I would feel it’s icy hands on my shoulders before it actually claimed me, and would instantly retract inside myself, hide away and wait until it passed. I don’t have depression like that anymore, somehow. I know that I’ve stopped being around people who made me feel like crap…I’ve let go of every toxic relationship I had…and even some I really didn’t want to let go of. MH still haunts me and I’m not sure what to do to make things up to him. Everyone else I’ve let go of I’m not missing at all, although I do spend almost all of my free time sleeping. Things might feel different if I actually had to be awake normal hours like normal people are. D says it’s okay that I sleep so much around him. He’s not one who needs his hand held all the time, but he wonders why I’m shutting myself off so much these days. I tried to explain it to him…that I’m not closing off at all…I’m just not spending time trying to live up to everyone else’s standards. I don’t want to play any of my online games because the people I used to play with are likely to be there. If they are there one of two things will happen. They’ll either block me and forget I ever existed or they will say hello….it’s the latter one that worries me. I don’t want to start up with those people again as every, single attempt ends with me depressed and feeling hopeless and worthless while they gallop off on their high-horses of superiority. I need to stay out of that mess for good. M in included in that pile, mind you, which makes it super extra easy to stay away. So…I think I’ll cancel all of those accounts and spend the money on something less transient.
Digging into life with D again has been exciting and uplifting though, and Colt is benefitting from our reunion greatly. Something settled in him when things settled with us…as I pretty much expected. I love the feeling, this time, of wanting to run away somewhere and start over…only this time I want to take them with me. I want the three of us to shake off 2013 and just charge into this new year untethered from the past. I’ll tell ya one thing, this year is going to be a ton easier to cope with now that we have a common goal, the three of us. Built in support system.
So many lessons learned in the past decade…I think it’s about time to start benefitting from all that knowledge. Wish me luck..this path is a different one for me, but I think it’s the right one…this time.
So. I’m going to think up a name for my pain; give it a colour and a shape. I’m going to make it a *thing* that comes and goes (or just sticks around forever) so I can adapt to it and allow it to exist externally. I don’t want life to be a constant struggle trying to balance out the pain. I’m too strong for that and I’ve fought too damn hard to not succeed.