Not Depressed – The body is sore but the mind is strong

Okay, I could just be dissociating to a certain degree…I do this when feelings get overwhelming or out of hand, but really…I can’t find that pocket of sadness inside me right now.  It’s *always* there…just…isn’t right now.

Maybe it’s the season.  D and I have had a blast shopping for Colt this year, plus, we’ve saved up a little money to exchange gifts between us as well!  He’s no good at surprises and has already told me of a few of the things he picked up. One of those things, to my surprise, was a second-hand massage table; A real one with the face cut out and everything.  I must have looked confused when he told me because he started to apologize for not giving me more massages on a weekly basis.

lol.  Oh…okay then.  I suppose I can forgive you…this time!  hahah!  Wow right?!  So he told me he’s been feeling tremendously helpless and guilty for not being able to fix my back pain for me.  He’s a guy; he’s a fixer guy; he doesn’t know what to do with himself when he’s not fixing something.  I understand and sympathize more than he realizes, poor guy.  He’s decided one of my presents will be a promise of at least two back rubs per week on the massage table (I asked if I get a ‘happy ending’ to my massages if we do them after hours and he told me the rates triple, but, sure…*giggles*).

The man just wants to take care of me.  It was my turn to feel helpless then.  My eyes filled with tears and I found myself in his arms, sobbing in gratitude for what he’s giving me…stability, support, love…all the things I need so badly to be able to find happiness despite this pain I carry around.  He kissed the top of my head and held me close…bent down and whispered in my ear:

“You saved my life once, now, let me save your heart.”

I very nearly swooned.  This man.  Wow…am I ever lucky he stuck around.  He went for years with nothing from me. We barely talked, I spent all my time playing online and later, connected by wires to a man who I thought I loved, a whole country away.  His kind of love was familiar..abusive, self focused, dismissive to me and completely disconnected when he wasn’t getting what he wanted.  In short, my foster father…only younger and crazier, by far.

D though…I mean, I don’t think he’s ever gotten what he wanted.  This life with me, in pain and lost, suffering the effects from the past that have nothing to do with him, yet he is the one who has to watch me tear myself apart over it.  He watches as tears stream down my cheeks from the pain, endless, constant.  Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m crying until the tears hit my bare skin somewhere.  He watches, waits….loves me from where he sits.

I am nothing but thankful this year.  Normally, Christmas is a bit of a hard time for me..for many of us with troubled pasts, I know.  This year, however, I do not have to see my foster family who hurt me more than they loved me.  I do not have to see his cruel family or listen to their bullshit…I don’t have to see anyone I don’t like, not even across a dinner table.  I get to spend my entire week off with my amazing little guy and his amazing father, sipping on our treat bottle of scotch, smelling D’s delicious cooking smells in the air.  {Ever year we save our laundry change and spend it on a bottle of scotch – a treat for both of us.  We had a lot this year…over $100, so D surprised me with a 21 year old Auxiliary from The Glenlivet.  I am DYING to open it but we have to wait until Christmas Eve, as per our little tradition.  It’s so good that we will only have little drinks throughout the holiday as we snack on yummy cheese and fruit trays.  We’ve gone all out this year.  Christmas is going to be amazing.  🙂

So I don’t feel sad that my family doesn’t love me or want me around.  I don’t feel like I’m missing anything…only thankful for the joy in my heart that has been multiplying day by day as we draw closer to the time I get to spoil Colt rotten with presents he’ll love 😀

Oh, and!  D wanted a new pan for Christmas (yes, seriously) and mentioned a rice cooker, if I happened to see a good deal.  I did find a little one!  I’m excited to give it to him…I got a little mini deep fryer too so he can try making a few new things.  We don’t do grease often but I wanted to give him tools he didn’t have to let him play and expand his talents.  His stocking is full of new utensils for cooking his delicious meals.  He’s going to love it all…how lucky am I again?

Oh yeah.  Pretty damn lucky.  🙂  Here’s to a peaceful Christmas, filled with joy where we can, peace and love where it fits.  Thankful for those we have who love us.  You guys are counted in that group, for me, so…thank you.  Thank you for helping this historically dismal season into something I can cherish.  It feels like breathing again for the first time in a lifetime.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Not Depressed – The body is sore but the mind is strong”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    “You saved my life once, now, let me save your heart.”

    Wow, that right there – the very essence of what love means, in my humble opinion. Sounds like y’all are all set to have an amazing holiday together. I’m so happy for you that you sound so happy right now. Please don’t take this wrong, but it isn’t often that I get to giggle and smile while reading one of your posts and this one made me do both – especially the part about getting the “happy ending” after your massages. I remember when you and D were going through the really rough patches where he wasn’t willing to connect with you like that. Knowing that you have that again makes me so happy for you.

    I hope that you and D and Colt have the most amazing Christmas ever. Love and good wishes to all of you. Merry Christmas!

  2. worstcasescenariogirl says :

    🙂 Sending you warm Christmas wishes. Looks like you are headed in the right direction. Ups and downs….remember the ups….Big hug.

  3. Cat says :

    Hope your Christmas is filled with joy and peace

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