Still Alive

As per my normal activity when falling down a rabbit hole of depression and pain, I have been trying hard to write blogs that capture my feelings and make me feel more clear headed but all I’ve ended up doing is creating a bunch of drafts I don’t want to post.  It comes from wanting to be better so much, yet not wanting to ignore the things that hurt.  It’s hard to do without shutting down, I’m finding.  I can easily drift off into my own world and not feel any of the emotional pain or panic (or guilt!!!!!)  but it doesn’t fix anything.  It just sits there patiently waiting for my return.  So.  I’m going to try to capture it all here in one big sweep.  Haha.  Wish me luck.

My body:  Well, now that I know what is wrong with me I’m having a hard time getting past two issues.  First, reading that test result allowed me to identify each and every pain in my body and, although the pain was always there, knowing that discs are herniated and eroding in so many areas is drawing my focus directly to them.  I can’t un-learn what I now know and it leaves me hurting more than I was before.  A careful turn of my head results in the usual fire works of pain shooting everywhere in my body but now that I can actually feel the L2 herniation or the T1-T3 issues, they seem worse.  I’m working on finding a way to ignore the facts and just feel the way I always did…sore with no particular reason.  It’s not easy to do.  I mean, I wanted to know…I want to know what’s up…but I also don’t want to obsess over it because I know first hand that it will make the pain worse.  Our minds are very powerful things…I watch people with horrible diseases every day either fight or succumb.  I do not want to give up.  not yet, anyway.

It’s cold out now and it’s hurting me.  The stupid office lost heat yesterday so being at work is more of a trial, bundled in my freaking down coat, two sweaters with a small heater blasting at my feet.  I’ve been sleeping from around dinnertime on for a while now.  I think I made it until six last night.  I woke up a few times and D asked me if I was mad at him.  I’m not.  He’s stressed and snappy (he took my head off last night when I asked if he could pick C up one night this week so I can get my scrip refilled before the pharmacy closes for Christmas).  I told him I didn’t want to argue about stupid things…was sore, tired and just needed to sleep it all off.  I wrote him an email this morning too…something I nearly never do since I see him every day.  I hope it makes him feel a bit better.  

My heart:  I’m struggling here.  I know I have good people to turn to this time but I’m still making a few bad choices. I was scared this weekend in the wee hours of the morning and I reached out to M (stupidly).  I’m not sure if I’m self sabotaging to make myself feel worse (stranger things have happened) or if I genuinely needed some support and thought he’d understand.  I started the email letting him know I didn’t want anything from him but a little friendship. He knew me so well and I’ve not had anyone to really turn to and cry with you know?  I want to call my mom sometimes…just to get a little support, but I know she’ll never give it.  I can’t load this all on D so really…I went for the option I thought would best work out.  He answered my email and let me know he has no desire to support me in anything.  He said “knowing you is no longer a positive experience”.  Wow eh?  Okie doke…message received loud and clear.  

I feel tremendous guilt over MH.  I’ve scrambled away from him because I’m not sure if it’s okay to talk to him anymore.  First, I ditched him with little warning, and then I decided to really engage with D again…we started talking future plans.  D isn’t wanting to leave, he’s wanting to stay and take care of Colt and I for as long as he can.  Talking to another man while in a committed relationship with D isn’t sitting well with me and I don’t know how to fix it.  I know MH wanted more than friendship…he always had.  I can’t give him what he needs or wants.  I feel so lonely and terrible….I want to make it up to him but the only way I know how is not the right way.  More thinking to be done on this one.  

I’m tired.  I sleep all the time and my dreams are torturing me.  I dream of my mother and sister (never my father and brother…not sure why) and keep getting trapped in rooms with them.  I dream that D left me and I had nowhere to go but to my mother’s house.  She keeps me locked inside so I can’t get back together with D.  The only way I see Colt is when I see them driving by from the bedroom window.  D hates me in the dreams and Colt doesn’t miss me.  I dream about M.  He pops into my dream and I stand there, confused as to what it is I’m supposed to feel.  Nothing usually comes of it and I end up leaving wherever I am, leaving him behind.  It never seems to stick though.  I’m dreaming of time trials … needing to get out of the town I live in but everyone gets in my way.  I have to hide and sneak through houses to get to the outskirts where I can jump in a car and drive away.  Even when I manage it, I end up back there again the next dream.  It’s all sorts of people chasing me as my bones snap one after the next.  I take a step and my leg shatters (right through the skin at times);  I sneeze and my entire face breaks and starts to ooze blood; I yawn and my jaw seizes and falls off….I panic, try to scramble the pieces of me back together again, always too late.  

Right now, writing this, I have an intense, squinting look on my face.  To anyone who passes, I look pissed off.  It’s not how I’m feeling though.  I alternate between needing a hug and not wanting to see another human being for the rest of my life.  lol.  Yeah, no extremes there huh?

I suppose this time of year is making me a bit cranky too.  I’m not sure why though….the only things I have to do are things I want to do!  No travelling, no visiting family, no stress.  Just me, Colt and D eating awesome  home cooking and relaxing by the fire while Colt plays with his new toys.

((Nice phone call!  The Nursing VP just called me to wish me a Merry Christmas!  That was sweet of her.  See, not everyone here hates me)).

Okay.  On with the week.  Only five days to go then I’m off for a week.  x


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “Still Alive”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    Maybe it would be helpful to try reframing some of this. Instead of things being “bad” or “good” try thinking “ineffective” and “effective.” It’s a thing from DBT – nonjudgmental stance. All we can really do is try to be effective in our lives, and when we aren’t we can take that as an opportunity to learn for next time. It’s a much gentler approach, and – hokey as it sounds – it does help.

    I would encourage you to reach out to your girlfriends right now as much as you want to – and stay away from the guys who might not be up to any good. You seem to have a pretty good thing going with D and getting too involved with another man could well cause problems you really don’t need. M has always struck me as a terrible excuse for a human being, though I get why we sometimes feel like those types of people are the ones we should go back to. Again, try to be gentle with yourself and take his unkind words as further proof that he’s no damn good for you.

    • Grainne says :

      I don’t have any girlfriends mama. You guys are it, really. There is no one who actually knows me in real life who cares about what I’m experiencing. D was all I ever had..aside from the few men I mention.

      I agree. M is and was always terrible to be around. The other was kind but I can’t betray D that way. So…it’s just me in the end.

      Thanks for the love xx The DBT tips are appreciated too. A perspective shift is always welcome.

      • Mental Mama says :

        I don’t really have anyone except a few ladies here at work, and we never do anything outside of the office – so I know what that’s like. But reach out to us anyway, we might not be able to go have a coffee with you, but we can still commiserate with you.

      • Grainne says :

        You guys mean more to me than I think you know. Thanks so much. (Thanks for the email checking up on me too!!!! That really touched me. Sorry I’ve not yet replied…figured I’d catch up with you here)> xoxoxoxox

  2. KittyHere says :

    Grannie too many gal pals can be as confusing and scary as none when in a mixed up mental state. A private email is under way.

    • Grainne says :

      Hey you. I was actually just reading another email you sent me. Thanks. xx Write me when you have time…I know you’ve got lots going on too. *hugs*

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